Grieving What We Lost
by fortunecookiegun
Summary: Set after S15E06, sometimes referred to as the Coco episode. Includes tidbits from S15E07, and canon until ep.8. Jackson's newfound faith and how he's dealing with April's newfound life with Matthew puts a strain on his relationship with Maggie. Will he be able to come to terms with the idea of April moving on?
1. Day of the Dead

**Set after 15x06**

"Sorry for coming over on such short notice. It's half past two in the morning and I – "

"Maggie. A) This is home for you whenever you want it, ok? And B)… _what_ is going on?"

Maggie gave Meredith a look. Meredith knew that look. It was the _I need to talk to someone badly_ look. She opened the glass door for her sister, who was beginning to remove her coat, and they made their way to the living room sofa.

They sat and Meredith raised her eyebrows, prompting her to speak.

Maggie took a deep breath.

"I was up all night in the lab working on rechargeable hearts. All day, I've been closing off any visitors because I wanted to spend that time alone remembering my mom," she said shaking her head and staring blankly until her gaze met her sister's. "I came home in the middle of the night to find Jackson crying on the kitchen floor holding his phone."

"What?" Meredith asked, a little shocked. "Do you know what about?"

"Yeah," said Maggie with tears starting to form in her eyes. "He kept saying 'Sammy, I'm sorry.'"

* * *

 _1:00 A.M..._

"Okay so I _did_ end up eating a lot of the food you brought. Thank youuu," announced Maggie as she came in through the door of his apartment after noting some movement coming from the kitchen.

Jackson was still up.

She hung her coat on the hook right by his door. She always thought it was an odd place to mount a hook.

No response.

"Jackson?"

As she crossed the living room, the faint but unmistakable sound of sobbing became louder. Her walk hastened to a hurried strut, and then a panicked dash as she zoomed toward the kitchen.

There he was on the floor, slumped in one corner as if he hadn't moved after sinking down into a defeated little pile. He had his phone in one hand and was holding it so tightly that she thought it might crumple into sharp shards of glass.

She dropped her bag on the floor and ran to his side. "Hey hey heyyy…what happened?" she whispered as she moved in to wrap her arms around him.

"..o sss-orry. Am…y"

"What? No, there's nothing… I know you left but you're here now," she said rubbing his back.

"Sssaammy. Little tiny Sammy. Oh, Daddy loves you," he sobbed. "Daddy llo-oves you very m-much. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Maggie's face changed in an instant. Realization. Sympathy. This wasn't about them. This wasn't about them at all. This was about Jackson. And _his_ grief on the Day of the Dead.

"Oh. Oh, okay... Okay. Shhh.," she said in a sad but comforting voice as she held him closer. It was all she _could_ say. "Okay."

After Jackson started to settle down, Maggie offered to get him on his feet. He slowly stood up wiping his tears and puffed out a long and shaky breath.

"Thank you, Mags. I'm sorry you had to see me like this," he said quietly.

"No. Don't be. Don't be sorry for this. I'm here for you, okay?" she said, arms on his shoulder. "You should get some sleep."

Settling in for the night, she brought him a fresh shirt and a glass of water. Taking a big gulp and giving Maggie a grateful nod, Jackson set his phone on his bedside drawer before turning off the lights.

He fell asleep almost instantly. Clearly drained from letting everything out.

Maggie tiptoed out of the bedroom and grabbed her coat by the door while dialing a familiar phone number.

"Hi. Your late night shift just ended right? Can I meet you at your house?"

"Actually, my shift ended early. But I just got home from visiting Alex. Come on over."

* * *

 _12:00 AM..._

"Is now a good time?"

"Yeah. Do you want to talk to her?"

"Yes. I would. Very much. In a bit."

"In a bit?"

"Yeah. I was just wondering… Do you celebrate something like the Day of the Dead? _Dio de los Muertos_?"

"Celebrate is a strong word."

"Of course. I mean, do you…participate, I guess is the word? In something similar? I mean, is it also a Christian thing?"

"Well if we're getting technical, different denominations have their own shape or form of it. But at its core, I'd like to think it's a people thing."

"That makes sense…" he says, nodding. "Hey, I'm sorry I've been troubling you with all these God questions. I know you're not the spokesperson for all things faith-related."

She chuckles. "Yeah I'm way down the rung of the spiritual leader ladder. And don't mention it. This is… new. This is new… for you."

"It is…" A deep breath. "It really is... Uhm. The other reason I asked specifically about this day… Was 'cause…" A long pause. "I was thinking. You know. About –"

"I know. Me, too."

"…"

"Jackson?"

"I'm here. I just… yeah."

"Yeah."

"Did you visit him?"

"I did," she says, holding back the tears. "Uhm, this afternoon. We went to see Karin, and after we… we went to see _him._ "

He breathes in through his nose. She can tell his nose is stuffy. He soldiers on. "So, how's the new family?"

His voice is shaky, but he smiles the shakiness away.

She hesitates but replies truthfully. "We… We're good over here. Still lots of setting up to do. Things are so different now."

"They are, aren't they?"

"Yeah, they are… Oh! And look who just walked in. Hiiiii, Ladybuuug! Do you want to talk to Daddy?"

"Hi, baby!" He says, sloppily wiping his tears away. "How's my Sweetheart? April, could you put it on speaker?"

"Yup, there. _Dada!_ "

"Hiiii! How's my Sweetheart? Ohh, Daddy misses you. I'll see you in a few days though, so looks like I'll have myself a hot date. I'm already blushing." He can feel April roll her eyes. But she's smiling, too, he knows.

His voice turns solemn. "Hey, Nugget. We're so lucky to have you. So, so lucky. Your mom and I love you so much." He exhales deeply. "And you know who else loves you so much? Your big brother, Samuel. Mommy told me you guys visited him today. He… uhm, well, you don't know him that well… " He winces. "Neither do we. But we know he loves you. We do."

There is sobbing in the background.

"April, you there?"

She switches the phone off speaker. She picks Harriet up and puts her in her crib. "Yeah… I'm here."

Silence.

"Jackson?"

"April, did we kill our little boy?" he said, making no effort to hide that he was now crying. Hard.

"What? No, Jackson, no. How could you say that?"

"Did God kill him? Why is he dead? Or maybe we did. We didn't wait. We didn't wait for a miracle. Did you agree to be induced because of me? Did I pressure you to give up that hope because I didn't believe it could happen?"

"We were never promised a miracle, Jackson. No one is. He was…he… oh, God…"

It's just as hard for her to speak through the tears.

"He was in so much pain, Jackson. You knew that. I knew that. You never forced me into anything. No matter how frustrating I imagine it got for you."

"But _WHAT IF, APRIL?_ What if we chose differently?!"

"I don't know."

He sinks down to the floor.

"I miss him," he says, crying. "Sss-oo m-much."

"I know," she said, crying, too. "I know, Jackson. Ohh, I miss him, too."

They cry. Until who knows when. Matthew stops by the door, concerned. He decides to give them space knowing it's about Samuel more than anything else. He gently closes the door leaving it slightly ajar.

"Jackson?"

"April."

"I'll be right here, okay? Hang up when you want to."

"Okay."

Moments pass. There is shaky breathing at each end of the phone.

He hangs up.

The tears don't stop.


	2. They Live Different Lives

"That part of his life is… complicated," said Meredith.

"I feel bad."

"You feel bad that he feels bad about his dead son?"

"No. I feel bad that he spent the whole day checking up me, and no one was checking up on him."

"And you feel like you should've been the one checking up on him."

"I'm a terrible girlfriend."

"No, Maggie. You're not. Then again, you've never been _my_ girlfriend so what do I know."

Maggie shot Meredith a look.

"Okay look," continued Meredith. "why don't you just… do that? Check up on him."

"He never talks to me about Samuel."

"He never talks to anyone about Samuel," said Meredith, who at this point was busying herself in the kitchen to fix Maggie up with a glass of wine.

"Well we were all there when it happened. And he had April," said Maggie.

" _Had_ sure is the word," said Meredith.

"Do you think they still talk to each other about it?"

"I don't know. They live very different lives now."

Meredith walked back to the sofa and Maggie accepted the glass of wine from her sister.

"Yeah, he told me… that after she got married, quit her job, and left… things started to change for him. She _changed_ him."

"Is this all the God talk and the tree watching?"

"Yeah," she said with a bit of a chuckle.

"April and Jackson… that was big. Like the change-worthy, find-a-tree-and-cope kind of big, Maggie."

"I know, and I came into our relationship knowing that. And I'm good with it; I really am. It's just…"

"He's lived this big old life before you two were together and you're not quite sure where you fit in."

"Wow. Thank you, Dr. Phil."

"Yes, well. When you've been in therapy as much as I have, you pick up some things."

"Mer. What do I do?"

"Well first, this isn't a competition on who gets to be a bigger part of Jackson's life. Woman-kind has come _way_ too far for that to be a thing – for us to bite each other's heads off and sit vigil while a man is expected to be the judge of who's better. We're better than that. Second – talk to him. Not necessarily about Samuel. But if you feel disconnected with him, then you probably are."

"You know what? You're right."

"I know."

"Meredith…"

"What?" asked Meredith, sipping her own wine and pressing her lips together.

"I'm gonna check up on you now, too, if that's okay. Have you been missing Derek today? And your other sister… Lexie?"

Meredith met her with sad but thankful eyes until a sentimental little smile grew on her face.

"Everyday."

* * *

"Morning."

"Mmm, morning," she smiled.

"How are you? That phone call last night sure did a number on you. You okay?" he asked stroking her luscious auburn hair.

Her smile dropped ever so slightly. She closed her eyes for a second, took a breath, then looked him in the eye and put a hand on his cheek.

"I will be," she said simply.

"I'd be lying if I said that I didn't overhear what it was about," he admitted.

"Yeah, I saw you by the door. Thanks for the space."

"How is he?" asked Matthew and to her surprise, he seemed genuinely concerned about Jackson.

"Last night was rough. It was very rough for him," she said sadly. "How are you?"

"Yesterday wasn't the smoothest sailing ship for me either. I miss her."

"I know," said April and she pulled him into a loving hug. "Ruby's looking more and more like her every day."

He couldn't help but smile about that.

It's been taking some getting used to now that their lives looked nothing like they were a few months ago when she was still working at Grey Sloan. So far, though, things have been good. They were trying to build a new life together.

They both got up and went through yet another version of their experimental morning routines. Things got switched around a lot, but a hot pot of brewed coffee never left that equation.

"How do you do that?" April asked as she poured him a steaming cup with lots of cream and sugar. She learned it's how he liked his coffee.

"Do what?" he tried to clarify as he accepted the mug. "God, you make the best coffee."

"I know. God makes the best coffee," she joked and playfully rolled her eyes.

"Do what, April?" he chuckled.

"Be so understanding all the time," she said.

"Oh by understanding, you mean how I manage to live in a house where my wife regularly calls her ex-husband like they're best friends and I pretend like he didn't run off with her on our wedding day all those years ago?"

"… Yes," she said, hugging her warm mug and blinking defensively. "Yes, that."

"It's 'cause I forgave you… and… and I forgave him."

That seemed to surprise her.

He widened his eyes for comedic effect and continued, "Don't tell him I said that! It's fun when he still thinks that I want to punch his perfect face…"

"…"

"April?"

"I can't tell you how much that means to me," she said softly. She walked over to him, bending down to meet his sitting frame and gave him a tender kiss on the mouth. Just when he started reciprocating, the baby monitor went blazing.

"Honey, I got it," she said.

* * *

"Hey."

"Hi. What's up?"

"I just wanted to apologize. For last night."

"You don't need to apologize for that."

"I made you cry."

"Well we were both bawling pretty hard…," she offered. "Jackson. You don't ever have to apologize for how you feel about him. And I know you've been trying to be at peace with a lot of things lately."

"Yeah. A lot of things. Lately."

"Any of them you wanna talk about?"

A slight pause. "No, I'm good. For now. Thank you. Thanks for bein' there."

"Alright," she said in a slightly brighter tone.

"Send my regards to the… Matthew."

"To the Matthew?" she laughed.

"I was going to say 'to the husband' but that's gonna take some getting used to," he joked.

"For you and me both."

"Speaking of Matthew, does he know that I call you?"

"Yeah," she said, like it wasn't even an issue.

"He does…"

"Yeah," she replied, even more casually.

"Huh. That's… big of him."

"Say that again?" she sang, and he could hear a laugh escaping through her nose.

"I just called Matthew Taylor big…"

"You did."

"No, April, don't make me think about it," he said palming his face.

"Hey I'm not making you think about anything. You were born with a dirty, _dirty_ mind."

"…Is he though?" he whispered, unable to help himself.

"I am _not_ answering that question," she said, half indignant, half amused.

"Just give me a number. In inches."

"Listen to yourself!" She had a point and he knew it.

"It's for my ego. So in that case, throw in an estimate for Roy and Koracick, too, while you're at it."

"I am actively blocking those stints out of my memory. Completely. So sorry, buddy, no can do."

"April Kepner sleeping around. Who would've thunk it," he said, but his words were making him feel more uncomfortable than it made her.

"Not my proudest moment," she said, but she said it with some lightness to it. It was almost carefree. Like she forgave herself for it. It was nice for him that see that she's finally reached a point where she's been able to let herself off the hook, which she didn't do often if not at all.

"Hey, I'm proud of you."

"For what? Sleeping around?" she asked, puzzled.

"For coming out the other side. I… I admire you for it. A big part of who you were was tested to its breaking point and you managed to come out it with so much more resolve… And here I am just learning about how all this stuff works…"

"Jackson, I…"

"I just wanna thank you, April."

"For what?"

"You _inspired_ me. I feel inspired," he shrugged, "To be a better doctor, a better person… I… I wish I was a better husband." He chuckled dryly. He put himself in a vulnerable space by admitting that, but he didn't care. He felt safe talking to her. "…You still there?"

"Why do you keep trying to making me cry? I thought you were sorry," she said with a sniffled breath.

He managed a little laugh. "I just… I don't know. I thought you should know."

She tried to form words but before she could respond, he switched pace.

"Anyway, so I got Hattie this weekend, right? I can pick her up at the 'ol Taylor Residence. Is that what we're calling it now?" he said, trying to feign a much lighter mood. "Man, I have to say, April Taylor doesn't sound too horrible."

"Yeah, that's not my name," she said lightheartedly.

"It's not?"

"Nnnope."

"Why not?"

"Mmm, reasons," she chirped nonchalantly. "And yes, I will see you this weekend for the exchange."

"Ooo, sounds like a shady drug transaction."

"It's our daughter, Jackson!" she said, trying hard to sound serious.

If he was there with her right now, he was sure he'd get a slap on the chest for that.

"I'll see you then," he teased.

"Alright."

They hung up the phone and all he could think about was how small a price a slap on the chest was for him to pay.


	3. This Couch is Not Comfy

**Excerpts from 15x07**

* * *

"So you pictured… us ending," said Jackson, trying to get a hold on where Maggie was coming from when she said she thought it was her who'd be the reason their relationship wouldn't work out in the end.

"You didn't?" she accused.

"No," he said almost instantly.

"Did you picture it with April?"

The words that followed stung. "No, I didn't… picture my marriage ending –"

"Maybe it didn't."

"Come on. Are you really threatened by April?"

For a brief moment, what Meredith had said to her a few nights ago came to mind – that it wasn't a competition. It shouldn't be. But then she wondered how she was supposed to feel about him leaning on other women instead of her for emotional support. _What am I to him?_ she thought.

"Jackson. You're texting other women. You're talking to other women, one of whom you used to sleep with and the other who clearly wants to sleep with you, and you are telling them things that you don't tell me!"

"You want to know why I'm not telling you things?" he said, almost sounding argumentative. "About God or how I fit in this universe? Or about things I used to know but don't seem to know anymore? Because you don't… because you won't talk to me."

"I told you God and religion is not my thing, but I support you!" she said. And it was true. She's been very supportive so far. She told him it was okay to change, to evolve – and that the change he was facing was nothing to be embarrassed about.

Be that as it may, that's not what he meant.

"No, Maggie. You don't _talk_ to me. You know, not about… just your day, or rechargeable hearts, or how Mer's being a pain in the ass today. I mean I _never_ know a damn thing you're feeling," he said, his voice turning faint and defeated upon the realization that she's very rarely opened up to him.

"I am an _amazing_ friend. I am an _amazing_ sister. I am there for them through every crisis. Hell! I have been there for you!" And she was right. Images of April lying lifeless in a crowded OR flooded his mind, along with countless hours that Maggie offered up to personally monitor April's post-op recovery herself.

She's been there for him through that shitstorm and he knew it.

"Yes! You have been. You _have_ been," he said, to make sure it was clear that he recognized that, but returning to his point continued, "…It's not the same."

"So because I'm not spewing my feelings all over the place, that makes it okay for you to hide in your phone with other women?"

"You run every time it gets complicated, Maggie. You hide, in your lab, or you go off and buy some milk instead of having an actual conversation –"

"That's not fair!"

They did manage to get past his accidental marriage proposal. He had already apologized for that, while she had already apologized for the awkwardly emergent milk situation. But to him, that didn't mean that this wasn't part of their pattern: Something would come along to test her trust in him – be it April kissing him in a supply closet, or her thinking he rigged the innovation contest, or him opening up to other people – then she would shut him out and run for the hills.

His mind went back to a few minutes ago when she said she pictured them ending.

"You _planned_ the end of a relationship when it's barely begun. What _is_ that? …When was the last time you let me in at all? Like about anything."

"So you went and got it from someone else…" she said, realizing the core of their miscommunication.

"Maggie. Yeah. I find it a little easier to open up to people who open up to me."

* * *

"Hey, I was wondering…" said April, her voice soft and tender against his ear. She caught Matthew relaxing on their couch with a book and decided to lace a gentle embrace around his chest from behind. He also happened to be sporting a new haircut and a cleaner stubble which she appreciated.

"Hmm?" he hummed, freshly distracted by the loving attention he'd been enveloped in.

She gave him a sweet kiss on his cheek.

"Yeah babe?" he asked, wanting to know what she was up to. Offering a playful joke, he faced her and feigned a suspicious tone, his eyes squinting slightly. "…Did you break something?"

"What? No!" she laughed.

"Come here," he said kindly and she lightly hopped over the sofa to situate herself on his lap.

"I wanted to know what you'd think about…" she started. "You know. Trying _it_ again."

He knew exactly what she meant.

"Yes. _Yes._ You know what, we should," he said, hurriedly closing his book. "We should be good at that by now. This shouldn't even be a thing that newly married people go through anyway, and, really, I… I –"

"Sweetie, shhh. You're rambling… Let's go back," she said, her voice stable. Supportive. Her features beaming at the thought that followed. "Let's go back and just… remind ourselves why we stood up in front of each other in that disaster of a wedding and agreed to build a new start."

His expression softened.

"I asked you to marry me because I love you," he said, looking at her, completely smitten.

"And I love you," she affirmed.

"And we found love and support and redemption in one another," he continued.

"And now we're looking for a future together. Past the pain," she supplied. Something about her relationship with Matthew felt like a breath of fresh air. It felt like they were both struggling alone and somehow found each other's shoulder to lean on.

She moved away from his lap and occupied the space next to him. All these things they were saying to each other made the idea flutter in her head. "What if we just mail it in now?" she asked spontaneously, like a child who was failing the Marshmallow Test.

He grinned at how mischievous and adorable she was being. He needed strength to ground himself back to their little agreement. "I can't tell you how tempting that is, but I thought we agreed to fix our… problem first?"

"No, you're right. Absolutely. Gosh, I just can't believe we're choosing to delay sending in our marriage license until we… fix our sex life. This game is getting sad. I had to dodge Jackson the other day when he asked me why my name isn't April Taylor."

"What did you tell him? You didn't tell him –" he said, and before he had a chance to panic, she cut him off.

"No, I just said 'reasons'," she said. She slumped her forehead on his shoulder and muffled her words into his shirt. "That's how stupid this is. I think the only convincing thing about it was the fact that I didn't change my name either when I married him."

"Well, what other incentive comes close? Besides, we have like what? Fifty more days or so before we _have_ to send it in? Fifty more days of practice runs. Don't you want our _official_ honeymoon to be _uhh-mazing_?"

" _Uhhh_ I also want our _official_ marriage to be, well, _official_ ," she said.

"April…," he chuckled. "The Wedding Night sex… it was… Well, it was –"

"I know. It was off," she said frankly and her shoulders cringed up to her neck when she remembered it vividly. "Yup, I was there."

"…It _was_ off," he echoed. An awkward replay of that night reeled itself in his mind. They were completely out of sync, a little bit clumsy, and a tad too self-conscious. But, they both seemed adamant about fixing things and starting the marriage off right.

"I didn't think we'd have that problem!" she said, laughing humorlessly at their predicament.

"Neither did I!" he seconded, "But then the more we did it, the more we spazzed out so… We've been doing that thing we said we'd do. Take a little break, and hope it gets better when we start up again," he said, stroking her arm. "That doesn't change what I want. I still want this."

"I do, too. And you're right. It would be nice to start this with having things a little more figured out" she said, taking his hand and dancing her fingers across his wedding band. "So let's start up again. I mean, it's just about getting good at communicating what we like and what we don't like, right?"

"Yeah," he said, and he sealed their lips together. "Yeah, let's do this."

* * *

Maggie and Jackson had been on the opposite ends of his couch, discussing his leave from the hospital and the aftermath of his return. The conversation then steered to Maggie's ineptitude for fostering romantic relationships in stark proportion to her academic ability.

"You have been… married and divorced. And you have… a child," she smiled faintly but it soon disappeared. "And you… lost a child. And you are five steps ahead of me and I… don't know how to catch up."

Jackson wiped a hand across his face, not knowing how to help her get past that particular hurdle. It wasn't really something they could talk their way through easily.

Maggie relaxed her posture and dove right in. She figured an attempt to urge him to open up to her was worth a shot.

"Uhm… You said that you told Kate. About what you'd lost," she said.

"Y-yeah, uhm. That's… mes…messy. You know. Pretty complicated, Maggie," he replied quite uneasily. He wasn't sure she wanted to hear about what he'd been sharing with his new friend, Kate.

"Try me," she challenged bravely.

"Okay." Jackson accepted her invitation. He made his way to her side of the couch and sat comfortably beside her. It wasn't going to be easy. It _was_ complicated. It _was_ messy. Especially in light of recent events. But he, too, thought that it was worth a try.

"The one thing that April and I could never see eye to eye on was God," he began. "She believes, and I never could." He remembered their first big fight as a married couple, and how things could have run smoother if only they were on the same page at the time. "And now that I do, now that I really do," he continued, " _It's too late_. She married. She's happy with someone… else."

"You told me you were happy for her… you said that a lot of times…" she said, her suspicions replenishing themselves within her.

"I am. I _am_ happy for her. I would never do anything to take that away from her. I am uh _… grieving_ ," he said, meeting her eyes. "I'm grieving what we both lost… and what my daughter lost. The bad timing… and…"

Jackson looked at her tenderly. "I love you. I really love you. And that's all true and all a little messy and I just… I didn't know how to talk to you about it."

She looked down to the couch, her eyes moving back and forth as though she was sorting out a difficult puzzle or making rapid calculations in her head. A sigh escaped, the puzzle still twisted and rigid.

Much to his dismay, she got up and left with nothing much left to say as she headed out the door.


	4. Something's Been Wrong

"That was…" she said, her chest heaving. She turned her head to face him and found him equally lost for words. "Uhm, how are you?"

The two of them were sweaty and latching on to the bedsheet. They were both trying to catch their breath, but with little or no sense of accomplishment as the exertion-to-payout ratio was weighing them down.

"I'm fine. Did you…" he started, and she realized what he meant.

"No… No, sorry. I didn't," she said, shifting herself and crashing the back of her head onto her pillow to gaze at the ceiling. Her wavy red locks danced beautifully in the air before resting on her pale rosy shoulders with some lazy sections of hair masking parts of her face.

"No, no. Don't apologize. This is… this is good. At least now we're talking about it. Comparing notes," he breathed, then he followed suit and they both found themselves staring at the bland ceiling of their bedroom as though something interesting was pasted onto its surface.

"I mean we're both medical professionals, right? We know the _anatomy_ …and _stuff_ ," she said between pants and she raised her eyebrows. "We can figure this out…" Then her eyebrows scrunched up ever so slightly to return his question. "By the way, did you?"

"I think you would've noticed."

"Riiight… " she said. It _would've_ been more noticeable on his end. She _was_ a medical professional after all. She let out a small sigh. "Right."

"Okay. So, let's try to process this," he managed, trying to turn it into something productive. He propped himself up on one elbow to look at her. "Is there something… you didn't like with what I was doing?" he asked as he gently stroked away the strands of soft hair that were on her face.

"I wouldn't say I disliked anything," she said, still staring upward, still trapped in a haze. "Maybe… I don't know…. Maybe something's _lacking_?"

"Well how do you like it then?" he said, moving that same hand to lightly scratch his stubble. Then his eyebrows pulled together. "Wait. Do you… do you like it… _rough?_ " He whispered that last word as though they'd get in trouble if anymore overheard them, which was highly unlikely anyway.

"Hmm what?" she stalled, pretending not to hear him and looking aimlessly to the night light on her side of the bed to hide the fact that she was blinking almost a mile a minute.

"April… you'd like me to be… _rougher_ with you?" he repeated, completely flustered. It wasn't the most comfortable question for him to ask, and of course she knew that the adorkable, straight arrow, law-abiding, _Never Got a Parking Ticket_ hunk of a man she now called her husband, albeit unofficially, was feeling just a little bit shy about getting to know her kinks.

"W – because… I mean… You're awfully _gentle_ ," she stammered, widening her eyes at the word.

"I'm awfully _gentle_?" he said humorously with raised eyebrows. Then he took a moment to think about it. "…Well how rough are we talking here?"

She let off a tiny whine in protest before grabbing the pillow from under her head, smothering her face in to suppress her impending laughter. "I can't look you in the eye and tell you that with a straight face," she said shaking her head under the pillow, trying to get it together.

"Then tell me with a not straight face," he proposed.

"No."

"Goody-goody _church girl_ April Kepner… liking it rough in the sheets… wow," he said, thoroughly amused.

"Doesn't that appeal to you at all? Being in control?" she asked, peeping her face through the pillow.

"Not really? I don't know. I guess I just don't like the feeling that I might be hurting you," he said innocently.

"You… you are so precious," she said sympathetically.

"So… is that how he… is that how you guys –"

The pillow immediately flew away from her blushing face.

"Ohhhh my gosh! _Can we not?!_ " she exclaimed, trying particularly hard to keep her laughter from breaking through the cracks and messing with how serious she was trying to be.

"I mean I get it, he was your first… and…and maybe you just got used to how… uhm," he said, his words trailing off until a painful wince poked his face and left him frowning. Matthew fell silent for a moment and April knew that something about what he said made him uneasy.

"Hey, hey, what's wrong?" she said, and she sat up in concern to face him and hold his arm.

"Hmm? Oh, no, nothing I just, uughm" he said clearing his throat in a groan that men seem to use all the time to suppress their feelings. "I think I just need some water."

He feigned a smile and kissed her on the forehead before getting up to put on his boxer shorts.

"Matthew, wha –"

"Don't worry about it."

Within seconds, he was dressed and out of the room – presumably getting that water he used as a lame excuse to dodge whatever it was about that conversation that made him uncomfortable, leaving her totally stunned and confused as to what the hell just happened.

* * *

"Jackson! Jackson, wait up! Where are you going?"

"Where do you think I'm going?!" he bellowed, as he kept frantically pushing the elevator buttons. "You just told me my mom has _cancer,_ Maggie. And not just any garden variety tumor but a freaking monstrous spinal chondrosarcoma of all things so if you can't give me a reason why I shouldn't get on the first flight out to see her, I'm pushing all my surgeries and heading there now."

The power has been down for quite a while, but now some sections of the hospital were already beginning to function by way of the backup generator. Unfortunately for him, the elevators weren't one of them.

"Damn the elevators are still down," he said, kicking angrily at one of the metal doors.

"I can. Give you a reason. And you won't like it, but there is a _very_ big reason you can't go out there right now. Jackson, the windstorm has barely passed and I'm pretty sure all the terminals are delaying outward flights."

"Then I'm calling our plane," he said insistently and pulled out his phone. Before he could make his way to take the stairs, Maggie grabbed him by the shoulders to try to calm him down.

"Jackson, look at me," she said. "It's too dangerous out there. And we can't risk giving your mom another devastating thing to worry about if your flight on the way there goes haywire. Which it might."

He fidgeted for a moment, his face pained with panic. His brilliant light eyes were glowing with desperation and all he could do was let out a frustrated little whimper as tears started glazing his eyes. This gaze drifted to the phone in his hand, and almost instantly, he went on to dial his mother.

No answer.

He tried it a couple more times to no avail.

"Where's Grey?" he asked, remembering that Maggie's sister was appointed as Catherine's surgeon.

"Last I heard from her, she was paging me for a heart transplant in fifteen minutes," she said. "They found a donor here for Cece. I think she's on her way to the OR now."

Jackson hurriedly dialed Meredith. He needed answers. He need them badly.

Just when the call to Meredith failed, the hospital PA system blasted an announcement enumerating all staff members who were confined in the elevators, letting everyone know they were momentarily unavailable for surgery and consults. Meredith was one of them.

"Well that explains why I can't reach her phone. Cell service is absolute crap in the elevators. Damnit!" he yelled, his neurons ablaze. "Wait… the lockdown protocol!" he said and started sprinting toward one of the halls leading to the nurses' station. Maggie was trailing close behind, unsure of where he was going with this.

"Where are we going?" she asked him.

"There's a two-way communication device installed in every elevator in case of emergency. At Grey Sloan, nurses check in on who gets stuck to help with the headcount during a lockdown or a power-out like this one. That's how they got that info," he said as he called the attention of one of the nurses manning the PA desk.

"Hi, I need to speak with Meredith Grey. It's urgent. Can you link me to the elevator she's in?"

"Of course, Dr. Avery," said the nurse, and without much time in between, Meredith answered the emergency call button.

"Yup, me and the resident are still stuck in here; It's not like we're going anywhere," said the general surgeon.

"Mer, it's Jackson," he said. "Please. I need you to fill me in on my mother's case… Please."

"Maggie told you?" she asked.

"I couldn't not tell him!" answered Maggie.

"Well we'll deal with that later. Jackson…"

"Yeah, I'm here."

"I know we've broken a lot of HIPAA here already, but I'm still compelled to tell you that Dr. DeLuca is standing right next to me. And I can't shove him out of this steel box, so unless you want me to physically incapacitate his ability to tune into this conversation, he'll be privy to anything I tell you right now."

A terrified look grew on DeLuca's face. "Are you serious?" he mouthed over to Meredith while they waited for Jackson's reply.

"That's fine. I just need to know," said Jackson.

"Okay," said Meredith, taking a deep breath. "Let's buckle up, then."

* * *

April made her way out of their bedroom in her sweatpants and a thin shirt. She had just begun to put on a sweater when she reached the living room, where she found Matthew. He was holding a glass of water, staring out the window.

Wow so he was really sticking to this glass-of-water idea, she thought.

"Hey," she said, hugging herself to get warm. "Still pretty windy out."

"Yeah… Want some water? – "

"Matthew…," she said instantly. "Are we going to talk about what just happened in there?"

"I don't think I can."

"Okay," she said, but instead of leaving him be and retreating to their bedroom, she took the spot beside him on the couch. If there's one thing he's learned about her, it was that the word _retreat_ never sat well with her. Unless it was a spiritual retreat. "We're in this thing for a pretty long time," she began. "Don't you think it's a good idea to be honest with each other?"

Silence. She could tell he was in his head. It was that moment that she decided to propose something that might help them along. "Hey do you wanna try something?"

"What's that?" he asked curiously.

"Look, I think this is good. Conversations like this… they're _good_ ," she said. "And you said it before. You value honesty… like _so much_." Her eyes rolled upward for emphasis and he knew she was referencing their first breakup, when she lied about her virginity. They shared a chuckle before she continued.

"So why don't we just… spill everything. In serious conversations like this. Let's really just lay it all out there, feel what we need to feel, and suck it all up even if it hurts sometimes. Then deal with it. God knows how much we've been through. I think we can handle _this_."

"Just… everything?"

"Everything. What's bothering us, what excites us… what's holding us back…" she said, looking away for a moment before looking back. "Uhm, is it Jackson? Are you… I don't know, are you jealous or something?"

He shook his head.

"Babe, you gotta help me out here," she urged.

"No, I'm not jealous. I meant it when I said that I forgave him. And that I was okay with him calling you. But Jackson and I are two very different people –"

"If you think I'm actively comparing sex between you and –"

"No, see, that's the thing. I think we both are. I don't know, subconsciously, unintentionally, maybe?" He looked at her earnestly. "…I think we both are."

Her expression relaxed. It clicked. She moved her mouth to form words. She knew that she knew how. But in this moment, she didn't. Jackson was her first time in much the same way that Karin was _his_ , and she and Matthew were two people who held such a reverence for the people they truly believed would be their spouses for life. Until they weren't.

The night before her board exams flashed before her eyes – her and Jackson lying side by side on a hotel bed in San Francisco, two crazy kids laughing their heads off at how mind-blowing and life-changing that night was for both of them.

She could only imagine what memories of his late wife Matthew was holding fondly in his head at the moment, too.

They sat in silence until the words came to her.

"So, you think of Karin… whenever we…"

"I think about her all the time. But to answer your question… I…I don't know if she's the reason why... I'm just starting to name those feelings now. I know that it's not strictly _practical_ or _fair_ to either of us," he said, tears starting to form in his eyes. "But the more we talk and open up to each other about it, the more I associate her with our problem."

She nodded but her eyes were looking down on the floor.

"Did you ever think of Jackson? Whenever we…" he said to return her question.

She blew out all the air in her lungs and took a deep breath. She took his hand, looked him straight in the eye, and whispered, "Honesty?"

"Honesty," he whispered back.

"A few times. Once or twice, he crossed my mind. Uhm… it's not often. It's not malicious. They come in flashes I can't control. Uhh…," she said, her voice shaky and her eyes wet. "I think about him when I look at our daughter. His eyes look back at me through the perfect little face I only get to see for parts of the week. It still haunts me. How things ended up this way." She blinked a couple of times and it sent tears trickling down her face.

"April, these people… they _changed_ us," he said staring at a random piece of furniture. His voice went soft. Vulnerable. He shifted his gaze to her. "You are so much like her. Which is why I'm having such a hard time with this conversation. You two are so alike… but so different, too."

"Do I… do I feel like... like some inadequate replacement?" she asked, clearly hurt. She stood up.

His expression fell. "No. No, that's not what I meant."

"Please. Enlighten me," she challenged.

"I don't know. I guess what I'm trying to say is… Maybe it's easier for you since you and Jackson have been divorced for a while before we happened. That, and him and I couldn't be more different. On my end… everything's still pretty fresh and it's just… you remind me of her so much that it hurts sometimes."

"Except when we're in bed and you're reminded that I'm not her."

"No. That's not… no!"

"I'm not discounting the fact that you still love her, Matthew, because you should! When I met her, I could see why. What happened to Karin was horrible and my heart _broke_ for you..." Her voice cracked a little at the thought of that trying time, eyes laden with tears. "I don't expect us to pretend that what happened didn't happen but… what are we doing?"

His eyes said it all. He was lost. But he was trying.

April relaxed her shoulders and willed herself to sit back next to him. They locked eyes and took a breath to reset.

"I'm sorry. What you're feeling is valid," she said, and in that moment, she realized just how much she's outgrown the dismissive and tunnel-sighted person who was too busy trying everything to save her marriage that she forgot to take a breath and accept that what Jackson was feeling was valid. Great. Another lesson learned a little too late, she thought.

"If you need space or time," she said, her arms crossed and tucked into herself, "to clear your mind and think things through, it's yours. I wanna help."

He let out a shaky puff of air before offering her a grateful look, then wrapped a hand around the back of his neck.

"Man, honesty sucks," he exhaled.

"Yeah, tell me about it."


	5. For Now

"Jackson, would you open the door? Please. What can I do?" For the past few minutes, Maggie has been camped outside the on-call room that Jackson had ran into after speaking with Meredith. Grey's report was troubling.

He sat down on the bunk with his phone by his side in case his mother wanted to call him back. With his head in his hands, he waited.

A nurse found Maggie standing outside the small room and gently called her attention.

"Dr. Pierce, the elevators are up and running. She may have paged you already, but Dr. Grey needs you for that heart transplant. OR 2."

With her hand leaving the door, she addressed him a final time. "Jackson, It's Cece… I… I have to go. But I'll come find you when I'm done, okay? Just… just hang in there."

Jackson sat by himself silently, waiting – either for the storm to pass or for a phone call to come. Whichever came first.

The moments that passed felt to him like forever, and just when he was about to get up and quit it, his phone rang with the caller ID he had been hoping for this whole time.

"Mom!" he said, after immediately picking up. To his surprise, he heard the cocky voice of a man he did not particularly care much for.

"Yeah, wish I was. I'm not your mom, Jackie."

"Koracick," he said, his voice laced with disdain. He wished it was his mother speaking to him.

"God. You and Webber. Same reaction. Look, I know your mother, and she often tells me that her baby boy very rarely calls her, so the fact that her phone has a gazillion miscalls from you tells me that… you know." The last part left Tom Koracick's mouth with some seriousness, in contrast to his usually arrogant and easygoing tone. Tom may have been a cocky piece of work, but he was smart as a whip.

"Yeah. I know," said Jackson.

"Grey couldn't shut it? I heard HIPAA was a thing," said Tom disapprovingly.

"Does it matter now? Why can't she answer her phone? How is she?"

"One at a time, baby boy. She's undergoing some diagnostic procedures. She missed a bunch of calls from Webber, too. What Grey told you is up to date."

"I'm coming over. Storm's clearing up. I'll be there as soon as I can."

"Sure. Sure. Bet she'd love the surprise. And since the cat's out of the bag, feel free to break it to Webber and bring him along. She's been meaning to tell him anyway." said Tom nonchalantly.

"He doesn't know yet?" he asked, his eyebrows bunched together.

"No. Also…try to convince him for me that I am _not_ sleeping with your mother," he finished trivially. "That'd be great."

"You're a tool," he said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"This needs to be done and you know it. See you two soon," said Tom and he hung up the phone.

* * *

April had shifted to lie on her back and was occupying most of the couch, her head now resting on Matthew's leg. His frame was slightly reclined as he sat beneath her, with one arm hugging the back of the sofa. They were completely out of it, living in their own heads until she broke the silence.

"So… where does this put us?" she asked softly.

"Well, we just got brutally honest with one another… and with ourselves. We haven't really…figured anything out," he admitted. "Do you think this is helping? Because it sorta feels like we made our problem worse."

"Mm, bitter pill, I think. This conflict you're having was probably gonna show up no matter what. You owe it to yourself to acknowledge it. Honestly, I thought that conversation would escalate… you know, with the sort of things we were telling each other."

"Yeah me, too. Hey, I'm sorry. About everything," and he looked down to meet her hazel eyes.

She let out a small breath. "Don't be. I understand you better now. Counts for something. Uhm, do you wanna maybe, sleep on it?"

"Yeah maybe we should just call it a night. For now. But I do think we should talk about it more."

"Okay," she said. She sat up and glanced at the baby monitor. "The girls are still asleep, but they might wake up anytime."

They looked at each other like they realized something, then quickly looked away. They knew they were thinking the same thing. There were stakes involved.

The next morning, over breakfast, April's phone rang. She took a sip of her coffee before checking the screen to find the name of a familiar caller. She accepted the call and put the phone to her ear.

"Who is it?" mouthed Matthew from across the kitchen as he flipped a pancake.

"Jackson," she mouthed back, then started talking through the cell. "Hey. What's up?"

"Hi," said Jackson. "Uhm. I was wondering. If it's not too much to ask. Could you… could you keep the little nugget with you this week? I don't… I don't think I can pick her up for my turn." His voice was the slightest bit timid and he sounded exhausted. She could tell that something was off. He continued but was not being very convincing. "Maybe I can just, you know, do a double next week or –"

It didn't take much for her to see right through him.

"Are you okay?" she asked, her voice deep, serious, and a little concerned. There was no point in hiding it. He should have known better.

He let out a long sigh. He was outed the second he tried to act like everything was normal. "No," he said truthfully. "No, I'm not okay right now."

He expected a barrage of questions. He braced himself for the floodgates to unleash a relentless stream of queries that he had half a mind to answer given how tired he was from lack of sleep but instead she simply offered him two options. "Talk about it, or be a goat?" she asked.

He caught on pretty quickly. He remembered that time – that time she had called him a goat for wanting to tough it out by himself when he caught that nasty flu a few months into their marriage. For weeks, he had to put up with her comparing him to a goat who'd rather separate from the flock and crawl to the back of the barn than accept her help.

Matthew's face screwed up slightly but couldn't help his amusement over the strange shorthand.

"Be a goat… for now," said Jackson.

"Okay," she said simply. "And yes, I can take Hattie."

"Okay," he said back. "Thank you."

She stayed quiet, but as though through magic, he could feel her fidget. She was indeed restraining herself from prying any further. "April, I know you're fighting every fiber in your body right now to not follow up on this. So, for your sanity… I'm gonna hang up now."

"Ugh. Alright. Yeah. Okay. Just… Okay."

She put down the phone and walked over to the kitchen to help out.

"Everything okay?" asked Matthew.

"For some reason, no. But I hope things turn out," she replied.

Only a few seconds passed until her phone rang again. Her shoulders fell and she groaned in frustration. She double backed to take a bite from the pancake that Matthew swiftly offered up to her mouth before walking back to the table to answer her phone again.

"Goats don't get to call back, Jackson!" she said with her mouth still stuffed.

"I'm sure I don't know what you mean, Sweetheart," said a mature and womanly voice that she knew all too well.

Her eyes glanced sideways to face her phone with a puzzled look and she immediately checked the caller ID. "Catherine?"

"Hi, honey. Listen, I need to tell you something and I need you to keep it together."

She swallowed whatever was left in her mouth, wondering what this was all about but agreed anyway. "Uhhh. Okay?"

"I have an advanced chondrosarcoma latching itself onto my spine."

"Woah. _Wait_. WHAT?!" she shrieked, breaking all notions of the direction he'd just been given. Matthew was caught off guard, too, and, distracted by her reaction, accidentally burnt his hand on the stove top. She looked over to check if he was okay, while simultaneously having to balance this new information entering her head.

"Well Jackson's on his way," said Catherine. "He doesn't know that I know… that he knows. Boy thinks he's bein' all sneaky comin' over here. It's ridiculous."

"Wait. Catherine! This is... _serious!_ How are you so _calm?!_ Does Richard know?"

"Jackson probably told him. They're taking a private flight on the way. HA! Not so private when I know everything, now is it? My treatment plan is underway. I got Grey and Koracick on it."

"Catherine…" said April sadly.

"Oh, come now, Sweetie. Look, I need you to get yourself over here. These men were probably so wound up, _they didn't even bother to bring my grandbaby_. And 'am mad as hell."

They both shared a laughy breath before Catherine spoke again.

"April… I… I need to see her."

"Please don't tell me it's that bad," said April.

"In the event that it is… I know you can handle it. You have to, baby."

* * *

Jackson walked silently up to his mother's hospital bed, saying a million things just with his eyes. He finally reached her and wrapped two strong arms around her. "You are the _worst_ at acting surprised, Ma," he finally said.

" _You,_ don't know _how_ to surprise me, baby," she teased, and he knew she was probably right.

Richard was standing by the door and decided to come closer and take her hand. He didn't say anything. He didn't need to.

Later that evening, Jackson brought them dinner. The three of them didn't really spend that much time together, and whenever they did, Jackson usually found himself in some uncomfortable position. Now though, this time was more than welcome.

"You know how you're supposed to pull off a surprise?" began Catherine. "That's how," she said and she pointed her gaze to the door.

Jackson turned to see April, dressed in a black trench, holding their little girl in her arms and what looked like a box of…

"I brought waffleeees," she sang in a small voice, a little self-conscious to see that everyone turned to look at her. She let Harriet down and the little one walked over to Jackson. He mindlessly picked her up and gave her a kiss on the head, still surprised to see the redhead who flew all the way for a visit.

Instinctually, he slowly tore his gaze from April to his mother. There was no doubt in his mind that she was behind this.

"I was gonna tell you I wanted to see her," Catherine said in her defense. "But you were already on your way, too busy actin' all stealthy," she said and she grabbed his chin and shook it playfully when he came near her to hand her Harriet. "Baby, you need to shave."

Jackson left Harriet on the bed with Catherine and crossed the room to help April with the waffles. "Thanks for coming all this way. You didn't have to," he said in a hushed but thankful voice as he took the box of waffles from her hand.

"No trouble at all," she smiled.

Catherine welcomed her with a wide grin and April put her satchel down in one spot, then closed in to hug her long and tight. She looked over to Richard who was sitting down next to them and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, which he gratefully overlapped with a warm hand of his own.

"So, how's the husband? I hope he doesn't mind that I stole you away for a bit," said Catherine, holding April close.

"Oh no, not at all. He totally understands," she said.

Right after Catherine called her that morning, she and Matthew agreed that some time off from each other presented itself graciously and would give them a healthy amount of space to mull over recent events.

Unmissed by Jackson, his mother drew April even closer and asked, "Is my girl getting regularly L-A-I-D? You two doin' your jobs as newlyweds?" April raised her eyebrows at her former mother-in-law's directness – not like anything was new about that – and gave her the same bashful laugh from when Catherine was trying to set her up with a gynecology fellow years ago. This time though, April purposefully stammered off to avoid talking about her problem with Matthew. It seemed a bit small compared to the obstacle Catherine was facing at the moment.

Jackson shifted in his seat and looked to the floor and before April could dodge Catherine completely, Harriet started crying.

April picked up their daughter and tried to calm her down. "Ohhh, shhhh. She's probably tired from the flight. A little cranky maybe," said April while stroking Harriet's soft little curls. "We're checked in at a hotel nearby, I can bring her in again in the morning."

"Okay, Sweetie," said Catherine.

"Thanks for dropping by," smiled Richard.

"I'll drive you," offered Jackson.

"Uh, sure. If it's okay," said April appreciatively.

"How can I not?" he smiled and lightly bopped a finger on Harriet's little nose, making her smile brightly.

"Right well we _did_ come all this waaayyy," joked April as she swooped Harriet playfully in the air to mimic a small plane in flight.

"I was gonna say it's because you brought waffles. But sure, that, too," he jabbed.

They made their way down to the parking lot and into the car. There was no baby seat so April and Harriet stayed at the back and Jackson hopped into the driver's seat. As April was getting them comfortable, Jackson chanced a view of them through the rearview.

Framed in a small piece of glass was the family that wasn't quite his. The result of impeccably bad timing and missed opportunities glared back at him and he felt his heart sink all the way down to the brake pedal.

Strapping them in securely, April met his gaze through the mirror, her long eyelashes framing those warm hazel eyes. They've since converted into precious stones when she quit her job and married off into a whole other life away from the hospital. He's seen them so seldom nowadays.

"All good?" she asked.

"Yup," he said, gearing the car onward.

It didn't take them long to reach the hotel. They hopped out of the car, and surprisingly, Harriet was still wide awake. Jackson took her in his arms to hug her goodbye and when it came time to return her to April, her little arms clasped themselves around his neck like a vice grip to keep him close. Soon, a loud rebellious whine from the little one followed.

Jackson asked for April's permission with his eyes, and she nodded in approval for him to stay until Harriet falls asleep. April waited for him to park the car and they all went up to their room together.

When they got to the room, they set Harriet up in a little pillow fortress, as she was one to fall asleep easily when surrounded by something soft and huggable.

"Hey, do they have any shaving kits in here? Mom keeps nagging me to shave," said Jackson, stroking his beard.

"Even better," she said optimistically. "They have an electronic razor. Let me set you up."

"You know what, I might shave my head while I'm at it."

"Awww but your curls are growing out so nicely," she said.

"Yeah, but…" he said, running a hand through his head and remembering how much she liked playing with his curls. "Right now, it would be nice to at least _feel_ like I've cleared my head."

"Alright," she said easily and made her way to the bathroom to grab the device. "How's Maggie?" she asked happily as she opened one of the cabinets in the bathroom, her voice slightly softened by the distance between them. "I thought… you know, since you and Richard…"

"Oh, she had to stay in the hospital," he said, all the way from the bedroom. "Had an emergent patient. Heart transplant, post-op complication."

April returned shortly with the razor and grabbed some sheets of newspaper from the coffee table and spread them on the floor. She got up and their heads casually turned in sync to glance over at Harriet, who was still wearing herself down by pounding on some pillows.

He placed a chair above the newspaper and sat down as she took the razor out of its box. As she handed it to him and untangled the chord, the wedding band on one of her dainty fingers stood out with a fleeting glint of the light and he swallowed a lump in his throat.

"Yeah, I still don't get why they put the sockets way up here," she said, reaching up to plug in the device. Her shirt lifted slightly and he caught a glimpse of Harriet's birth scar on her belly. It took him a second to notice that he was holding his breath and a stream of air snagged its way out from his nose before he stood up to help her.

"Here, I got it," he said and he plugged it in.

Jackson removed his shirt and was pleased to know that the comfort level they had with one another never left them. If this was set way back during their residency, she would have flinched or flustered up at the sight of him shedding any piece of his clothing. But now, she just stood there like it was nothing, like it was trivial. During better times, she would have been flustered for all the right reasons. But now, she seemed to have been past even _that_ – or at the very least, she had an expert way of hiding it. They've come a long way.

He sat down, tired. This day had been so much for him. Seeing his mother for the first time in the state that she was left him terrified the whole day, and being alone together with April and Harriet after quite some time really started to take an emotional toll on him.

He turned the razor on and it didn't take long for April to notice that his hand was shaking – which was a momentous event because Jackson's hand _never_ shook.

Without a word, she came closer and both her hands embraced the one he was using to hold the buzzing razor. Within moments, the tremor stopped. She took the device from his hand and with a seriously concentrated look over his head, ran a hand through his hair.

The soothing feeling made his bright watery eyes flutter shut and it squeezed a small tear that ran down his face. With a gentle touch, she began shaving his head, her surgical precision still very much intact.

She wasn't supposed to feel _this_ much like home.

"There," she said after a while and he opened his eyes. He ran a hand through his head and felt that every inch of it was pristinely shaven close but not all the way – just how he liked to wear it most of the time.

Nearly every inch.

"April, what's… _this?_ " he asked, looking up as he toyed with a small tuft of hair at the top of his head.

Suppressing her giggles, she replied, "It's a shark fin. For bath time with Hattie," she replied.

He looked at her with wide eyes and they both burst out laughing their heads off. A small angry groan came from the pile of pillows on the bed and they soon realized that Harriet fell asleep to the buzzing sound of the razor. Having to stay quiet made it so much harder for them to stuff down their laughter, but they managed to reel it in before she had a chance to wake up.

"Alright. The beard," she whispered after ridding him of the ridiculous looking 'shark fin' on his head. She tilted his head from side to side to inspect the field. "The usual, sir?"

He nodded. They were both whispering now to avoid another round of scolding from their sleeping child. "Now, you _really_ gotta stop laughing April, or you'll nick my face," he muttered.

"Excuse _you,_ I have surgeon hands!"

"Well who knows? You might be out of practice by now," he joked and she rolled her eyes but gave a confident smirk. To him, this was April in one of her finest moments – when she was fully confident in her abilities and didn't let anything bring her down. Not even him.

He stretched the area under his nose taut by making a funny face that pulled his lips inside his mouth and made his nostrils flare a little, challenging her not to laugh. With a closed smile, she shook her head, and without flinching, started shaving his mustache and he began to speak through strained lips, still whispering. "You know, we m –"

"Shhh. Stop talking," she whispered back. There was no arguing with that. It didn't take long, but he had to wait until she was done giving him an evenly shadowed stubble before finishing that thought.

"What's that?" she whispered, as she started brushing hair away from his back and shoulders with one of Harriet's small baby towels.

"I said, we miss you… over at the hospital," he said softly. "You would've been an absolute godsend for impalement palooza, windstorm and all."

It was almost like he was bribing her to come back to Grey Sloan with awesome traumas.

An affected look grew on her face for a second and she smiled softly. "Well, that's sweet of you guys. But I'm still needed elsewhere," she said, brushing his shoulder off one last time with a flick of the cloth.

Jackson put his shirt and coat back on and thanked her for her expert work. He walked up to their sleeping daughter and gave her a kiss on the forehead.

Before leaving the door, he turned to face her. "Thanks for being here," he said gratefully. He looked at her and reached in to envelope her in a long warm hug.

She hugged him back and took a deep breath.

"Hang in there, okay?" she said then she patted his back twice and pulled away. "Will you be okay?"

"I will be," he said. "For now."


	6. Face the Music

Jackson was seated on a couch by the door of his mother's hospital room while her and Tom Koracick were going through yet another rundown of her impending surgery. Grey and Koracick had very little room for error on this one. They had to be perfect.

To get his mind off of things after having heard this plan for four times now, Jackson continued reading a book that a friend from the monastery recommended to him. It talked about what it meant to have faith in something in the face of adversity.

Never in forever did he think that he would be reading something like that, but there he was, nose-deep in an inch-think heap of text that managed to offer him some comfort during this difficult time.

After a while, he heard a gentle voice from over his shoulder that pulled his mouth into an involuntary smirk.

"That one's a really good one," said April softly, not wanting to disrupt Tom and Catherine's conversation. "Hm, great haircut," she jabbed.

Jackson looked up at her with a much lighter expression than the one he had been wearing before she came in. "I'm liking it so far..." he began, and just when she started feeling proud of her hairstyling skills, he corrected cheekily, "...the book I mean."

She rolled her eyes and pushed his face away playfully with one hand. The tiny giggle she emitted caught the attention of Tom from across the room, who turned to look at the redhead for whom he had a pretty unique fondness.

"I knew I should have cashed in some more on that pretty little ass of yours while I had the chance," said Tom teasingly, now that he and Catherine were made aware of her presence. "You… look great," he said, eyeing her from head to toe. "I kinda hate that you're married now."

Jackson tried to keep his attention to the book he was reading. If he and April were still married, he wouldn't have wasted any time tearing Tom apart for that. Now... it wasn't his place anymore. It hasn't been for a long time.

Either way, he hated the fact that Tom and April slept together, much like how he despised hearing about her and Vik Roy. It wasn't that he didn't respect her right to move on with other people, it was just that she wasn't fully herself when she made those calls. It seemed to him as though these men were taking advantage of her in her moment of vulnerability.

He glanced over the pages to observe April and was surprised to see that her reaction was far from what he expected.

He exepcted her to curl up into a quirky ball of shame and denial, or at least take the same amount of offense that he had taken for how blunt Koracick was being. Instead, April brushed off his comment like it was an inside joke and knowingly shook her head.

"It's good to see you, too, Tom," smiled April and the look on Tom's face grew softer with a tinge of endearment. It was a rare look on him.

"Come here, you," said Tom and April walked over to hug him like they were old friends.

A puzzled look grew not only on Jackson's face, but on Catherine's, too, who had no prior incling to Tom and April's short-lived history. Jackson never even thought their relationship was anything more than just a short sexual fling and he started to wonder if there were actual feelings involved.

Koracick broke away from their greeting hug as soon as his pager sounded off.

"Woop, gotta go," he said. "Grey wants to confer with me before we prep you for your surgery later this evening. Sit tight."

Tom casually left the room and in the process, left April with some explaining to do. Catherine was now looking at her with expectant eyes.

"What?" laughed the redhead feebly when she turned to see her former mother-in-law's expression.

"You and KORACICK?" gasped Catherine, trying not to smile.

"Yea – I mean... It was a pretty… confusing time for me," she stuttered, until she finally put the right words together. "He understood what I was going through."

Jackson's eyes quickly looked up from his book after what she said. The fact that Tom Koracick of all people got through to her in a time when that's all he had been wanting to do, did not make him feel good at all. He shifted uncomfortably at the feeling of failing her as the person who should have known her best and grimaced at the reminder that he and April have continued to drift apart ever since she decided to move out of his house.

"April Kepner. Now aren't you full of surprises," said Catherine before lowering her voice. "And in case you didn't know, I hit that, too, a couple of times."

"Oh. Oh my goodness," said April bashfully, realizing that she and Catherine have had sex with the same man. Jackson was visibly cringing, too, at the same realization, and hid behind his book again.

"So. Are we going to pretend that you didn't just dodge my question last night or are you gonna tell me what's what and distract me from my pain" said Catherine, wincing in discomfort and raising a hand to stop Jackson, who almost immediately got up at the sight of his mother feeling the turmoil of her condition.

"I'mmm… gonna pretend like I have a choice and go with the latter," said April.

"Good girl."

"But seriously, Catherine," said April caringly, taking one of the older woman's hand in both of hers. "Now is about youuu," she said, giving Catherine's hand a doting little pat.

"April," laughed Catherine. "'Now is about youuu' is the opposite of distracting me from what's happening," she finished, trying to imitate April's overly well-mannered phrase.

Reluctantly, April tried her best to describe the state of her marriage. She wasn't so sure herself. All she knew was that she wasn't about to spill too much about their problem - either out of shame, or consideration to Catherine's more pressing issue with her health. Probably both.

"Well… Matthew and I are… starting fresh. And we're learning a lot," she said, as sincere and optimistically as she could.

"Then why still so uptight, baby?" said Catherine wittily, and her voice softened to a curious whisper. "At least tell me… Are you having lots of good sex?"

"Mom!" bellowed Jackson from the couch.

"Oh, hush now. Was I asking you?" scolded Catherine like he was still some little boy throwing a fit. "You know, you could make yourself useful by bringing Mama a red Jell-O cup."

Jackson took a deep breath, shut his book, and stood up to leave the room to procure his mother's request as April struggled to muster up a response to Catherine constantly prodding with her sex life.

"Uhhh. Yeah. Well, we… we're… trying…"

"Already?" interrupted Catherine, a little shocked.

Jackson, on the other hand, stopped dead in his tracks before he reached the door and immediately turned to face April. He had absolutely no time to hide the fact that he wasn't only shocked, but that a desperately worried expression was written all across his features. The only consolation was that April's back was turned to him, but his mother could see him just fine.

"Oh. OH. No," said April, her head shaking to deny what they thought she meant by the word 'trying'. "No, not like that. I don't think I'm ready for another baby just yet."

Jackson let out an audible stream of air through his nose as though he had been holding his breath for quite some time.

Just yet. It kept ringing in his head. He knew that's what marriage would entail at some point if they chose it, but it was only now that he opened his mind to the idea of her - April - having a baby with someone else.

Catherine, noticing him linger, shot him a pointed look and signalled her son to return to his task, all the while giving April an understanding look.

"What I mean is," continued the redhead, when Jackson was already out of the room. "… We're trying to… you know, really settle down and find our footing. Cozy up to things." She was starting to slip. She recognizd that it would start to sound forced if she took it any further than that.

Catherine simply wore her bright-eyed poker face, as though she could see right through her, and said, "Well it's hard in the beginning, dear. As I'm sure you know."

This wasn't her first rodeo dealing with April adjusting to married life because the last time, it was with her son.

A common understanding seemed to bridge between the two women that although there were things she was struggling with in her marriage to Matthew - if she was going to call it that yet - she was also in it to try and make it work.

"It's not nearly as hard as the end," said April finally, while looking at the book on the couch that Jackson had left behind. "So, I know I'll be okay."

Catherine saw a fleeting moment of sentimental pain strain April's face. Maybe she was thinking about her divorce with Jackson. Maybe she was thinking about Karin's passing and how that ended Matthew's first marriage. Catherine couldn't tell anymore. She offered her a squeeze of the hand and changed the subject.

"So, Koracick, huh?" she smirked and April laughed and covered her face with one hand, blushing up in a far funnier mood.

* * *

"Maggie, you're here early," said Jackson, surprised, as he bumped into his girlfriend along one of the hospital corridors.

"Yeah, I came as soon as I can," said Maggie, and he took her travel bag over one of his shoulders. "I set aside a couple of days to check in on you and Richard. How are you?"

Jackson looked at his feet then up at her again. "Anxious about tonight."

"Wow, it's happening that soon?"

"Yeah. They're finalizing their surgical plan later this afternoon."

Maggie nodded understandingly. She was usually good at small talk but Jackson could tell that she was a bit uncomfortable.

"Hey, thanks for coming over…" he started. "I know we didn't really get a chance to settle any of the issues we've been having and I – "

"We can find time for that. Now's about your mom. We'll revisit our thing when she's out of the woods. Okay?" she said considerately, though they both knew that they were really due for a talk.

"Okay," he said thankfully.

"Where were you heading anyway?" she asked, looking at the direction he was headed before they ran into each other.

"Cafeteria. Mom wants a Jell-O cup. At least she's strong enough to order me around," he chuckled weakly.

"I'll walk with you," she offered, putting a hand on his shoulder as they headed toward the cafeteria. "So, is April okay with taking Harriet for a little while longer?"

"Yeaaah when I said that my mom is strong enough to order me around, apparently that also means she's strong enough to order April around, too. Or at least convince her to come all the way here to bring Harriet."

"Oh. Wow. She's here?" said Maggie, surprised that April agreed to grant Catherine's rather demanding request.

"Yup. Bet my mom used the Life-threatening Disease card. Hattie's taking a nap at daycare and April's with mom right now."

"They're really close aren't they?" said Maggie, smiling softly.

"Yeah…" said Jackson, staring distantly. "And today, I just found out how close."

Maggie raised one eyebrow and urged him to elaborate.

"Turns out, they slept with the same person," he said, trying not to sound as bothered as he was.

"Wait… is this… Tom Koracick?" she chuckled.

"How the hell do you know that?" he asked, his gaze snapping back to her.

"Amelia. She told me about Tom and your mom. And, well, April mentioned her romp with Tom to me when she went on that cute little apology tour all around the hospital," chuckled Maggie as they reached the cafeteria food booth.

"I remember that," he smiled, handing her a Jell-O cup. "Hey, I have a question. And You don't have to answer if you don't want to talk about it."

"Shoot," said Maggie, after spooning down some jello and taking a bite. The sweet dessert seemed to lighten her mood, so he went for it.

"Do you think it was Koracick who pulled April out from that downward spiral?"

"Hmm," she began, recognizing the thoughtful headsup he gave considering that April was a recent point of contention in their past conversation. Still, this particular topic seemed harmless enough, so she answered him sincerely. "I really don't know much about what she was going through. I'm glad she's better now, and if we have Tom Koracick to thank, then so be it."

"Yeah. Totally out of left field though. He seems like a total jerk," he said, tossing arond the red Jell-O cup for his mom in his hands.

"If it's true, I don't know, maybe they just get each other somehow."

"Yeah. Maybe," he said, and they made their way back to his mom's hospital room.

* * *

When they arrived, April was just on her way out to check on Harriet at the daycare center.

"Oh, Maggie. Hi!" said the redhead cheerfully when she spotted the couple, and she moved in for a hug. "Gosh, I haven't seen you since the wedding."

"Yeah! It's been a while," smiled Maggie, reciprocating her hug warmly. They broke away and Maggie noticed that April was wearing a sweater with a v-neck just wide enough to reveal two light scars below her collarbones from the chest incisions they made to resuscitate her months ago. She remembered that April had to blotch a hefty amount of concealer on that area for Jo and Alex's wedding not too long ago.

Maggie moved the fabric away slightly to get a better look and April looked down at her chest where Maggie's hands were. "They're almost gone," she said approvingly, tracing the faint marks on her skin. "They healed so well."

"I had an awesome doctor," said April, her eyes beaming with gratitude.

They smiled at each other and Maggie remembered the time when April complimented her on her suturing technique when she came in one time to check on the trauma surgeon's vitals during her recovery. They even shared a few inside jokes and some very interesting stories about surgery and their relationships. She seemed excited about her reboot with Matthew, and the two women really did enjoy each other's company during their run as doctor and patient.

To Maggie, April seemed happy. Seeing her again, it certainly didn't feel like she was out to ruin her marriage with some emotional affair that Maggie built up in her head just because Jackson had been running to her about his problems. Somehow though, what Jackson said to her about how he was grieving the loss of his relationship with April still managed to ring through. Maybe her issues were purely with him and not her, she thought.

"Anyway, I gotta check on the little nugget upstairs. I'll see you around, Maggie," said April, patting Maggie's arm before grabbing her bag stationed on the couch.

"You got her?" asked Jackson as he placed the dessert cup next to the bedside of his now napping mother.

"Yeah. We might have to schedule another rotation of baby clothes. I swear, she's growing so fast she's gonna pop out of them in her sleep," replied April, looping the bag over her shoulder and moving her head to flick her hair back into place.

"Alright. I'll give the orphanage a call and ask them if they need more clothes."

"Are you sure? I can do it."

Jackson thought about it for a moment and then glanced over to Catherine sleeping, then back to April. With just his eyes, he took April up on her offer. She nodded welcomingly, and politely left the room.

Maggie rarely got to see him and April interact firsthand as co-parents. It was... Nice? In-sync? Effective? Effective was a good word but it wasn't enough.

Their level of communication got so good. Ironically, it got better after they've been separated. They managed to streamline their system, probably out of necessity after agreeing to remain civil co-parents after the divorce.

But they were more than divorcees. They were more than co-parents. After things fell apart after Samuel died, something fundamental remained and kept them from staying out of each other's lives.

Maggie kept spiraling into her own head. Was it really just a matter of bad timing that these two didn't end up together? How could two people seem so right for each other when fate has led them to be with other people?

As April left, Maggie saw Jackson move barely an inch toward the door until he stopped and finally sat back down on the couch to pick up the book he's been reading.

She wondered if he wanted to follow April to daycare to see their daughter. She wondered if he stayed in the room just because she was there.

She wondered if the life he now craved, knowing all too well he couldn't have it, wasn't the one he had with her.


	7. We'll Have to Open Her Up

"What the hell did we just do?" said Meredith, her magnificently glowing light eyes framed below crumpled brows. She held her instruments completely still under the fluorescent light of the operating room where Catherine lay.

"I think we just made history, Dr. Grey," Tom said slowly, and not a second later, Catherine's vitals started to stabilize.

"Did we just…" said Meredith in disbelief.

"Oh yeah," confirmed Tom. "But we won't know for sure until we do a full work up when she wakes up."

"IF she wakes up," said Grey, reexamining her stats.

"Dr. Grey, did anyone tell you how…"

"How dark and twisty I am? Oh yeah."

"I was gonna say how much of a realist you are," said Tom, calculating Catherine's odds in his mind. "That possibility is definitely still out there."

* * *

"It's been too long since the last update," said Jackson, checking his watch and helplessly running a hand over his head.

"That just means that they're focusing on the surgery," offered Maggie, who sat across him beside Richard in the waiting lounge.

"Or it means that something went wrong," said Jackson, preparing himself for the worst.

"Let's hope not," said April, who just came in again after checking on Harriet for a short while. She took the empty seat next to Jackson and rejoined the group in their air of worry. The four of them had convened at the lounge when Catherine's surgery started that evening. They've been camped out there since, only leaving for food, personal calls, or short bathroom breaks.

Despite Harriet being set up with a special nanny for the night in a private room within arms reach of half a dozen staff members who were tasked to "make sure that Catherine Fox's grandchild was well taken care of", Jackson turned to April to ask about their daughter in a feeble attempt to get the anxiety off his mind.

"How's Hattie?" he asked tiredly.

"Sleeping like an actual baby. Don't worry about her, okay?" assured April, rubbing his back comfortingly. "She's good."

They sat in silence for a long time until Richard finally spoke. He's been quiet lately, trying to let everything sink in until it finally did.

"I wasn't here with her when she found out about… her condition," said the old surgeon regretfully. His deep and usually authoritative voice was gentle, exhausted, and definitely not something any of the younger doctors beside him were used to. The realization slowly and painfully reduced him to sobs.

Richard put his face to his hands as Jackson succumbed to a similar influx of guilt.

April and Maggie knew it was time to step up. Determined to offer comfort, they gave each other a subtle nod as they silently assigned themselves to the task of tending to the men at their side. Maggie took Richard in her arms while April gently guided Jackson's head onto her shoulder.

The two men let themselves feel it for as long as they needed, both grateful for the women who were seated next to them.

"You're here now," Maggie told Richard. "And I'm sure she's glad to have you here with her."

"Your mom's a strong woman, Jackson," said April, propping up his resolve to carry on with the tortuous wait. "If there's anyone who has a chance against this, we know it's her."

Maggie noticed Jackson's shoulders relax almost instantly with what April was telling him. Her touch seemed to have a certain effect on him - a soothing comfort that made his breath steady.

Maggie felt her feelings pained, but against her concerns with Jackson and how he felt about April recently, she somehow knew that this was how things were supposed to be, at least for now. Her care for Jackson and what he needed in this moment made it worth it. Seeing Richard start to calm down under her peaceful embrace… made it worth it.

A few minutes passed and Tom Koracick finally emerged from the OR, pulling off his playing card scrub cap as he approached the group. They all stood up in nervous anticipation for the news to come.

"She's stable," he said, and heavy sighs of relief permeated the space. "It was a close call. A _very_ close call… But we got it all." Tom seemed relieved himself, and it didn't take much to infer that he indeed cared very deeply for Catherine. "Grey is closing. I'll check back in with you post-op," he finished, and he made his way back from where he came after Richard shook his hand and they all exchanged hugs.

April gave Jackson one last squeeze before giving way to Maggie and offering Richard a warm hug. She glanced over at Jackson and Maggie for a moment and saw him looking at her over Maggie's shoulder. It was fleeting, and she held it for a second before looking away. But it was something.

It was around three in the morning when everyone parted ways. It's been a long night, especially for Jackson and Richard - both of whom, have had the least amount of sleep. They thanked the girls again for their support and agreed to meet them in the morning to check on Catherine's progress.

Maggie and April, on the other hand, had some energy left to expend.

"Heyyy, so apparently Joe's Bar has a counterpart in this city. This bar is right across the hospital, too," said Maggie, checking her phone. Seeing that she caught April's attention, she thought it would be nice to invite the redhead. "I'm headed there now, do you… wanna come?"

"That… sounds nice," said April, relaxing her frame and shaking the day off her shoulders. "I'm actually taking a break from alcohol, but the company sounds good."

The two women made their way to the bar across the hospital, agreeing that a drink or two would do them good before settling in. They didn't bother to invite Jackson since they figured he would want some sleep, and inviting Richard to a bar was… out of the question.

The bar was little more modern-looking than Joe's. It was missing the old wooden scratch marks on almost every surface that gave their Seattle comfort cove its character and its history.

Their bartender was wearing a button-up shirt and tie, and the two of them bashfully giggled at how handsome he was. He served Maggie a glass of wine and April a virgin Margarita to start off their short nightcap.

"So why the break from alcohol, if you don't mind me asking?" said Maggie curiously before her eyes drifted to April's tummy. "Are you…"

"Ooooh my gosh. Why is everyone thinking that I'm pregnant or trying to get pregnant?" laughed April.

"Well, I'm sorry," chuckled Maggie, lifting her hands defensively. "It's just my first guess. You know, as a doctor."

"Fair point," replied April, taking a sip from her beverage. "Probably would have been my first guess, too."

"So then... why?" piqued Maggie in a hushed tone.

"Aha. Well, when things got rough for me a few months back… it involved a lot of booze," began April, teasing the rim of her glass with a finger. "I think I'm set for at least the next three months or so," she joked. It was a bit of a half joke by the look of it.

"Hey, I'm glad you came out of it," said Maggie supportively.

"Thanks…" said April, taking a breath in and finally letting it out. "Phew, yeah, jeez, so am I."

"Cheers to that," proposed the cardio surgeon and the edges of their glasses pinged lightly against each other.

After Maggie took a swig, April noticed that her disposition changed slightly. "Hey, you okay?" she asked Maggie.

It took her a couple of seconds when she finally replied.

"No," she said hesitantly. "I uhh… I may be breaking up with Jackson."

"What?" gasped April softly, with her eyebrows raised and knotted slightly in concern until she opened herself up to listen to what Maggie had to say. "... You're sure about this?"

"I'm about 90% there… I just… You know, this thing with his mom, I know that now is definitely not the right time… but soon."

"Right, right. Did you uhhm…" said April, swallowing a small lump in her throat. "Did you love him?"

"He says he loves me…" said Maggie and April felt the tiniest bit of discomfort that remained unnoticed by Maggie, who was now staring quite distantly. "And I say it, too. I tell him that I do. I tell myself that I do. But…"

"But…" the former trauma surgeon urged.

"I don't think we want the same things… at least, not anymore."

"So… you don't want him anymore… or?"

"No, he's the one who's changed."

"Is this about his… beliefs? 'Cause I didn't see that one coming, either." April was still getting used to using the words 'beliefs' and 'Jackson' associatively in one sentence.

"Yeah. It was a big change. But I told him... that it's okay. It's okay to change… it's… It's just…" she looked over to April and found her attentive hazel eyes. The same eyes that she imagined Jackson missing so much after she left Grey Sloan. "He's trying to come to terms with some… things… things I don't think I'm able help him with."

"You don't know that. _You_ are a supportive girlfriend," argued April encouragingly. "You've been there for him. Heck, you've been there for me!"

"Thank you!" said Maggie, a little surprised as she noticed that this was the same point she was trying to make to Jackson. Of all people, it was April who seemed to get her. "But it's not the same, apparently… And I have a lot to learn. I know that. And I'm willing to try, but… He's just so ahead of me."

"Ahead? With what?" asked April, taking another sip and sucking in her upper lip to catch the sweet lemony taste that was left there.

"With commitment, with life in general," enumerated Maggie before addressing April with her eyes and laughing shyly. "You would know. You were there for most of it. And… and he talks to you," she said finally, wondering if it was a good idea to bring it up. She was quite curious about what sorts of things Jackson was opening up to April about and this seemed like a good way of subtly asking.

"Yeah, uhh... He told me that he's finally trying to grieve… Samuel. Like really grieve this time, and grapple with why he was taken away." April's face grew sad as she recounted the terms of their separation and how he's been dealing about Samuel before now. "When…"

She took a deep breath.

"When I left for the army, he had to try to do it alone. We both… managed." April eyes started to glisten but she reeled it in. "But my guess is that he covered up all that grief with anger. Anger with me, with the world… I should have been there. But I couldn't until I was whole again and it was too late."

This was the first time Maggie heard of why the two split. At first she thought that they had fallen out of love or somehing. She knew now that wasn't the case.

"Now that he's finally at that point..." continued April. "I'm happy for him."

"It's good you guys are friends now," said Maggie, rather truthfully. Despite the fact that April's undying connection with Jackson has caused a hiccup in their relationship, she genuinely preferred them civil with each other.

"I appreciate that," smiled April. "So yeah, you're right. He seems to be dealing with some things. That, in particular."

"April…" said Maggie, having half a mind to tell her that Samuel's death wasn't the only thing that Jackson's been grieving. She almost felt like she had the right to know. It's always been Maggie's thing to want to give people the truth they deserve, especially people she liked.

Before opening her mouth to speak, one of the things that Jackson had said to her about April came to mind.

 _She's married. She's happy… I would never do anything to take that away from her._

And he was right. April didn't deserve to have her new happy life marred by knowing that Jackson was hurting and having regrets about their marriage ending.

"Yeah?" prompted April gently as Maggie decided on what to do. Before she had the chance to follow up again, Maggie thought of a save and opted to ask for her advice instead.

"How do you move on with someone who you thought was okay, but then turns out to still be suffering from such a huge loss? A loss you can't seem to help him with?"

She knew April would think she meant Samuel, but she also meant Jackson's other loss. The one she had just forbidden herself from mentioning directly, for April's sake.

Unbeknownst to Maggie, April started toying with her wedding band below the table.

"... and who seems like he needs to figure some stuff out on his own?" April added insightfully, like something clicked and she knew exactly how she felt.

Maggie had no idea that April was thinking about something else entirely.

"Yes! Yes, Exactly," said Maggie, not noticing that April was now deep in thought. "God, so you get it then?"

"I do…" said April, as though recovering from a broken trance. "Will you… wait for him? To be okay again?"

It was her turn to ask for advice.

"I don't know. And that probably means I'm indecisive and don't know what I want."

"No," said April swiftly. "It means you're human."

Maggie gave April a soft smile, accepting her reassuring words. This talk with her was far more helpful than she had anticipated.

"Hey, thanks for listening. I think I get why he talks to you," said Maggie.

"You're welcome… Hey, do you mind if I make a phone call?"

"Not at all. Please, go ahead. I might clock out, too. It's pretty late. See you in the morning?"

"Yeah definitely," smiled April.

As April put the phone to her ear, Maggie stood up and paid for their drinks. Before April could offer to chip in, Maggie countered her kindly. April mouthed a sweet "thank you" over to her and gave her a parting hug before a voice on the other end of the line answered the call.

"Hey," replied April, looking over to see Maggie leaving the bar. "Sorry to wake you. I just… wanted you to know that I'll be coming over there soon. I really want to see you. And talk."


	8. Time Out

"You're leaving…" said Jackson.

"Y-yeah," April said affirmatively.

Catherine had woken up that day and was showing good signs of recovery. Her reflexes were coming around and much to Jackson's relief, her doting personality toward him seemed to have stayed intact. At times, she did complain of some pain, but Tom said that it was part of the healing process. According to him and Meredith, it was the good kind.

After her conversation with Maggie, April decided it would be best that she returned to Seattle to finally sort things out with her own relationship. When Maggie left the bar that morning, April placed a call to Matthew saying she'll be home as soon as she can, depending on the outcome of Catherine's operation - which in this case, turned out to be excellent.

Their talk had been postponed for far too long.

Jackson nodded at April but seemed to be working around some problem in his head. It was the face he used when he was trying to phrase something properly.

"April…"

 _You're letting her go. She belongs with her husband. Do not ruin this for her._

"Yeah?"

"Is he looking for you already?" he smiled.

 _Please don't go._

"Actually… I just really need to see him right now." she said sheepishly.

 _Right_.

"In that case... I just want you to know that you've been such a big help," he said earnestly. "Really. Thank you."

 _You have no idea._

"Of course," she said. She walked backward one step closer to the door, but paused to face him before she could turn on her heel to leave. "You don't need to thank me. You know that, right?…"

 _Uhmm, I think I do though._

"Because where else would I be, silly?" she said, like she was telling him off.

He conceded with a chuckle.

 _I don't know. With Matthew?_

"Besides…" she continued, much more seriously. "I can't not be there for you. Not this time."

 _For the love of…_

 _Fuck it._

Without thinking, Jackson walked forward and closed the distance between them, his eyes trained on her lips.

 _Why did she have to say that?_

The intentions of his body were so clear that he had to will his mind to regain the better part of his judgement.

 _Stop. You are NOT that guy._

With only a split second to correct himself, his face was so close to hers already that he decided to reach in to take her in his arms instead. It was all he could do.

They hugged for a little while longer before she broke away.

"Take care of yourself, okay?" she said, fixing his collar. "Do you want me to take Hattie with me?"

"I got her. If that's okay. Mom might want to spend a little more time with her and I think she'll be more comfortable on our plane coming back."

"Alrighty then."

April said her goodbyes to everyone before setting Jackson up with Harriet for a couple more days. Tom and Catherine in particular, were not fans of her early departure but insisted they should catch up sometime under better circumstances.

With everything settled, she checked out of their hotel and got the earliest flight back to cold rainy Seattle.

* * *

"How was your trip?" asked Matthew, taking April's bags and giving her a kiss on the cheek. She patted her feet dry on the front mat and hung her raincoat on the rack.

"Good. Got here faster than I thought," she said, gently plopping her handbag on the living room couch. "Is Ruby asleep?"

"Yeah, I just got her down. How's Catherine?"

"Gosh… They did it," she said, quite impressed with her former colleagues. "And I saw the scans. It was no easy feat, lemme tell ya."

"Wow. That's great…" he said, realizing that they were going to run out of small talk soon before they'd be left with nothing but the elephant in room. "So…"

"So…" she mirrored nervously.

"I took a short trip of my own…" he said, with one hand cupping the back of his neck.

"Yeah? Where'd you go?" she asked casually, heading over to the kitchen to fix herself up some hot tea.

"Out of town," he said, following her.

"You brought Ruby with you?"

"Yeah... We went to see her grandparents," he admitted tentatively. "Her mom's parents..."

"Okay…" she said. It wasn't something bad. She was just curious about one thing. "Do they know?"

"About us?"

She nodded to confirm, while she clicked a button on the electric kettle.

"No," he said sadly.

"Right." She expected as much. She even understood why. But deciding on whether or not that should be a problem was a different story. "Uhm… so how was it?" she asked, trying to keep the energy positive.

"They were happy to see her. They haven't seen her since… the funeral."

"Yeah. I bet they're surprised with how much she's grown since." She didn't know what else to say, but she had to say something. "... So did you, have a chance to think about it… about us?"

"Yes."

"You named the feelings?"

"I named the feelings," he said, nodding slowly to verify that he took to his little assignment diligently while she was away.

She looked at him, hoping he knew that he was free to tell her what he wanted to say.

"Grief," he said simply.

"Okay," she said, pouring hot water on a cup loaded with her favorite tea. She put the kettle down.

Two sets of good-hearted eyes met each other's gaze, both kind but hurting deeply. "Tell me what you need, Matthew."

"April, I want you."

"No. What you need first."

"I can't ask that from you…"

"I'm asking you to ask me."

* * *

"So you're just… calling it? Just like that?"

"Don't think this was an easy decision for me to come to just because it was a simple one."

"Simple? Maggie… This whole thing is simple to you?"

"Yeah. You know what? It is. And maybe for you, it's not. But I feel like I'm done, Jackson."

"And you're sure you don't want to, you know, work through this?"

"Tell me how then. Tell me how we can make this work when you're still… going through what you're going through," she said, taking a breath… and then another. "You said it yourself. You almost kissed her before she left. God, why did you have to tell me that?"

"I had to tell you. Honestly, I almost didn't," he admitted. "And I feel terrible."

"Well you've been… really honest lately," she said, sitting down on the bed of the empty hospital room that they entered to have a talk. "And don't get me wrong. I like April. Believe me when I say that I have nothing against her. But I hate seeing you like this."

"I'm trying. Okay?" he said, his chest letting out a puff of air. "I'm trying to accept how things are. How things will probably always be, and that I should just... _move on_."

"And there's nothing wrong with that! I just think it would be healthier if you weren't also juggling a relationship at the same time."

He took a minute to process what she was saying and recognize that she did indeed make a lot of sense.

"Maybe I just need time," he said.

Maggie looked at him knowingly. This was exactly what she and April were just talking about.

"You're asking… if I'll wait for you," she said, her voice slow but certain.

He paused to meet her eyes.

"Will you?"

* * *

"So you want… time away?"

Matthew took her teacup and invited April to take a seat at their dining area.

"When we left the city while you were away, I felt a change. The atmosphere changed, and suddenly, I wasn't breathing the same air from the place where my wife had died," he said, his words riddled with residual awe from the recent experience. "...You must think I'm crazy."

"I don't."

When Matthew gave her an incredulous look, she continued.

"Matthew, people grieve differently," she said, reaching for his hand. "For me... it was the army. So if you've found a way that doesn't involve heading over to a warzone where you could get shot or blown up at any moment, then you're already better off than me."

Their mood lightened substantially at her joke, though they both knew that she meant what she said.

"Why are you so okay with this?"

"I don't know," she said, her thoughts trailing until an epiphany broke free. "No. Actually I do. I know what it's like to want to get away."

"I remember," he said, holding her hand tighter, recalling the time she opened up to him about Samuel and how her marriage fell apart. He thought about how the last thing he wanted to do was to put her through another failed marriage and it made him remember something else. "God. Our papers. We have like, what? A little over a month left on the clock?"

"No. Don't think about that right now," she said and he wore a confused looked on his face until she explained. "...One of my regrets with Jackson was that I was more focused on staying married than acting married…" He saw a tear stream run down her delicate face and she shook it off. "The license isn't what's important right now, okay?"

"Okay… so… you're saying yes?"

"I'm saying… it's worth a try."

* * *

"You're saying no…"

"I don't want to, but yeah, I'm saying no…"

Jackson looked to the floor in disappointment.

"Look," she said, following his action. "I am _so_ tired of being the girl who's expected to learn everything. Really fast. All the time. And for once… I wanna be able to take my time." He looked at her as she went on. "You may always be five steps ahead of me, Jackson, and maybe that's okay. I'm not ready for marriage or a family, or some spiritual connection, or any of the things you seem to want right now… and seeing you want it in front of me when I can't give it… hurts."

"Maggie… I am so sorry," he said, looking away again as guilt started flooding his lungs. "And you're right. You don't deserve that kind of pressure."

"Also... just because you can't have it with the person you _really_ want to have it with…" she said, catching his eye as his face flew to face her. She meant April and he knew it. "Doesn't mean that there aren't people out there who do."

"You just know that it's not you…" he finished for her.

She took a deep breath. "Yes."

* * *

"Two weeks then," she said agreeably. "Then if you need more time maybe we can -"

"I might not even need more time. Let's just… see how it goes first?" he said, quelling her nervous rambling.

He glanced over at the baby monitor and she knew what he was thinking.

"I got her," she offered. "She can stay here with me."

"I can't have you… not with everything you're already doing for me," he began considerately. "How 'bout this… Karin's parents have been dying to spend time with her. Maybe I can set her up there for a visit?"

She thought about it and nodded understandingly. "I bet she'd love it there," she smiled. "Uhm... Goodbye?"

"April, we're not leaving now," he chuckled.

"I know. I guess I'm just letting myself get used to it before you two actually go."

"Hey… are you sure you're okay with this?" he asked, rubbing her arm with his thumb.

She looked at him with sad eyes. "Like I said, it's worth a try."

* * *

"Goodbye, Jackson," said Maggie, when they stopped outside the hospital. "I really do wish you the best."

They had agreed it would be practical for her to return to Seattle anyway since Catherine's been doing so well, and she had patients back home to attend to. She bid Richard and Catherine farewell, although the older couple had no idea that the two had decided to call it quits.

Jackson gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you. And take care," he said, before the taxi pulled in and he opened the door for her to send her on her way.


	9. Not the Only One?

_10 days later…_

"Hey, does Dr. Pierce, seem… _happier_ to you? Like extra cheery lately?" Jackson asked Jo.

They were hanging around the nurses' station when he caught sight of Maggie walking alongside Meredith and Amelia. It looked like she was trying to cheer Amelia up over some problem that the neurosurgeon seemed to be struggling with. He guessed that it had something to do with Owen and his situation with Teddy.

Jo was busying herself right next to him with her iPad, reviewing her patient charts for the day. She looked up for a second to observe the group and entertain his query before refocusing her attention to her task.

"Yes," the general surgery fellow said simply, as she spotted the smiling cardio head with her band of sisters.

"Damn."

"What, you don't like her happy?" she laughed, scrolling through the interface.

"Nah, of course I do. It's just… did she really seem that sad when she was with me?"

Jo took a few seconds to think about it carefully before replying with blunt certainty.

"... Yes," she said, almost too honestly. When she felt him squinting at her, she lowered the gadget momentarily in an attempt to elaborate. "Maybe... she just rode with your vibe. It's pretty infectious. Did anyone tell you that you have an angry looking face a lot of the time?"

"More than you know, Wilson… Oh, right. It's _Karev_ now, isn't it?" he corrected himself. "Man, I keep forgetting."

"You know what, it might as well not be," she said calmly as she swiped her finger to the next screen with a lot more force than necessary, causing the tablet in her hand to wobble. Jackson looked at her with raised eyebrows, wordlessly confused with her behavior.

"Ugh," she groaned, rolling her eyes up at the ceiling. " _Alex_ is taking _forever_ to mail our marriage license to the Records Office. He insisted that he would do it, but I think he's waiting for the last _possible_ minute just to… _mess_ with me," she ranted as she continued assaulting the helpless device with violent swipes timed to the fervid words that left her pretty mouth.

"Well, gotta admit," he said, signing a random document and slipping his pen inside the chest pocket of his lab coat. "I'm gonna miss saying _'You suck, Karev'_ without having to check if you're around," he jeered. "It gets a little confusing."

"That's very considerate of a you," she replied, amused, before straightening out like she remembered something important. "Hey, speaking of which, you should remind April…" she began, but was cut off when her pager started rioting in her back pocket. "Shit, 911."

Without a moment's notice, Jo was now dashing toward the ICU, leaving Jackson baffled as he called out to her while he still had her within range.

"Remind April? About what?"

"Another time!"

Jackson spent most of his morning doing routine procedures and administrative paperwork. Compiling some papers for the chief, he went on to find Alex, who he caught easily walking the halls.

"Here you go, chief," said Jackson, handing a folder over.

"Never thought I'd hear that from you," Alex said in a proud scruffy voice.

"Never thought I'd be saying it. Hey have you seen Wils… I mean, Karev? The other Karev," he clarified. "Can't seem to find her anywhere."

"Well, she's got a busy day today," said Alex, glancing at his watch before poking at the plastic surgeon. "Hey, get your own wife, Prettyboy."

"Never thought I'd hear _that_ from you."

"Is it urgent?" Alex asked responsibly.

"You know what, it can wait," said Jackson, not wanting to divulge the topic of his unfinished conversation with Jo.

"Fine then."

"Oh, and one more thing."

"What?" asked Alex, a little irritated.

"Mail your damn papers, Karev."

Alex chuckled. "Jo sent you?"

"It's important."

"Yeah, yeah. Small work." Alex nodded him off as he went off to resume his chiefly duties.

With his day being so light, Jackson decided it would be a good opportunity to snatch Harriet out of daycare for a father-daughter date outside the hospital. He only had few days left with her until April was going to pick her up again for her turn.

"Hi, baby," he said in a cute voice as he bounced the little toddler in his arms. "Just me and you today." He took a deep breath and smiled. "Me and you. Come on, let's go get some lunch."

After securing Harriet in the back, the two hit the road on route to one of his favorite restaurants in town.

Driving usually switched his brain into autopilot, but it was only when something familiar caught his eye up ahead that he started paying close attention to what was in front of him.

Jackson found himself trailing a vehicle that he hasn't seen in a long time. In fact, the last time he remembered seeing it was not long after the time when he and his batchmates were vying for the position of chief resident.

Though it looked just a tad older, in front of him zoomed the old raggedy trailer that Alex used to sleep in at the Grey Sloan parking lot back when the place was still called Seattle Grace Mercy West. It was the same trailer that Owen lived in for the longest time until he sold it off to who knows who so he could get himself real house. Heck, it was Derek Shepherd's old trailer. He could have recognized it anywhere.

"That... is one pretty lousy driver," Jackson said to himself, as he studied the way the trailer sloppily maneuvered across town. "Gosh, Hunt, who'd you sell it to?"

Out of curiosity, Jackson thought it would be interesting to follow it to where it would land in the hopes of striking up a conversation with whoever it ended up with. Double checking to see if Harriet wasn't already getting the lunchtime munchies, he followed through to pursue Derek's trailer to its destination.

Lucky for him, the drive wasn't some cross country roadtrip. With the exception of some annoying swerves and unnecessary stops, he was able to keep up with the errant driver. The trailer soon settled in to park at a quiet little clearing that was surrounded by wooded sections of forest. It was a public area, but it looked quite unpopular since no one else seemed to be around.

He guessed that the driver had already noticed him trailing behind, and expected whoever it was to come out and confront him. But no one came to meet him. All he heard was the front door of the lead vehicle open before the trailer door behind it opened and closed out of view.

Against his better judgement, he drove his car closer to the entrance of the trailer. He unbuckled his seatbelt and left the engine on to keep the airconditioning up for Harriet, while popping open a snack for her to enjoy in the meantime.

As he walked up to the trailer's entrance, he noticed that the glass windows were already broken and replaced with some dark sturdy lining as a temporary fix. He finally reached the door and moved his hand up to knock on it, but before his knuckles could hit the surface, the door swung open and he jumped when he heard a startled little yelp that he knew all too well, followed by the sound of a frying pan hitting the floor.

"Jackson?! What in the… You scared me to death!" she said, shoving him back by the chest.

"April? What are you… I scared _you_?" he bellowed, then looked at the heavy item by her feet and pointed at it. "You were about to hit me with that thing!"

"I know, I know, sorry. God," said April, placing a hand to her forehead. "I lost track of what car you drove. You keep changing them! I thought you were some _weirdo_ following me!"

"Was that why you kept stopping and swerving? I thought you were just some reckless driver," he said, until a smirk quickly replaced the frown on his face. "Come to think of it, I guess I should've realized it was you sooner."

"Ha! Funny." she replied sarcastically.

"What are you doing with Hunt's old trailer?"

She looked at him for a while and let a breath of air budge through closed lips. "Long story. Have you eaten?"

"Was about to, before… _this_."

"Come inside then. I've got plenty of food."

"Wait," he said, scrunching his eyes shut like he made the biggest mistake and was about to get lectured for it.

"What?" she said suspiciously, knowing that face well.

"I gotta get Hattie. She's in the car," he said, bracing himself.

"You left her in the car?!"

"I left her with a snack…" he offered optimistically.

"Jackson, you can't just leave her alone like that!"

"I parked near the trailer! I swear, I had my eyes on her the whole time."

"Well what if it wasn't me and some lunatic did something to you?"

"You mean like hit me with a frying pan?" he rebutted, completely satisfied that all she could do was roll her eyes and exhale audibly, a small smirk tugging at the corner of her lips. Pretending to be guarded and wary that she might pull a fast one with the pan, he turned around to fetch their kid from the car.

"So I got… turkey casserole, lasagna, mmm yum," she said as she scrounged through the fridge for some packed food that she cooked. "ooo, and some freakin' _fan_ -tabulous roast beef…"

Jackson thought he wouldn't live to see the day, but he never missed leftovers more in his life. Or her cooking for that matter.

"So how've you been?" she asked casually. "I heard from Catherine. Says she's a lot better now."

"Yeah, the time off has really been doing her good... Uhmm, so Maggie dumped me," he said trivially.

"Huh," she responded quietly, trying to pretend that she wasn't made aware of Maggie's plan to end it with him. "Well that's a first."

"Hm?"

"You know, usually, you do all the dumping," she said easily, not knowing it would plunge him into a pool of guilt as she reorganized tubs of leftovers in the fridge.

A tightness in his chest formed upon the realization that not only was he the one to break things off with both Lexie and Stephanie back in the day, but with her, too. Twice.

"… Right," he said as he tried to shake it off even though he knew he couldn't. He had to change the subject to get out of his head. "So, spill."

"What is there to spill?" she laughed, preparing meals for the three of them.

"April," he started, while looking around the interior of her new space, which, although organized to the letter, was full of cargo. "You're camped out in an old trailer, loaded with workstuff, training dummies, and a coffee machine. _Youuu_ …," he said, looking her square in the eye. "... are on a work rampage. Means you're upset about something," he finished, observing her closely, a little concerned.

"They're for our projects with the homeless communities. And with the trailer, it's so much more convenient," she said, avoiding eye contact.

"April," he repeated quietly. He knew she was telling the truth but it wasn't the whole truth. There was definitely more to it.

"Well, if you really wanna know… My husband left me," she said, poking at her food. She said it almost as casually as him mentioning his breakup with Maggie.

A quick moment of silence was followed by the swift motion of him standing from his seat and turning toward the door. "I'm gonna kill him."

He felt her hand on his arm stop him and he paused. "Nooo, you're not gonna kill him," she said calmly, offering up a reasonable explanation. "He's… going through a thing. It's temporary, and I'm giving him space. He's out of town. Guess Catherine's not the only one who's needing time off."

He turned to face her. His expression softened but he was still concerned. "Are you okay?"

"I think so," she said frankly. "I'm making great progress with these training modules. Disaster management and medical care for impoverished communities."

He looked around again, this time zooming in to see mounds of written protocols, letters to local government units on her laptop, and piles of healthcare pamphlets on the ready for distribution.

"You did all this while Hattie was with me? It's only been a few days."

"Yeah."

"This is… amazing," he said, thoroughly impressed at how much she's gotten done within such a short amount of time. "So this trailer… is it yours now?"

"Oh no, I just rented it out for now, along with the hauling vehicle. I saw it around town one day and recognized it instantly. Talked to the owner and he says he doesn't use it much. I don't know if I want to buy it… yet, you know? Pretty sure a bunch of our friends have had sex in this thing," she said, grimacing at the thought and it made him laugh.

"I mean, I'm still gonna stay at the house for my turn with Hattie in a couple days. It's just… it feels a bit big when I'm alone. And it's nice to be parked so close to my work."

"Ruby?"

"At her grandparents'."

"I hate that he left you all alone. That was an idiot move."

"You left Maggie."

"That's different."

"I know. Because this was a mutual decision," she said. "And if it doesn't turn out well, then I guess it's a _mutual_ idiot move."

"Wow."

"I'm sorry... Too soon?" she asked, hoping she didn't step on his feelings by the mention of his recent breakup. "'Cause, y-ya walked right into that one."

"No. Not that. You've…"

"I've…?"

 _Changed?_

 _...Grown?_

Deep down, he felt the aggregate of his regrets loom over him - the divorce, Montana, the fact that they've somehow grown more compatible than they have ever been before. Fate had its own twisted way and from where he stood, it was far from enough that they now seemed to have what it took to be the spouse that the other needed. Because really, they couldn't. Not anymore. She was committed to someone else and he had no right or power to change that.

"Got a lucky husband," he said, almost in a whisper as he started painfully accepting that he may not have been the only one who she'd give herself to fully.

He exhaled deeply and returned to his seat next to her and the three of them ate lunch together. After a while of chatting, mostly about Harriet and work, Jackson thanked her for their meal, which in his mind was leagues upon leagues better than the food they would have had at the restaurant.

Soon after, the two decided it would be a good idea for him to drive back to Grey Sloan, seeing as he was still on-call. Meanwhile, April opted to get back to work herself.

She waved Jackson and their daughter goodbye as his car left the confines of her quiet little hideaway.

"I've been looking for you everywhere!" said Jo, as she spotted him entering the attendings lounge.

"Yeah. I just… did a thing," he said. "Oh, and I told Alex to mail your papers by the way."

"Did he listen to you?" Jo asked excitedly.

"Yeah," he laughed. "At least I think he did."

"You should be the one to remind April then. 'Cause I already tried."

"Yeah, remind April about what exactly?" asked Jackson with knotted brows. "We never got to that."

"That she should mail in her marriage license with Matthew! The due date is coming up and she hasn't done it yet."

Jackson froze completely like he forgot how to move. Apart from that, he was pretty sure that he was gawking blankly at Jo like she was some unearthly being from another planet.


	10. I Just Want to Be Happy

"Jo, what are you talking about?"

"Uhh, her marriage license?" said Jo, with one hand holding a cup full of coffee and the other poking lazily at the front of his shoulder as she walked past him. "I know you heard of those. You gotta mail them in to validate the ceremony."

"I get that part…" said Jackson, turning around to face her. "April hasn't mailed theirs in yet?"

"No. Like I said," she remarked, swirling her cup around and taking a sip before noticing that Jackson was still left dumbfounded. "What?"

"Are you sure though? Did April tell you this? It's not a rumor, is it?" he asked, shifting slightly.

"It's… not a rumor," Jo said, properly weirded out. "And yeah she told me."

"Why'd she tell _you_?"

"Why are you being weird?" she countered cleverly.

She saw his eyes dart away from hers and out of curiosity, decided to give in and supply his odd line of questioning.

"When Alex and I found our papers lying around the house, I called April and asked for her help with the specifics. I'm a little new to this marriage thing and well… she… isn't," said Jo, looking at him. "Sorry. No offense."

"S'okay," he said, pressing his lips together.

"At the same time, she and I had the same deadline to meet so I figured that, you know, she knew everything. She's Kepner the Guideline Geek for God's sake," she laughed fondly and he returned it with some slight amusement of his own. "So I pretty much asked her, _'how'd you do yours?'_ and she was like, _'I didn't mail mine in yet but here are the deets'_. That's all I know," she concluded innocently.

"When was this?"

"A while after the windstorm hit. Alex went back to the hospital and I called her."

"So she could have filed it in by now?"

"I don't know, Jackson. Maybe?" she said tiredly. "When she said she didn't mail hers in yet I just told her not to forget. If she did already, then great," she finished, lifting an arm weakly and slapping it back to her side.

"Yeah. Great."

"What is the matter with you? You're not… Are you…"

"What?"

"Can you like, stop intervening with April's relationships?" she laughed as she took another sip of her coffee.

"I… I'm not… "

"You really have it out for that paramedic, don't you?"

"No! I don't-"

"So what's the plan, Jack? Break in, steal the papers, and tank their marriage a second time?" she teased as her voice started in a singsong. "Still kinda hate you for what you did to Steph but…. I guess I can help you. I mean, we'll have to plan some shit out."

"That is… not the plan. I'm not out to do anything."

"But you want to," she challenged, observing him closely.

He paused to acknowledge the truth in her words. "... I can't."

"Oh my god…"

"What?"

"You… are still in love with Kepner."

"Uhh," he breathed, taking a seat on the sofa. She joined him and he continued uncomfortably. "It's a little too late for that."

Jo's voice lowered in concern. "Since when? Didn't you guys… agree to be just friends or something?" she asked, placing her drink on the table to give him her full attention.

"We're more than friends, Jo," he said, looking at her with a faint and broken smile. "Whether we like it or not."

"Mm. I guess so."

Jackson let out a sigh. "I missed my shot, okay? And I'm supposed to own up to that. The door was open for... a _brief_... moment, and I didn't take it. I was... scared. That it might mean trouble."

"So you let it pass..."

"I let it pass. She uhh… moved out," he said, his honest eyes bright with regret. "… and moved on. So yeah, I'm not allowed to complain about it now."

Jo gave him a sympathetic look with the new information she gleaned about her coworker. They didn't really talk often, but she figured that since he and Alex were buds, she might as well get used to the idea.

"I never even…" began Jackson.

"Never even… what?"

He hesitated for a moment, but soon warmed up to her, too. "She was dying, Jo… _right_ in front of me, and the next thing I know, I'm praying to God saying I'd do anything for her to just… wake up. And when she does…" He swallowed hard. "I never got to tell her what I'd give to see those eyes wake up in front of me every morning again like they used to."

"... because she and Matthew..." she trailed.

"Yeah. She seems happy with him, you know? She's… _in it_. And he deserves to be happy, too."

"And you're just gonna live with that?"

"I have to," he said, patting both hands on his lap before standing up slowly to go waft through whatever was left of his day. "Maybe find some happy, too, along the way."

"Want my two cents?"

"Sure."

"Find someone who can take your angry face away… Kepner did that."

Jackson spent the next three days struggling to get by with business as usual while sitting on the thought of April living on her own in Hunt's trailer in some forsaken forest and that she may or may not be officially married to Matthew.

Jo had offered to ask April herself, but he kept telling both her and himself that he should just assume that the papers were in and try to be healthy about moving on.

Soon enough, it came time for April to pick Harriet up from his apartment and bring her home for the week. She checked in with him through a phone call earlier that day.

"Yeah, I'm still coming over tonight. I just went shopping for some of her essentials and I bought extra to stock you up as well."

"Oh wow, thanks. I was just running out… How do you have the time to do all this?"

"If you haven't already noticed, I'm a pretty organized person, Jackson."

"Trust me, I have," he laughed. "We'll see you tonight then. I'm sure she's excited to see you."

"See ya."

As promised, April arrived that evening. Hearing the doorbell to his unit ring, Jackson swiftly stood up from his couch and opened the door to find her carrying his share of baby supplies.

"Hey, thanks," he said as he took the items from her and motioned to Harriet lying on her crib. "I packed her bag but she fell asleep. She's still a pretty deep sleeper, so I don't think she'll mind if you just snatch her up whenever."

"God, she's cute," said April, after walking over to the crib in the living room to fawn over their daughter while Jackson quickly stocked up the supplies. "We made a really cute kid."

"Sure did," he smiled. "Have you eaten?"

"No, not really. Thought I didn't have the appetite but boy was I wrong."

"I have some food in the fridge," he smirked. "You made me raid your fridge, it's only fair you get to raid mine."

"Yeah, okay. I guess I can stay for a quick bite. Watcha got?"

"Go grab anything you like."

"You're not sure what's in your fridge, are you?" she accused playfully.

"I just know there's food," he said, scratching the back of his head. "But I'm sure it's good," he assured her.

April giggled and proceeded to raid, what was to her standards, a messy fridge in search of some dinner.

"So… Matthew back yet?" asked Jackson.

"Nope. Still out," she said with a muffled voice, her head burrowed into his refrigerator as she began exploring its contents. "He's arriving in a few days. Maybe longer."

"And how have you been?"

"Been _great_ ," she lied with a feigned enthusiasm that didn't go unnoticed by him as she pulled out a salad and some leftover salmon. "I've been fine."

"Hey… it's okay to feel crappy that he's not here."

"I know that now more than ever," she said.

He wasn't quite sure what she meant by that. A selfish little fragment of him was hoping that she was acknowledging how he felt when she left for the army but knew it could have been something else entirely.

"So why not ask him to come back?"

"He needs the time," she said leniently, pulling her meal out of the microwave and wordlessly offering him some, to which he politely declined. "He'll come back when he's ready."

"How are you okay with this?" he asked, shaking his head in disapproval.

"The truth is," she said, looking down at her plate, her long lashes fanning her face and fluttering around. "I'm not. But I feel it might be worth it."

"Do you mind if I ask why he left?" he asked in concern.

She took a while to answer. From that and the fact that she was worrying her bottom lip with her teeth, he gathered that she was taking her time to think about it. Simply, she answered, "Karin."

"Karin," he repeated. "She's…"

"Dead? Yeah, I know. I was there and a small part of me breaks every time I remember. I can't even imagine what _he's_ going through."

"I see. I'm a little confused though. He married you. He told me he wanted to…build a life with you," said Jackson. His eyebrows pulled together as his face grew skeptical - his eyes, protective and severe.

"That's… all true. We may have skipped some steps, but we're working on it… Working on him."

Jackson took a minute to process what she had just said.

"You're... putting him first," he concluded slowly, remembering the fight they had so long ago when he professed the pain of covering for her and putting her needs above his own when she went away.

"Yeah," she said softly.

"That's…"

"Please, I know what you're thinking."

"Oh really?"

"This is different."

"Yeah? What is?"

"You're thinking, _'Good. She finally gets what it's like to get left behind'_ but I know what the real difference is, Jackson."

"Yeah yeah, it was a mutual decision, I get it! You don't have to rub it in."

"No," she said quietly. Soundly. "The real difference is that I left you for a whole damn year with the grief that we were _both_ supposed to share."

It struck him. How introspective she's become after all that she's been through made it almost hurt to see another man benefit from her growth.

"It's only been less than two weeks with Matthew and his grief is his own. I'm already struggling," she admitted bashfully. "And while I know now how much it hurts not being the thing the person you love needs… this isn't halfway close to what I put you through. So yeah, it's still different, so save it."

He took a moment to respond. "Wasn't expecting that."

"I'm not sorry for going out there and getting what I needed to get back on my feet," she affirmed.

"Good. You shouldn't be," he said, pouring them both some orange juice. "Despite me trying to make you feel like you should."

"I _am_ sorry that it hurt you deeply. And that it ruined… us."

He met her eyes for a long time before the split second it took him to realize that his glass was overflowing and they both flinched at the splattered mess before he spoke again. "You never said that before," he said, his eyes still on her as he grabbed a paper towel to clean up.

"Never said what?" she said, grabbing some too as she helped him dry the table.

"That you were sorry. That it hurt me."

"Well, when you almost die in front of all your friends right after a core-shattering crisis… you tend to think about how you've been living your life."

"God, April."

"What?"

"You can't… you can't just say things like that," he said, taking the soaked paper from her and discarding them in the trash bin.

"What? That I almost kicked the bucket or that I was going through a thing?" she asked, grabbing more to dry her now sticky hands.

"Here, come wash your hands," he said, guiding her to the kitchen sink after drying off his damp forearms. "No, I mean the other stuff. The apologies, the realizations..."

"Why? If anything, I thought you'd _want_ to hear it," she said, soon wiping her hands dry, too.

"You have no idea how hard this is for me."

"Yeah? Then why don't you just tell me what's going on instead of lashing out all of a sudden," she argued.

"I shouldn't..."

"Jackson," she sighed, her frustration seeping through.

"I wish it was me!" he blurted out, unsure what would become of him if he never let his feelings see the light of day. He paused and realized that his chest was already puffing with adrenaline. "I wish it was still me."

She raised her brows and opened her mouth to speak but found it difficult to say anything.

"You were wrong about one thing," he breathed. "I wasn't thinking that you got what you deserved when he left you alone. I was thinking that you're out here becoming a better wife to someone else and putting him first… and I wish it was me."

"Montana," she said painfully. "I put you first."

"I _know_ that I missed my chance. Montana was… it was complicated."

"I don't need an explanation, Jackson. Not anymore."

"What was Montana to you?"

"What it was and what I wanted were very different things. You didn't want me…" The hurt in her voice was apparent though she tried to hide it. "So I guess it doesn't even matter anymore."

"I wasn't being fair to you when I kissed you in that hallway. And I am truly, deeply sorry. I was so grateful for you being there that I-"

"Jumped me?" she said it with almost a laugh. "A simple thank you would've done it. You can't just thank me with sex and be on your way, Jackson."

"I know that. And again, I _am_ sorry," he iterated, packing in as much sincerity as he could in the way he looked at her. She said she didn't want an explanation but deep down he knew that she did. "When we got back, it pulled me out of that bed and I remembered just how far we were from being fixed. I chickened out. Thinking of all the fights we'd be opening up again which we never really got past. Minnick, Jordan, religion… I didn't think I had a shot."

"You were the only one who had a shot," she said immediately, as if the sentiment just came out of her of its own accord.

His eyes grew wide with emotion at the thought that their differences or how hard it would be didn't stop her from wanting to try again. But it did stop him, and he wondered just how much that had hurt her for her to finally give that up. His thoughts consumed him until he heard her speak again.

"You think it's easy for me? To hear you talk about God and faith and wishing you were a better husband? You don't think that it crossed my mind?… To wish it was me?"

"I didn't know that's how you felt," his eyes growing teary. "You were always so happy and on-board, and… supportive about it."

"Of course I'd support you," said April, her voice getting rough. "You found something that gave you purpose. Why wouldn't I? It hurt but I..."

"You didn't want me to feel bad about it."

"Yeah," she said. It came in one breath and left her looking tired.

"And I thought _I_ was protecting _you_ ," said Jackson, realizing that this whole time, they were protecting each other. "So you're saying…"

"I'm saying… you're not the only one who knows that timing's a bitch, okay?"

"Why are all our problems resolving themselves now? What's the point?"

"I don't know. All I know is that it only happened when we started living apart."

"So what? We're just better off apart?"

"I don't know," she said, exhaling heavily. "I just wanna be happy, Jackson."

Jackson walked closer to her until they were standing inches away from each other. She braced herself and mustered all the resolve she needed to deny him of what his eyes were asking for. She hadn't gotten a chance to sit or eat the food that had now grown cold and unwanted. She was right about her appetite after all.

"He makes you happy?" he asked, looking down at her gently. Surrendering painfully. Willingly. Lovingly.

She sighed. She didn't even know if she could make _him_ happy. The insecurities she had about not being able to make yet another marriage work flooded through her. "It's just a little messy right now."

"He shouldn't waste you like I did," he said enviously.

"That's for me to worry about," she said finally, patting the side of his arm and backing away.

"Okay... I hope knowing all this doesn't mess things up with you two," he said, tracking her with his eyes.

"Oh, you're probably hoping it does. At least just a little. But thanks for pretending otherwise."

He chuckled at how well she saw through him.

"This conversation should have nothing to do with that conversation," she said, internally struggling with the overwhelming urge to absolutely just go to town and let him have it for popping up with yet another one of his ill-timed epiphonies.

"April," he said as she went check on Harriet. Surprisingly, their conversation didn't rouse her one bit.

"Yeah?" she asked, distracted by both her own thoughts and the sleeping lump she picked up in her arms.

"I really do hope you get your happy."

"My happy's right here."


	11. What Do I Do With Him?

"I can't _believe_ him," April hissed quietly, while swiftly strapping Harriet securely to her little car seat at the back.

They had just come down from Jackson's apartment that night. Their conversation was heavy. The redhead's residual frustration over what had been flushed out from it made the little carrier shake when her hands pulled the straps on tightly, causing Harriet's eyes to flutter open.

"Awww, I'm so sorry to wake you, bug," April whispered. She looked at her daughter as the toddler's eyes sleepily examined her surroundings, wondering how in the world she ended up where she was. Her light bluish-green eyes seemed to spark with recognition though, seeing the familiar parking lot that led to where her father lived.

"Yeah sweetie, we're just leaving Daddy's place. We'll be home in a bit," she said, stroking the little one's soft curly hair. But, April's voice was still troubled despite trying to stay calm. "Sorry for stirring you up. Go back to sleep, my darling."

As though she could understand what April was saying, Harriet shuffled herself comfortably into the cushions of her car seat, slowly closing her eyes and getting ready to sleep through the car ride home.

Being left with no one to talk to, April sighed heavily and plopped herself beside Harriet on the backseat. Feeling the seat bounce made Harriet's eyelids flicker, until April started ranting and they opened up again completely.

"It's just… Daddy's _always_ been the late one. _Always_. Why does he have to take _forever_ to know what the heck it is he wants?" she reasoned argumentatively, quick to remember that she and Jackson have agreed to replace the words _hell_ and _damn_ with _heck_ and _darn_ when they were around their child.

Still barred from sleep, little Harriet turned her head slightly to face her mother, blinking hard until small puffy bags started forming below her widened eyes.

"He just… takes his time. _All the time_ ," she continued, sinking her back comfortably down the seat and netting her fingers together, much like how someone would in a therapy session. She chuckled sardonically and rolled her eyes toward Harriet. "You know what? I think it's a plastic surgeon thing. Bet they just looove standing for hours on end deciding on these _tiny_ little adjustments," she said, her voice high and small at the word. She crossed her legs and rested a hand underneath her head. "Too much of a perfectionist to act or settle on anything! Things always have to be so… _perfect!_ " she exclaimed, kicking one leg to the backside of the front passenger seat.

The sudden movement made Harriet flinch and stare blankly at the dashboard - All hope of falling asleep, lost.

"Now see, what am I supposed to do with what he just told me? Can I do nothing?... I can just do nothing, right?" said April, looking to Harriet for approval. Harriet looked at her cluelessly, looked away, then back again. "Heck yeah I can. Got my own darn problems."

After a while, April centered herself and let out all the air in her lungs. Before returning to the driver's seat, she got on the armrest of her car to sit across her daughter, smiling with her mouth closed. She leaned over to gaze at her little love's brilliant and impossibly smart eyes and grazed a thumb over her soft cheek. "What do I do with him?" she whispered defeatedly.

Without a moment's notice, Harriet's small hands found their way to either side of April's face, and the redhead felt all her insides melt with warmth. Hattie's eyes were all Jackson's, with thick lashes planted around gently piercing orbs. She, too, had faint freckles on her tiny nose and April couldn't help but feel him through her.

April let out a short gasp. "Well that's not fair." Jackson was able to enrapture her through their daughter and she hated that he could do that.

Finally, she bundled Harriet's small hands into her own, breathing them in and kissing them solemnly. "Come on, my Ladybug. Let's go home."

* * *

Jackson was left alone in his apartment. April told him that she was more tired than hungry and that she just wanted to take their daughter home, even turning down his offer to walk them to her car.

"Ugh, I'm an idiot," he said, chomping down on the cold salmon she left on the table. Searching patches of lettuce for some sort of dressing and finding none, he sighed and dropped his fork on the side of his plate. "How the hell does she eat it like this?"

He got off the chair and walked over to the fridge to grab the condiment he was looking for. It took him awhile to find the lemon ranch since it hadn't been in its original spot. That was because April had blazed through the shelves and reorganized everything so fast while they were talking that he didn't even notice. "Of course."

Everything was now in order and arranged far more sensibly. If he hadn't known any better, he would have thought she emptied out half his fridge with how much space was cleared up for him to use.

As he slammed the fridge shut, his eyes closed in on a small packet of photos that he had pinned to its door. He realized that he forgot to hand them to April while he had her there.

"Awww, damn it!" he said, hastily grabbing it and letting the magnet fall to the ground. "Double idiot."

Pulling them out to go over them, he saw the photos he printed of Harriet doing silly things during his turn with her. He shuffled through a few of them: one of her smearing baby food on her face, one of her laughing and fumbling to get out of his T-shirt on the bed, and another of her assaulting him with a toy wand.

He laughed to himself but then soon realized how sad it was that he always had to print two copies for two separate albums in two different homes.

He tucked April's copies back into the packet and went upstairs to fill up his own collection. Skimming through his bookshelf, he ran a finger past some magazines, medical journals, and self-help books until he found the one with 'LADYBUG' playfully printed on its spine.

He added the photos in easily and while looking for the spot it left on the shelf, he found another photo set that he hasn't gone through in a very long time.

 **APRIL & JACKSON**

 **Lake Tahoe, 2014**

He remembered the time he considered throwing it out. Now, he couldn't believe how he ever thought of doing such a thing. Most of their joint possessions, he gave to April after the divorce. But this, she said he should keep with him, saying that he should at least remember a time when they were happy.

Scanning through the album with Harriet's underneath it, he saw the euphoric smiles on both their faces - goofy and giddy over what they had just decided to do together.

He saw how beautiful April looked on that day, and how he looked at her like he was the luckiest man on the planet. Over the years, he's seen her grow from an awkward little thing, grating and petty at times but always good-hearted. He knew her flaws well and could handle her crazy because he also knew that she was kind, loving, and had so much to give. She really did look like a beautiful swan.

Feeling his nose start to sting with the onset of tears, Jackson closed the two books together so he could stow them side by side on his shelf.

"Good night… sweethearts."

* * *

"Good night, sweetheart," whispered April as she planted a soft kiss on Harriet's forehead before setting her down in her crib.

Soon, April's phone rang from her back pocket. It left her quite surprised with who decided to phone in.

"Matthew? Honey?"

"Hi," he said, his voice dorky and apologetic. "This is pretty lame but, I lost my keys. Would you mind opening the door for me?"

"Uhhh yeah sure," she replied, a bit confused. Matthew was a punctual person but she didn't need two day's notice. "Give me a call when you get to Seattle. I'll be sure to have it open for you when you get here."

"Uhm, okay," he said, with some humor behind his words. "Well. I'm here."

"What?" she said, eyes widening as she stepped out of Harriet's room to head down the stairs. "You're _here_?"

"Unless I'm at the wrong address," he joked. "But I doubt that."

"Wait. Like _here_ here? Like _at the door_ here?" she asked, nearing the front door and opening it to find Matthew holding a sleeping Ruby in one arm and his phone with the other.

"Yeah," he said, looking at her, still talking through the phone.

April ended the call and slipped her phone inside her back pocket, still in awe. "You guys are… here early."

Matthew raised his eyebrows high and shot her a nervously geeky grin. It was one of those awkward things he did that she personally found rather endearing.

"Need a hand with that little cutie pie you got there?" she laughed, reaching out and offering to carry Ruby so Matthew could lug in his suitcase and a small duffle bag. "Ohhh, well she's down and out. Let me set her down with Hattie upstairs."

"Thank you, dear," smiled Matthew gratefully. April smiled back and turned around to ascend to the girls' room with Ruby cradled in her arms. Left with this own thoughts, Matthew's face grew anxious.

With the girls tucked in, she and Matthew settled down in the living room to catch up on the days that have passed. She was still trying to wrap her head around the fact that he was finally back.

"You - you're here!" April fumbled, reaching in for a hug.

Meeting her, Matthew enveloped her warmly and his eyes pinched closed with an emotion that was hidden from her from over her shoulder.

"I just really needed to see you," he said, his large frame still hugging her tightly as he tucked his head into the crook of her neck. "And talk to you."

"So then talk to me," she said sweetly, running her hands up his back. It made his kind eyes open and his breath hitch quietly as he felt his heart expand, both with love and immense sorrow over what he was about to do.

"This whole thing," he said, breaking away to look at her deeply. "...It hasn't been fair to you."

"I mean, yeah, the two weeks were pretty hard but…" she said softly, gliding her hands down his arms. "You're here now. Earlier than expected even."

Matthew's mouth went dry. He grew more unsure than ever on how to talk to her about what he had come to realize during their time apart.

"It's... not just the two weeks," he said, and she soon caught on to his wary tone. "April…"

"When you say this whole thing," she inferred, taking a step back. "Do you mean…"

"I don't think I've been fair to you… since the beginning."

She paused to take the thought in. "No," she said finally, shaking her head to reassure him. Maybe to reassure herself even. "You have been good to me, Matthew."

"Not as good as you've been to me."

"There's no award for who does it better!"

"April," he said gently. "I'm supposed to be… taking you out on our honeymoon to some fancy beach, or a plane trip abroad… We should be having mind-blowing sex until our lungs give out and one of us has to trach the other and rush 'em to the nearest ER." She pushed out a short breath of amusement as he continued, his eyes impassioned but fully sad. "We should be spooning the life out of each other and staying up all night thinking about nothing more than being together 'til mornings end… But we're not doing those things."

She saw it. In her mind. It was a beautiful picture he painted. But she, too, knew that it was indeed far from the truth.

"Instead," he went on, "I'm taking trips out of town and feeling relieved that I don't have to drive past my dead wife's favorite coffee shop every morning on my way to work. That I don't have to avoid our favorite food truck just 'cause the guy always asks me if I want to bring home her usual like I always do. That I don't have to be afraid of running into her friends, knowing that they'd talk about her and feel sorry for me."

Matthew shook off the tears that these thoughts started provoking. "I'm _sure_ that I'm doing something wrong," he admitted shakily.

"Then why didn't you tell me that this was how you were feeling all along?" April asked.

"...I wanted to protect you and fix it on my own. You've already done so much."

"Matthew, I don't need to be coddled. I need to know how you're feeling. And… I kinda need to know if you still wanna do this," she asked bravely. "If you think this is a mistake."

Matthew looked to the floor to acknowledge his shortcomings. "Do you believe me… when I say that I really _really_ love you? That, even with all this going on, I really… do."

The past events have left them shaky, but the sincerity in his voice made her want to put her faith in him, like how she was putting her faith in their relationship. "Yes."

"April, you pulled me out of the darkest time of my life… and knowing that you'd been going through something too, boy, I wished you all the happiness in the world. I wanted to be the one to give that to you. Like how you gave me my daughter back."

"I get that... and I don't think it's wrong… For two broken people to have each other."

"I don't think so either. You have… no idea how lucky I was to have you with me through that nightmare. But what have I done for you?"

"Matthew," she said sentimentally. "You made me feel... useful. And good."

"Okay well that sounds really… romantic?" He didn't quite understand her choice of words because she didn't tell him that those were the words that Owen used to get her to sign up for their tour in Jordan. That feeling of being useful and good is what kept her going. It made her feel alive.

"Trust me," she said. "It's a very good thing."

"But is it really enough though?"

"Well, I'll let you do all sorts of things for me if that's what you want," she quipped and he laughed a puff of air through his nose. "But right now, I'm here for _you_."

"God, I don't deserve you," he said, shaking his head.

"Don't you?"

His voice shrunk to a shameful whisper. "You almost died. Because of me, actually, and… and I rushed into it because I almost lost you like I lost her."

"Then… _don't_ rush it. We're not married. We can… take it slow and go back to being-" Then it struck her. Hard. And she said it with defeat. "You can't stay here… can you?"

A dozen possibilities started rushing through her mind. She was good at organizing things. Making them fit. Making them work. She was a resourceful person. But none of her resources seemed to be enough to patch up the dilemma that he already seemed to understand.

"And you can't leave," he said, knowing that he'd never ask her to move away from her daughter even though somehow, that's exactly what he was asking her to do by taking Ruby with him.

"I love her, too, Matthew," she said, tears falling. "I love your little girl."

"I know you do. And she knows it, too. You saved her life. You've been protecting her and caring for her like any real mother would," said Matthew. "It's important you know that."

"But you want to take her away from me."

"No," he said. "It's not that simple. You have a say in this. I just… I just want you to have a say in this."

"So, what?" she said, realizing how difficult a decision it was to make. "Do I just keep you here and have you both? Do I let you go and _lose_ you both? Do I… move with you-"

"No, April, please don't even finish that last one," he cried. "Please don't do that for me."

"I don't know what to do," she sobbed, as her lips shook.

"Do you love me?"

"Yes! Of course!"

"I mean do you love me enough to move far away from co-parenting with Jackson?" he asked, not to test her but to make her see how heavy a change it would entail.

"Well do you love me enough with to stay here without beating yourself up over Karin?" she countered, completely at a loss. "Tell me what to do, Matthew."

They looked at each other for as long as it took for the answer to come. It was make or break for them and they knew it. They took their time examining then reexamining how they felt and how things were supposed to change. There was no clock to catch or time to beat, and nothing was stopping them from spending all evening on it if they had to.

When it clicked, they both felt a wretched stab in their gut with what they had silently agreed on. Matthew went to grab a folder behind the television and April hung her head to the floor and let a teardrop fall on the carpet.

He stood across from her and pulled out their license.

Teary-eyed and all sniffled up, he gave her the document, and with it, the final decision. She ran her fingers across its prints, across their signatures, before looking at him sadly and ripping it in two with a heart-sickening sound. He felt his heart do the same but knew that it wasn't right to keep her waiting until he got better.

"Enough to let you go," she said, ever so reluctantly, and he wrapped her up in his arms as they sobbed into each other's clothes.


	12. Back to Base One

"Sitter hog!" said Meredith, as she flicked some water at Jackson's face while they were scrubbing out on a joint surgery.

"Hey!" he yelled, shooting her a face. "Excuse me?"

"Look, I get that you guys are busy people. But there are two of you… and only one of me," she said, wiping her hands dry with a towel. "I should be able to call my favorite sitter without either of you getting to her first."

"Mer, what the hell are you talking about?" asked Jackson, wearing a puzzled expression.

"The list, Jackson. Bailey's _golden list_ of babysitters. The one I shared with you and April. Benevolently," she emphasized, while pulling off her scrub cap. "Avery, give me back my Melanie."

"Wait… April called for a sitter?"

"Yeah, she beat me by like five minutes," she said.

"Why would she need a sitter, though? She has me," he argued.

"My point exactly!"

Jackson grabbed his phone from his side pocket and started dialing the lovely sitter, Melanie. Within seconds, a cheerful and motherly voice answered the call.

"Evening, Dr. Dad. What can I help you with?"

"Hi, Mel. Did April book you tonight?"

"Yeahp, uh-huh, she did. I'm with your Hattie right now. I just fed her and put her to bed."

"That's great, Mel. Hey, did uhhh… did April mention why she wasn't free?" he pried.

"Hmmm, not really. She called and I happened to have a free night. I assumed you were busy, too, since she almost never calls me when it's her week," said Melanie. Jackson knew for a fact that if anyone called the sitter more often, it was definitely him. "All she said was that she'd be in the baseball field a few blocks from the hospital in case I need her for anything."

"Huh," said Jackson, trying to figure out what that was all about. It was past dinner time and nowhere near a normal time of day to be playing baseball. Something felt off. "Well thanks, Mel."

"No problemo! Enjoy your evening."

"Alright. You too," he said. He put his phone down and turned to Meredith, hoping to smooth things out as quick as possible. "Okay… So yes. Mel is watching Harriet tonight. Let's not pull her out. Just… choose your next pick and her fee is on me, okay?"

"Pfffffine. You put up a good bargain, Avery," said Meredith. By the time she agreed to his offer, Jackson was already turning to walk away. "Hey, where are you headed?"

"Check on April," he called back, before heading down the hall and leaving Meredith confused and a little bit worried.

The ballfield wasn't far from the hospital. A quick change of clothes and a short jog over got him there in no time. Hunt's old trailer was parked by the entrance.

A good sign.

Scanning the place for signs of her, he finally found the little redhead he's been looking for.

For someone who didn't know her body well, it was difficult to recognize her from behind. The steel mesh that lined the fence obstructed his view and the batter's helmet she was wearing was a size too large and blocked most of her head.

Despite these things, he knew it was her.

Only April would be crazy enough to insist on batting against a pitching machine at half past nine in the evening. He sort of felt bad for the guy she probably had to coerce into keeping the place open.

By the looks of it, Jackson knew exactly what was going on. She was venting.

Spewing out big feelings with every hit, he could hear her grumbling with exertion. Her hit rate was quite impressive, too, and he was curious to know just how and when she had gotten into baseball to sport that kind of form. It occurred to him that it might have been sometime between all the years they spent divorced, or maybe even as far back as the tour she served in Jordan. He was sure it was anytime after he had stopped asking about her interests, and the thought of it made him sick.

With the final ball launching itself toward her, she primed herself for one almighty strike and her small frame angrily swung her bat onward with a vocal release. She watched as it forcefully shot the ball across the cage, sending a shockwave through the net that caught it.

It was then that he noticed her grabbing an open bottle of beer on top of a cooler stationed to her side. Soon, an edge of worry fluttered in his stomach. April chugged the remaining half in one straight turn and settled the now empty bottle on the grassy field. Her bat followed soon, and she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. She readied herself to reload the machine, but turned around when she heard him speak.

"Guess Hunt should've played you as our batter against Seattle Pres."

She turned to face him, surprised to find him there.

"Jackson, what are you doing here?"

Opening the cage, he let himself in. "I could ask you the same question."

"If you're worried about Hattie, she's good. I promise," she said reassuringly. When it came to their daughter, there was no second guessing with April. "I called-"

"Melanie? Yeah I know."

"Oh, okay, so you're a private investigator now, too, huh?"

"I'm just trying to…"

He stopped himself to choose his words carefully. He's been here before. He knew that if he'd try to dig and let her know he was worried about her, she'd feel treated like some pathetic little flower who wasn't capable of taking care of herself. Surprisingly enough, she beat him to the punch.

"I know," she said reasonably. He could tell that the beer got her buzzed, but she was still surer than anything. "I know you're trying to help. I know you're checking up on me 'cause you have this weird freaky sense for when something's up." Her fingers danced in the air to make weird gestures. Then she lifted her helmet off her head. The sheen of some sweat was light her forehead and her hair was pulled back in a neat mid ponytail, revealing her clear face.

Even in this modest state, he thought she looked beautiful.

"I know you're worried that I might get wasted and start partying with your interns even if I don't freaking work there anymore. I know you're not trying to pity me or hold me like I'm broken… Okay? I know. It's just… I don't want to feel coddled. Not tonight. I had enough of that," she finished, turning again to head to the ball pile.

"Okay then," he said, and moved toward the cooler.

She stopped to see what he was up to. Jackson opened up the chest and brought out three more bottles of beer.

"What are you doing?"

He opened them, then set two on top of the cooler, while gulping the other one straight down to even the score. Picking up one of the balls from the ground, he tossed it in his hands a couple of times.

"Being your ball boy," he said, grimacing to let off a huge burp and she tried to fight her amusement. "Let the poor field technician go home, April. How'd you get him to stay here anyway?"

"He's a friend. And actually, he went home about an hour ago. Said I could stay as long as I like," she replied, pulling out a set of keys from her back pocket. "For as long as I lock up."

"Oh…" he conceded and changed the topic. "Where'd you learn to bat like that?"

"Seriously, Jackson, can't there be any mystery between us these days?"

"Fine. I'll give you that," he smirked, tossing her the ball.

Catching it and worrying her bottom lip, she held it for three seconds too long before speaking. "We're done."

"What?"

"Matthew and I. We're done. He's gone," she replied, tossing it back.

"You're shitting me."

She stopped herself, realizing that they left themselves at an awkward spot last time they spoke. "Look, I'm sorry. That was inappropriate. After our last conversation… if it looks like I'm leading you on… that's not my game. There is no game. I…"

"Just need someone to talk to?"

"I shouldn't be talking to _you_ about it."

He nodded and thought of what to do. _"Whatever you need. I'm here._ You remember that?" he asked finally, quoting himself from the time they cried together after finding out about Samuel's condition.

"Of course," she said, her eyebrows pained.

"Well then I mean it. I'm not your ex-husband. Not tonight. I'm just… I'm here."

"Still really good at compartmentalizing, I see," she said, grabbing her beer and hugging it to her chest. "He's not over Karin. He probably won't be. Not for a long time."

"He didn't bother to mention that earlier?"

"We were fine, really. We were good. Then he got into this whole out-of-town experience… and his perspective started to change."

"So he broke it off? Just like that?"

"No, not just like that," she said, playing her fingers along the bottle. "It was a-"

"A mutual decision," he scoffed. "You guys have been doing a lot of those lately."

"I thought it would heal him, you know? Going away for a while."

"Like it healed you," he said, and she nodded and looked to the ground.

"I thought that if I waited, my patience would pay off. That I could make it work. I thought he just needed time. I couldn't give what he really needed," she explained. When she caught sight of his skeptical face, she rolled her eyes away from him. "Say it."

"You guys got married pretty fast."

"So did we," she challenged.

"I'm not your ex-husband tonight remember?" he dodged cheekily, as he walked closer to fetch his beer and take a swig.

"It really did feel different this time. We were there for each other. We opened up to each other. We shared our pain. I thought they were signs that we were supposed to be together."

"Did you… guys consider counseling?" he asked half-heartedly.

"Uhh I'm pretty sure I'm traumatized by marriage counselors now."

"Ouch. Same," he said, his own disclaimer starting to bite him in the ass. He played it off as a joke. "It's 'cause they keep telling you to stop having sex, isn't it?"

"The No Sex rule always gets broken anyway."

"Know what, on second thought, I don't really wanna think about you and Matthew doing it," he winced.

She let out an adorable laugh. "Nooo, you do not," she agreed, sipping a long one.

"Wait, so what was it that he really needed?"

"Space. It's painful for him to be here," she said, starting to feel more buzzed. "that'sss… what he realized. When he went away. How much he could breathe outside Seattle. Couldn't fault him even if I tried, the man has the temperament of a labrador retriever."

"So…" he said, pained by the thought of her living out of town. "You considered moving away with him, or?

"Mm," she said, taking one more sip and pressing her lips together. "We both knew I wasn't gonna move away from you and Hattie."

"But do you think it would have worked? If you did move away with him?" He couldn't help but go through the scenario himself. Of her far away, and whether she was giving up a substantial chance with Matthew by deciding to stay.

At this point, he had already gathered a healthy number of balls and loaded them into the machine.

"I don't know. Probably not," she said, her words starting to slur as she replaced her helmet and picked up her bat for another run. She never did have the highest tolerance and he knew that, but he decided to just let her do what she wanted. "I so _desperately_ wanted it to work. I really did. I want… a family," she said, missing the first ball. "… and, and someone to wake up to every morning," she said, missing another. Jackson stopped the machine for a minute to help her reestablish her bearing. "But I think I was holding on longer than I should've. Almost felt like I owed him that much just 'cause I broke his heart when we ran off."

The alcohol started getting the better of Jackson, too, and he tumbled out some words without his permission. "I want those things, too. I… I want them with you," he admitted shamelessly, and he launched another ball her way.

His words caught her by surprise and she flung the ball completely off-course, straight into his right thigh. Not lightly, either.

"Ow! Fuck! Mother of God!" he yelled, quickly turning off the machine and grabbing his leg as he slowly folded onto the ground.

Dropping the bat and helm, she dashed to his side. "Oh my god! I am so sorry!"

"Ow, ow, ow," he yelped, trying to gauge the location of the damage. "You almost hit my dick."

"I know. I'm sorry!" she said, holding his shoulder and resisting the urge to laugh. "You shouldn't say things like that when I'm batting balls!"

"Batting balls. HA. That's rich," he shot back, and his lips started to pull into a laugh, too, before the pain took over. "Arrghh."

"Okay, okay. Up, come on," she said, her disposition, sobering up significantly. "Lemme just lock up and grab the gear real quick. There's a medical bag in my trailer."

Working swiftly, April tidied up the cage as best she could and gathered her things along with the cooler of booze. She locked up the cage for the night and shut off most of the lights, leaving enough open to light their way. Jackson was hopping alongside her, and they finally reached the old trailer by the field.

"Uhm… you need to take off your pants," she said, placing the medical bag next to him on the bed then looking away to give him space. "I'll uhhh, leave you to it."

"April, I… I'm in a bit of pain here," he said. "Could you…"

"Oh... you sure?"

"Come on. You've seen it before," he teased.

"Oh, I get that," she brushed off. "I mean are you sure you wanna ask for help and not suffer alone like you normally do?"

"Please. I don't wanna be a goat right now," he laughed.

"Okay, let's see what we got," she said, feeling her heart pound in her face when she unbuttoned his trousers and stripped his bottom half down to his boxers. "Yeahp. There's definitely some swelling. Big bruise." She cleared her throat and wore the most professional face she had. "Mind if I?"

"Please, go head."

The moment her hands touched his thigh, he felt a tender pain coupled with something else altogether. The position she was at wasn't helping either. She had to crouch herself down on the floor between his legs to get a comfortable view of his injury and it brought back some very steamy imagery from the past. Because of it, his member twitched beneath the fabric.

Against what he was hoping for, she definitely noticed.

"Sorry," he said, his face turning hot.

"It's okay," she peeped, trying hard to focus. "Like you said, I've seen it before."

She quickened her exam but kept it thorough. "Yeah, no breaks. But lemme get you an ice pack to keep the swelling down."

She reached into her freezer to grab the item and double backed to pour herself a hard one to take the edge off.

"Could you pour me one of those?" he asked, and based on the look on his face, he needed it as much as she did.

Handing him the pack in one hand and a shot glass in the other, she bumped her glass with his and they shot them straight down.

They held eye contact for a while and the next thing they knew, they were already letting loose on their fifth round. April's hair was down and Jackson had already shed off his jacket.

Downing the bitter alcohol, they plopped their backs onto the soft bed and stared at the ceiling together.

"You know what, I bet it's a paramedic thing," said Jackson, still icing his bare leg with the pack that has begun to melt.

"Hmm, what is?"

"You know, rushing into things. Always having to be the first one there. Wasting no time. That sorta thing."

"Uh-huh," she said, her intonation falling. "So what, are you saying I jumped into things, too, 'cause I was a trauma surgeon?"

"Hey. I didn't say anything," he said, feigning innocence. "Then again, you always were the early one. And just so you know, you are still a trauma surgeon. A damn good one at that."

"Flattery won't make your leg heal faster."

"You're probably right."

"Ugh. I hate it, but you're probably right, too," she said covering her eyes with both hands. "You know what? This whole thing where people profess their feelings for someone and rush into things just 'cause that someone almost died… It needs to stop. Like right now."

"Huh." He knew he was guilty of the same thing so he sat up to pour another shot. "Want another?"

"Yeah, okay."

"Cheers," he said, giving her the small glass of tequila.

"Cheers, Jackman," she slurred, and put the glass away when she was done with it. "Fuck, I'm drunk."

"You're cursing. You're definitely drunk."

"I don't just curse when I'm drunk," she argued, lying back down and grabbing a pillow to hug.

"I know," he smirked to himself. "So… you're getting a divorce? I know some good lawyers. Although you probably don't need them with all these damn mutual decisions."

"No," she said simply and it made his brows wrinkle. She sat up and he followed her with expectant eyes. "I probably don't need them because I didn't mail in our license."

"Oh I knew it!" he blurted out.

"W-what did you know?"

"Look... I swear I'm not stalking your every move like some… stalker," he said, realizing how much of a creep he's been seeming lately, if the fact that he was still almost half naked in her trailer wasn't any indication. "Jo. She told me."

"Oh… well yeah. Things were already shaky on the get-go," said April, refusing to specify. She let off a sarcastic little chuckle. "You know, before he left, he gave me the final call… handed me our license. I wanted to just… stuff it in an envelope, lick a stamp, and send it off… I wanted… I wanted it bad... But it wasn't right."

"I know," he said and all he yearned for in that moment was to be the one she wanted.

At this point, both their heads were spinning. The light from the field lit some patches of green and spilled through her newly repaired windows. She realized they didn't even bother to pull down the blinds.

She stared outside for a while and he watched as the light outlined the pretty waves of her hair. The freckles on her arms were the same as they've always been, with each one in their proper place.

"Oh, see those butterflies out there?" she said, her mind swimming. "I see two. Maybe three."

Brimming with emotion, it just occurred to him that he was on a field. He was on a field with her. On a field with her, and some butterflies.

"April," he whispered and she turned to face him. He scooted closer to bring his face about an inch away from hers and she let him anyway.

He wanted to say something. Anything. But found that his heart was in his guts. Or his guts were his throat. Or whatever the stupid expression was.

The next moment his lips were grazing hers and she was breathing out a shaky breath that smelled like booze.

The moment after that, they found themselves kissing. Their lips moved slowly and mingled together as they reacquainted themselves with one another. She found herself holding the sides of his face. He felt the feeling of home again when she lightly squeezed his ears between her middle and index fingers, while holding him close.

She moved closer to him, too. Scoffing as she grabbed the wet melted ice pack that was in the way and threw it on the floor, not much caring where it would land. It made him laugh quietly and he buried a hand in her hair to tilt her head and kiss her deeply.

Before now, it seemed silly for him to stay dressed only in a shirt and his boxers.

She lowered her hands to the bottom of his shirt, but hesitated. It took everything. Everything, for her to pull away.

"Wait," she said, catching the kisses he peppered into her mouth until he pulled back, too.

"We don't have to…"

"I just… I don't wanna skip anymore steps," she said, wiping a finger across her bottom lip. "And I wanna think about this. Obviously, I'm pretty hammered," she laughed.

"Yeah, okay sure," he replied, his response hurried. "I understand-"

"I just need a little time to- with everything that's happened- "

"Of course. I totally get it," he smiled.

"I'm sorry about… _that_ ," she said, glancing at the bulge between his legs.

"Don't worry about it. Uhm… do you want me to leave?"

"I could drive you back to the hospital…" she offered, but then realized that dropping him off wasted, injured, and blue-balled wasn't the most dignifying solution. "Or... you can sleep here."

"Yeah?"

"I mean, sure. You're not on-call, are you?"

"No. Definitely not," he said, his heart still beating fast from what they've just done.

"Okay then," she said, a bit flustered. She got up to wash up and change into something more comfortable before hopping back into bed. When she got back, she set a pitcher of water and a glass on the small table near her bed. "Water. For the morning."

"Thank you," he smirked.

She nodded, not quite knowing what to do next. "If you wanna wash up, you can-"

"Oh, thanks. But I didn't bring a..."

"You can use mine," she said, tentatively. "It's not like we didn't just… you know."

"Right," he said. "Okay. I'll be back."

Jackson returned within minutes and took the vacant spot she left for him on the bed. He couldn't help but notice that it was his usual spot, back when they were married.

"Do you wanna… I don't know… cuddle?" he asked.

She chuckled before answering. "Nnnope," she said bluntly, her back facing him. She was apparently oblivious to how much the sight made him want to spoon her from behind.

"Uhm, okay?" he said, feeling teased.

"I won't be able to think straight," she explained, and just like that, his heart fluttered and soared.

"Alright," he smirked. "Do you… want me to put my pants back on?"

"Nah, I know you sleep more comfortably that way."

"Nice of you... Thanks."

"Sure thing," said April, looking around the room for no apparent reason. Her thoughts were all over the place. "Jackson..."

"Yeah?"

She took a breath. It seemed like she wanted to say something serious but opted against it. "You jerked off in my bathroom, didn't you?"

"I couldn't help it," he yawned. "It hurt."

"Unbelievable." The alcohol started to make her drowsy and she sleepily closed her eyes.

"So you were looking?"

Caught red-handed, a light smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. "Shut up..."

"Mmkay."

"Good night."

"Good night," he said softly, still facing the back of her head and hoping it was right for him to want to get used to the view.


	13. I'm Still an Animal

_Ow_.

 _God, my head hurts._

 _What the…_

There was a hand resting on April's waist. She slowly looked over to the other side of the bed and saw Jackson sleeping right next to her - a good healthy half foot of space left between them.

 _Crap, so that wasn't a dream. I made out with my ex-husband last night._

 _Did we…_

She took a peep under the covers and saw that she was still fully dressed in her sleepwear.

 _Unlikely._

She looked at him again and noticed that he wore that same satisfied face that he usually brought to sleep with him after a passionate night of lovemaking.

 _UNLIKELY_ , she insisted.

It was early. On top of the raging headache, her mouth was dry.

 _Ugh. Water_ …

The room was a haze but she was able to pinpoint the pitcher of water she'd set up for them before they went to bed.

 _Who put that there?_

 _God bless you. Whoever you are._

April got up and draped the rest of her blanket over Jackson. He was a large man and some parts of his body were left uncovered. He responded with a cozy hum as he cuddled into the sheet and seeing him do that made her lips press into a tiny expression of delight.

The mood boost was short-lived, however, as her hangover pounded right back into her skull the moment she got onto her feet.

April stumbled over to the small water station and downed two full glasses, then filled it up for him for when he woke up.

Her head was still throbbing as it tried to piece together the entirety of what happened the night before.

One thing was for sure. Kissing. A lot of it. With tongue. It was hard to forget. What happened after was a blur.

What _wasn't_ a blur was him telling her that he wanted to be with her, and the thought made her spin out so violently that she didn't notice him stir.

"Morning," said Jackson, his voice as light as a feather.

"Oh. Hi," she stammered, holding his sleepy gaze. The last time they slept in the same bed was in Montana, and sleep was hardly the right word for what they were up to that night. "Uhm… Sleep well?"

"Like a baby," he croaked, sitting up and rubbing an eye with one hand.

"Jackson, did we…"

"Have sex last night?" he finished, and it made her blush profusely. She gave a small nod and her long lashes framed wide, curious eyes. "No. We were about to… But no."

"Okay," she managed to breathe out, still trying to screw her head back on.

"You uhh..." he began, blinking hard before scanning the room for his trousers. It reminded her of the way Harriet woke up. They were very similar in that regard. She spotted his pants before he did and she tossed them over his way. He thanked her with a glint in his eyes and he continued his thought while buckling his pants back on. "You said you needed time. And I respect that. You've... been through a lot."

"Yyyeah, I…" She comfortably took the spot across him on the bed. He watched her intently as she folded a leg underneath her and let the other one swing to the side of the mattress. She nervously slid her palms together and looked him square in the eye. "I hope you don't think that I see you as… some kind of fallback. I would _never_ … use you to get over what I'd lost."

The morning was golden and he looked at her, wondering how on earth anyone could pull off _confused and hungover_ so well. Her eyes gently mirrored the sun with rich, earthy undertones and her hair seemed to always fall so naturally whenever she woke up. With her lips parted slightly and all her dainty features as delicate as the little flower she refuses to be compared to, she was a vision to behold.

"I know that," he said. "April, I also know… that I'm not sorry I kissed you. And that I meant what I said."

She seeped in two lungs' worth of air and the words that rode the current of her breath out took him to heaven and back. "I think I'm still in love with you," she whispered and it came out all at once and so free of will that it made her own breath hitch to hear herself say it to his face.

He froze, his eyes so strained with his feelings that he had to blink fast to reel them all in.

"But… like I said, I don't think I'm ready," she continued, her voice still hushed. "And I'm not gonna take for granted this time that you're just gonna wait for me until I am… so you don't have to."

"You have no idea how much I want to wait for you… this time," said Jackson, and his head hung in all his compounded regret. "How much I want to put some faith in us again… Because I _know_ I'm still in love with you."

Overwhelmed, she trapped a confounded gasp in her throat as she tried to let it sink in. "Who are you?"

"Just… Someone you changed."

April drove Jackson back to Grey Sloan that morning. What they had told each other prior to leaving the field sobered her up enough not to crash them into oncoming traffic. Apart from an awkward encounter with Owen Hunt and having to explain why Jackson was limping, why he wore the same clothes from yesterday, and why she had him with her in the army vet's old trailer, she was able to drop him off without a hitch.

"I guess I'll see you when I see you," said Jackson, shoving his hands into his pockets and looking a little sullen.

"We'll see each other when we trade off with Hattie, Jackson, this isn't goodbye."

"I know," he said, still giving her the heart-melting look that drove her wild.

"Do you wanna…"

Before she could finish her sentence, he wrapped her up in a hug that told her that whatever she'd choose, they were going to be alright.

* * *

 _One month later…_

Almost a month has passed since they've spent the night at the baseball field. Their normal schedule with Harriet didn't change other than Jackson not wanting there to be a schedule at all. That he wanted to be with April and Harriet under one roof, he kept to himself, mostly because he was resolute on giving her the time and space she needed.

April was still working with the homeless communities, acquiring government funding and training non-profit medical teams to serve the needy. In the meantime, he's been occupying himself with reviving his spray-on skin graft protocol, and so far, it's been receiving widespread anticipation throughout the hospital.

But he thought about April all the time. How was she coping? Was she doing alright? Was she off dating some hot young volunteer in search of something far less complicated?

"You look… different," said Alex, his eyebrows knotted together in classic Karev fashion as he called out his friend for being recently off-kilter.

"What are you talking about?" asked Jackson, snapping out of his thought spiral.

"Distracted. That's the word," said Alex, waving a condescending finger at him over the cafeteria table. "I can't have that around here."

"I'm developing a new protocol for your burn patients and you think I'm distracted? Still can't believe you're chief," he teased as he picked up another bite of food.

"You should be used to it by now, Prettyboy," cackled Alex, as he chucked in another mouthful of pasta, then checked the cleanliness of his tie as an afterthought.

"You know you're probably the only chief who eats lunch in the cafeteria?"

"Whatever. It's spaghetti day."

Jackson laughed to himself at the thought of how far Alex has come. Really, how far they've all come. They were light years away from the wide-eyed residents who would stomp on each other for the chance at more surgeries. Now that they were top tier, things were different, yet some things never changed.

"You'll always be Karev to me, buddy."

Before Alex could come up with a snide remark, their banter was interrupted by Hunt passing by them in a hurry.

"Karev! Avery!" roared the trauma surgeon. He seemed to have abandoned his lunch for something very urgent.

"See! _He_ still calls you Karev," piped Jackson.

"Come down to the ER with me," said Owen, firmly patting both their shoulders before dashing onward with an air of excitement. "You're gonna wanna see this."

"Since when was Hunt so pumped?" barked Alex, disappointed to have to part ways with his cheap, beloved pasta dish.

"Especially you, Avery!" called out Hunt.

Soon, the two surgeons were jogging not too far behind from Owen as they followed him to the pit. As the elevator doors opened, they hurried into the bustling floor to see what all the fuss was about.

"No freaking way!" cheered Alex as they stopped in their tracks to get a full view of the busy ER. There was so much going on in front of them that it took Jackson a second longer to realize what got Alex and Hunt so hyped up.

Parked outside the ambulance bay was a lumber truck that brought in three patients, all of whom, were triaged with makeshift splints, ripped up T-shirts, and some climbing rope. They had deep cuts and heavy bruises around their bodies and had suffered multiple fractures in their limbs. Thin tree branches protruded out from one patient's chest cavity while the other two were held still by short logs, small boulders, and wooden panels.

And then there _she_ was - the redhead he's been pining over, dressed in hiking gear and mounted on a gurney while holding down some guy's leg to stop him from bleeding out.

"Three rock climbers, multiple trauma sustained from a joint 30-foot fall into some underlying foliage," recited April as a fleet of residents rushed to her aid.

"She... triaged all of them," Jackson said aloud beside Hunt, his eyes astonished at the sight before him.

"Hell yeah she did," smiled Owen proudly. He then quickly ran up to his former right hand's side to get her full report.

"Patient one: upper chest penetrations, radial and ulnar shaft fractures. Patient two: stabilized spinal fracture, multiple contusions, lost consciousness in the field. And this one, Patient three: open femur fracture, stabilized pelvic, severe laceration, and abdominal bleeding. I got my hand on his femoral."

"She's like… three paramedics in one," said one of the residents, and the rest of them were left rattled as they fumbled to meet her pace.

"Hey! You heard her! Come on people, keep up!" demanded Alex.

"Alright, get all of their vitals, page cardio, neuro, and get some of the ortho guys in here, too." Hunt ordered.

Within moments, Amelia Shepherd was on the floor beside Jackson. "Heard Kepner was here," she said and scanned the scene until she found April, who was still atop a gurney surrounded by Hunt and Karev. "Damn, girl."

"You were paged?" Jackson asked her.

"Yeah, spinal consult. I gotta go." And with that, Amelia was off to the trauma room where the second patient was being held.

Just when she left, a resident came to find Jackson for a plastics consult on the third patient and he joined the group where April was.

"No paramedics?" asked Alex, as they rolled into a trauma room.

"More like no cell service," said Hunt, as he motioned a resident to roll off the tree branch patient to the adjacent room for Teddy to assess. "Would've taken them more than an hour to get there anyway on difficult terrain. April called on route to the hospital."

"Yeah, copter wasn't the best bet either. Place was pretty wooded and it couldn't carry all of them," said April. "I lucked out with the truck. Solid suspension. Did the trick."

"Kepner, you realize you just did the work of about three people in less than half the time?" said Owen, inspecting the fractures that were stabilized. "Pulled a total MacGyver on this."

"Well, the truck guys did all the lifting. We have them to thank," she said, then finally, a small streak of pride graced her face. "... but pretty good, huh?" Owen gave her a knowing smirk and proceeded with the ultrasound.

"Where's the party?" smiled Link as he entered the room. "Ooo, that's a nasty femur. Best to keep that pressure there 'til we dig in."

"Well we are digging in. Blood's piling up. Upper left quadrant. We gotta open him up."

"Yeah this lac is pretty deep, too," said Jackson as he examined the patient's arm. He stole a glance at April and found that her eyes were already on him and she looked away. He tore his gaze away from her to complete his assessment. "We could do… all three at the same time. Arm lac, laparotomy, ortho on the leg and pelvis."

"Sounds like a plan," said Link, then he looked to April. "You… look gorgeous just like that, but you can hop off now. Off-duty paramedic? Pretty impressive work."

Jackson felt like he swallowed one of the boulders from the ER. Link was hitting on April. Heavily. And he thought he might was well correct him on his little assumption until Owen beat him to it.

"Actually, Dr. Kepner here used to work at Grey Sloan. She ran the ER with me."

"Ahhh, trauma chick. I dig it. You guys are hardcore. I think _this_ ," said Link, gesturing at the work she's done. "is proof of that."

"We've booked OR 3," said Nico Kim, who Link mentioned would be joining them to repair the patient's pelvis.

In a fluid motion, April hopped off the gurney as Hunt replaced his hand to where hers had been. With a longing gaze glued to the patient, she stepped away from the bed slowly. It wasn't missed by Jackson nor was it missed by Alex because they both knew _exactly_ what staring into a bloodied up leg with its bone sticking out meant.

"Kepner, why don't you take the lap?" said Alex. "You know, for old times sake."

"Me? I don't even work here," she laughed. "I don't even work as a surgeon anymore!"

"I'm giving you privileges," said Alex in the most lax and casual tone that was possible. "I trust you won't hack him in two."

April took a millisecond to feel her heart warmed by the fact that Alex of all people, willingly placed his trust in her surgical skills despite her being out of the game for an extended period of time.

"Alex Karev giving me privileges," said April. "What happened to you?"

"Just take the privileges, Kepner," said Alex, trying to shake off her mushy conjectures. To her relief, that sounded more like Alex and not like some alien parasite that took over his body and filled it with kindness.

"I like him as chief," April told Hunt, and he smiled at her comment dipped in bias.

Kicking out the lock to the bed rollers, the team wheeled their patient up to be prepped in the OR that awaited them.

"So, trauma surgeon," said Link, who quickly took the spot beside April by the sink. They were lined to scrub in first since the patient's most severe injuries were within their specialties. "I'm Link."

"April," she said easily.

"Are you military?"

"Eeehh, sort of. Not really," said April. "Served as a medic in Jordan. How'd you…"

"Just an air about you. I feel like I know you already."

"Oh really? How so?"

"I can tell you have the hots for Avery, for one," said Link, and she blushed under her mask. "I get it. He's a real looker."

"He's my ex-husband," she laughed, shaking water off her hands, and she could tell that Link drew a look of surprise under his mask.

"So was _that_ why you kept looking at him?" he fired back.

"It's… complicated," she said politely and she motioned him onward. "Let's get in there."

While Link and April started the procedure, Jackson and Nico came in shortly after. The arm Jackson was working on was opposite from where April stood, placing them right across each other. Meanwhile, Nico was stationed beside Jackson.

"You've been avoiding me," teased Jackson, his aqua green eyes a presence over his mask.

She looked back down to the surgical field and dabbed the man's belly with betadine. "Oh, sorry about that. Was a bit preoccupied hauling rock climbers into the ER." She then reached out a hand to her scrub nurse. "10 blade."

"Feels good, doesn't it?" said Jackson, and she wasn't sure if he meant it, but his voice came off so smooth and seductive that she considered gagging him with a lap pad just so she could concentrate. She's heard him say those words like that before, but during a different sort of activity.

"Okay, I see the problem," she said, feeling her way in. "Bleeder by the spleen. How're the fractures?"

"Just patching up the busted artery you held down earlier. Then the femur after," said Link.

"Pelvis is intact with a small break. Easy fix," said Nico.

"Good. How's that arm?" she asked, looking to Jackson.

"This laceration is massive," he replied. "Irrigation please."

"So Hattie's just in daycare?" she asked.

"Yeah. You should come visit her after."

"Oh!" exclaimed Link. And everyone turned to face him, thinking that he figured something out with the leg. "So _you're_ Harriet's mom."

"Guilty," peeped April.

"Not to seem rude for noticing, but you look _great_ for someone who's had a kid, I would have never guessed," said Link and Jackson cleared something in his throat. "Must have been one of those easy breezy deliveries."

April laughed a sweet one. "Far from it, actually."

With his heartstrings tugged by the reminder of what she had to go through to save their daughter's life at childbirth, Jackson looked at her with an admiration and gratitude reserved only for the mother of his children.

"Did you see it happen? The fall?" asked Jackson.

"Yeah! I was hiking along the trail and heard this awful crash," said April. "Two of them hit the ground, and luckily, the tree broke their fall. The other one I had to cut out of a small branch with a pocketknife."

"So hardcore," smiled Link and Nico nodded in agreement.

"Incredible," said Jackson. "It's like you were called."

"Called?" asked April.

"By your best bud. Jesus. Or the universe," he clarified. "I think you were out there for a reason and these people were lucky to have you save their lives."

"Here we go again," said Link.

"Why? What is it?" asked April.

"Mr. Epiphany here has been like this for a while now," said Nico in his deep baritone voice. "He's been going on and on about how everything happens for a reason, and how humans have this profound calling that fits in the greater scheme of things."

Jackson rolled his eyes silently to brush off the playful teasing they've taken to him. It was true that the ortho guys have heard enough about him coming through with these sorts of realizations. It didn't make it any less real for him.

"Well I think it's… brave," said April. "To open yourself up to something you were closed off to before."

"'Cause maybe something amazing can happen if you take that chance?" Jackson filled in for her hopefully, and the two ortho guys looked at each other to underline their point.

"Yeah," said April, her eyelids flickering.

Shattering the moment, the monitor started to beep frantically.

"BP's dropping," said one of the scrub nurses.

"Hm, my field is clear. I finished my repair," said April, inspecting the open cavity and finding no new pockets of blood.

"So is mine," said Jackson, halting his stitch to reexamine the wound.

"I don't see any bleeding here," said Link, checking the artery that he already patched up.

"The trauma to his leg could have weakened the wall at other places and it might have ruptured. Do you see swelling higher up? The BP drop is low so it might just be a branch."

"Yeah! I got it," said Link, making a small incision and clipping the ruptured branch. "I'm not liking this femur though, it's been out for too long,"

"I can do the branch repair," said April a little too hurriedly. "Abdomen's clear and I just have to close. I'll be quick."

"Ohhh, look at you being a surgery junkie," teased Jackson.

"Pshhh," denied April. "Am not."

"You can say it, you know."

"Say what?"

"That you miss surgery."

She smiled under her mask and gave in. "Okay, fine. I miss it. I… didn't really know how much until now," she said but the look she gave him told him that she wasn't just talking about surgery.

In no time, she finished the branch repair and was already suturing up.

"That was… speedy," said Link.

"Was that a… plastics technique you just used?" asked Jackson, finding the idea of April repurposing tricks from his specialty oddly attractive.

"Maybe," she said, returning to the business of closing up with the laparotomy.

"You skipped some steps though," Jackson pointed out.

"I know. Didn't need 'em. It ended up exactly how it was supposed to be," she defended.

"Ahhh, so you're open to skipping steps now?"

She rolled her eyes and dodged his trap question by changing gears. "Dr. Kim, I heard you like to DJ during surgery."

"Heard right," smiled Nico, and he reached for the remote encased in a ziplock bag.

He put on a lively tune, and they all started nodding their heads to the beat.

"I like this. What's the name of the song?" asked Link.

"It's called Animal by Miike Snow," said Nico, still nodding his head.

April breezed through the closure easily enough, while Jackson was about done with his, too, but she stopped in the middle of one of her final ties and hung her head when she heard some lyrics that hit a little too close to home.

 _There was a time when my world was filled with darkness_

 _And I stopped dreaming now I'm supposed to fill it up with something_

Seeing this, Jackson moved his hand in to assist with the tie and the whole thing came together fluidly in one elegant motion as the thread of prolene danced seemlessly between her fingers and his.

In the short moment it took for them to complete the tie, she slowly lifted her gaze from the surgical field and they locked eyes.

 _In your eyes, I see the eyes of somebody I knew before… long ago_

Their heart rates started hammering inside their chests, and they lingered long enough to take each other in for who they've grown to be after all this time.

 _But I'm still trying to make my mind up. Am I free or am I tied up?_

* * *

The door to a nearby on-call room opened inward and quickly slammed itself shut as the chorus of Nico Kim's song rang loudly through their heads. She locked the door behind her while their lips moved and slid hungrily against each other, only breaking apart when she hurriedly stripped off the navy blue scrub top she's only been wearing for a handful of hours.

Her hands found their way back to either side of his head as they continued to kiss, and he lifted her up so that her legs were wrapped around his waist.

He pressed her against the thin hospital wall and she groaned out a rough and sexy "urgh" when the back of her head hit the surface with a gentle thud.

"We'll talk about this, right?" he asked in between kisses.

"Yeah, definitely," she responded. "Yup, we'll talk."

"Later?"

"Later."

He gave her ass a firm little squeeze which produced a delectable moan from her before letting her feet touch the ground again, only to lift her arms and pin them over her head. He moved his head to hers again as he kissed her deeply against the wall, then started trailing down to her jaw. She tilted her neck to the side to let him in and he pushed her soft wavy hair to one side. His lips found her smooth delicate pulse point, which was sensitive to all kinds of treatment that his tongue and lips knew all too well how to administer.

"Fuck, you're gonna make me come just by doing that," she moaned.

"I don't wanna _just_ be doing this," he whispered against her ear, nibbling her lobe while he was there.

Finally regaining control of her arms, she gently passed her fingernails along his closely shaven scalp as he finished up with a long, tonguey french kiss on her neck. She quite liked the fact that his beard was starting to grow out some.

Willing herself to put some space between them, she took the bottom of his scrub top in her hands and pulled it off without any of the hesitation she had from when they made out in the trailer.

"Take your pants off," she ordered.

He did as she said, and she sank down to her knees, noticing while she was there that a tiny mark was still visible on his upper thigh from the injury she had caused him at the baseball field. She lovingly placed gentle kisses on the small bruise before proceeding with anything else, and he felt his heart burst with love and affection.

"Let's get these off, too," she whispered, as she kissed his bulge and brought his gartered boxers lower and lower until it was low enough for him to easily kick them off.

"I am _so_ getting back at you for this," he muttered playfully, his head leaning back and his eyes rolling up at feeling of her hand around him.

"Ssshhhhh," she said, her lips already so close to his tip that her warm breath was on it. "It's not a competition."

With that, her tongue was circling his sensitive tip and running up and down his slit in wet slippery strokes, both from her mouth or from the precum that had started dripping out as his penis twitched with pleasure.

"Arrghhh, fuck," he cursed, burying a hand in her hair. "God, April."

"Are you gonna last if I keep going?"

"No. I'm sure I won't. And I wanna be inside you when it happens."

"I'd like that, too," she said, pulling her mouth away with a final pop. She folded her arms along her back to unclasp her bra and placed his dick inside her cleavage and slid it down her sternum to tease him on her way back up, playing with his balls as she went along.

"Jesus fucking Christ," he breathed.

He helped her up and got her nipples in his mouth as soon as he could, switching now and again and tasting himself on her every time his tongue traversed the middle of her chest.

"Ohhhhh," she moaned. "Shit, that feels so… so…"

"Yeah?" he moaned, flicking his tongue up and down the peaks of her breasts.

"Uuhhhhh so good," she sobbed, grabbing his head tighter. "Mmnn, Jackson."

Soon, his mouth was on hers again. They both wanted to kiss each other so badly and so openly that their open mouths lazily sparred with each other for a while until she sinfully flicked her tongue under his. It made him engulf her in a kiss so passionate that they both breathed in all the air they could before holding it in while they tried to tell each other things they couldn't say with words. When they let the breath out in unison, their foreheads touched for a moment before she spoke.

"I wanna be close to you again."

She turned around and pressed her back flush to his chest, overlapping her hands on top of his and lacing their fingers together before guiding him to cup her breasts from behind. He tenderly kissed her shoulder as she lifted an arm to hold the back of his neck from behind her, leaving his hands where they were.

She could feel his erection twitching against her ass and all she wanted was that ass to be bare while his dick did that. Almost like reading her mind, he quickly pulled down her scrub pants and her underwear in one fell swoop and returned to his position behind her, not leaving her back cold for long. She kicked the pile as far as she could and felt him kiss her shoulder again, then her cheek, then his hand on one breast, then the other below her waist and into her intimacy.

"Jackson, I want you in me."

Touching and rubbing her hot wet slippery center, he knew that much was true. "Ohh I want to be inside you so bad," he whispered, still nibbling on her ear and massaging her breast.

He stroked himself a few times before pushing inside her from behind and they gasped and groaned at the same time, feeling each other again for the umpteenth time, while knowing that they'd never get tired of how good it felt.

Surprising him yet again, she danced her hips downward in a soft, sensual motion while still holding onto the back of his neck, their bodies still glued together. It made his dick push deeper inside her, and forced him to dance along and lower himself to keep up.

"What you're doing is so fucking hot," he groaned.

"You like it?"

"Yeah."

Without a hint, she rode her body back up, leaving him pulled out almost halfway and wanting to follow her up so badly that he scooped his pelvis against her ass and buried himself all the way.

"Shit!" she shrieked, and she moved her body forward to rest her hands against the wall, urging him to pound into her. "Please."

He kissed her spine from the bottom up and started thrusting. "Is that good? God, you feel so good."

"Yeah, just like that," she whimpered. "Fuck right there. Keep going."

He started thrusting faster until wet slapping sounds started to fill the room along with conjoined hums and moans of pleasure.

As they started getting close, Jackson pulled out and lifted her up like he did moments ago, like he did years ago, causing her to squeak as she kissed him deliciously before he deposited her gently on the bed. "I wanna see you when you come," he said, lying on top of her and entering her again.

"Mmmmmn," she moaned. "I wanna see you, too."

"God, you're still so tight," he said, starting slow. "April…"

"Hmmm?" she hummed, eyes closed and distracted by the fact that his lips were on her neck again.

"Can I take you out?" he asked sweetly, like they weren't naked in an on-call room and having sex. "Have dinner with me."

"Jackson are you… asking me out?"

He nodded while still buried in her neck.

"While you're inside me and we're having sex?!"

"I just…" he started, then looked down to the place where his body was connected and moving with hers. "I thought we were gonna follow the steps."

"Oh I think we already skipped a few," she said, using her hips to convince him to keep moving.

"I guess so," he said. "How 'bout we start fresh after this?"

"Sounds good," she agreed, then grabbed two handfuls of his ass to convince him further. "Now please. Don't stop."

That was all the directive he needed. Picking up the pace, he started thrusting faster while pulling one breast into his mouth.

"You close?" he asked.

"Yeah," she panted. "Oh God, yeah."

"So am I," he grunted. "Fuck."

Feeling his release coming soon, he slipped a hand between them and started rubbing her clit.

"Oh fffffuck," she moaned as she started to freeze and stiffen up. "Ohhhhh, I'm coming... Jacksooooon."

"Yeah?" he moaned, thrusting faster.

"I wanna feel you come inside me," she sobbed and hearing that gave him no other choice but to burst a hot stream of himself inside her body. He felt her insides pulsate and contract around him as they rode it out together.

They stayed like that for a while, still joined and panting their heads off while their fluids mixed together. When he finally pulled out, those fluids started to leak out from her entrance and they moaned together at the feeling.

"Wow. That was…"

"It was..." she said. "God, I missed that."

"Feels good, doesn't it?" he teased. Apparently he was aware of what he was doing to her in the OR.

She laughed and threw a pillow straight to his face. "Ugh, I knew you did that on purpose! So not cool."

"So…" he said, his weight still on top of her. "Dinner?"

"Hmmm," she pondered adorably before agreeing cooly. "Okay."

"So it's a date then?" he smiled.

"It's a date," she affirmed, playing with his ear.

He pecked on her on the mouth softly and asked, "Wanna… go visit Hattie together?"

"I think I'll wanna scrub before I hold our child, Jackson, or I'll feel gross."

"She won't care what we just did," he teased.

"Well I care! We did… filthy things."

"You should hold that thought, 'cause I'm about to do filthier things."

"Oh yeah?" she challenged.

"Yeah," he said, kissing his way down her body.

"What happened to starting fresh?"

"Let's start… after."

He told her that he would get back at her for earlier and he was going to be sure that he did.


	14. We're Doing It

"How do I look?" asked April, smoothing down her scrubs as she and Jackson got dressed by the door of the on-call room where they left their clothes.

"All sexed up," smirked Jackson, noting her slightly messy hair and the pink sex flush that hasn't faded from her chest just yet. It earned him a pointed look that softened when he moved in to take her hips in his hands. "I really miss you in these scrubs though."

"Do you though? Didn't seem like it a second ago," she teased, and her soft lacy tone made him bite his lower lip and play with the dip of her waist, causing her to shift herself closer to him.

"Well if I'm being honest…" he said, kissing her nose and then the top of her cheekbone. "You look like you didn't just come from a hike, and a kickass rescue mission on top of that. You still smell really nice. How do you do that?"

"I wasn't hiking for long before the accident," she said, raising her eyes to the ceiling in a matter-of-fact-like fashion before centering her view back to him. "We better get out there."

"Yeah, okay," he said, his face following hers as she slowly backed up a step or two.

"Okay," she echoed before she felt the door touch her back. Her eyes switched between his eyes and his lips and it gave him the clue he needed. His lips descended on hers in a long and steady open mouthed kiss that had their tongues touching warmly. April finally broke away in an attempt to regain her original train of thought, but found it all the while a difficult task. "Mmmm, I'm serious."

"Yeah I know," he whispered almost sarcastically against her lips. At that moment, his pager went off and his forehead sunk down to the nook of her shoulder. Willing himself to do his job, Jackson let off a short and helpless whine before peeping out from his safe little hiding place to check on the page. "Ugh. Karev. Wants me in his office in 10.

"Duty calls," she laughed mockingly. "Will you be long?"

"Probably not."

"Meet me at daycare," she offered confidently, and he felt his spirit lift and his head rise with it as he looked at his ex-wife, whom he just had hot dirty sex with in an on-call room, as she offered to wait up for him so they could spend some time with their daughter together.

"I'd like that a lot."

"Do you wanna go first?" she asked, unlocking the door behind her back without having or wanting to look at what her fingers were doing.

"Hmmm, you think it's best we keep this under wraps for now?" he inquired tentatively.

"Yeah. Probably better that way," she replied.

"Agreed."

"Now go," she said, widening her eyes playfully and slapping his butt on his way out. "Get outta here."

Jackson chuckled and slipped past the door to the small room where he left April to exit after him in a few minutes' time. He gently closed the door, only to flinch hard at the sight of Alex standing right in front of him.

"Holy shit. That was YOU in there?" asked Alex, as the corner of his upper lip lifted in disgust.

"Uhmm… you paged me?" asked Jackson, trying to swerve the topic a hard left upon the spine-cringing realization that the sound of their activities may have halted the peds surgeon on his way to his office.

"Yeah I…" trailed Alex, craning his neck to see if he could figure out who Jackson was pleasuring in the on-call room. "... just needed you to approve some… Who?-"

"No one," said Jackson, cutting Alex off.

Alex creased his brows in bewilderment before shaking it off to resume his business. "You know what, fine. I don't care who you've been fucking in the hospital, alright? Just keep it down, would ya?"

"Absolutely. Thanks, buddy," said Jackson, trying his best to walk Alex as far away from the room as possible.

"And it better not be an intern unless you wanna embarrass your ass in front of HR for having to declare that shit."

Jackson nodded and faked an interest in the folder that Alex was holding, hoping it would prevent the man from wanting to look behind them. "You have some things for me to sign?"

They were almost a hall's length away from the room when Alex was able to sift through the sloppy pile of paperwork mid-walk and find the documents he was looking for. "Yeah, some new budget requests and-"

At that moment, the door to the on-call room swung open, and Alex turned around to see April glide silently out of it. His eyes shot wide open with surprise and before April had a chance to turn her head their way, Jackson practically tackled him into the empty patient room beside them.

"Kepner?!" exclaimed Alex, his voice a little too loud for Jackson's liking.

"SHHHH!" hissed the plastic surgeon, his eyes flaring up, too, as he spoke through gritted teeth. "Just… shush."

"What have you done, Avery?" said Alex, his voice low and grave like the cops might barge in at any moment and arrest his friend. "She's freakin' married!" he shouted in a whisper.

"No… she's not," said Jackson, shutting his eyes at the memory of April batting tipsy at the baseball field over her failed relationship with Matthew. "And I know what you're thinking."

"You homewrecker!"

"It's not like that! Her and I now… this had nothing to do with them ending it."

"What the hell happened with Male Kepner then?"

Jackson shoulders tensed up. "He left her."

Alex's face changed instantly to that of an enraged bull priming itself to charge at something. "I'm gonna fuckin' kill him."

"No. You're not," said Jackson, a little surprised to see Alex so protective of April. He sighed and decided that the details weren't completely relevant at this point. "It's a long story."

"So you two are screwin' around again?" asked Alex, dialing it down and doing his best to sound like a supportive male friend.

"We're _not_ just screwing around. At least I hope not," said Jackson, and he felt more nervous saying it out loud than he ever thought he'd be. "I asked her out." He was struggling not to sound like some lovestruck teenager and was failing miserably. "She's… different. And, and also the same. And I don't know whether I'm a dumbass for thinking I've got a shot with her again or for letting her go in the first place."

"Could be both," jabbed Alex, pushing up his bottom lip. He, too, was failing at his task of sounding supportive but ended up surfacing something that Jackson would eventually consider carefully. "I'm confused. Are ya into her 'cause she's changed or 'cause you missed the stuff that's still the same?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean. Is your dick popping your jeans for her only now that she's a far cry from the chick you divorced, dumbass."

"That's not… no, of course not," he stammered defensively as his brows bunched together. "I don't want her back just 'cause she's... fulfilled some standard I built up in my mind."

"Alright," said Alex nonchalantly. "Just sayin'. Somethin' she might think."

Jackson's eyes flickered in slow panic as the possibility hit him like a 747 slamming into a migratory bird mid-flight.

"And since when were you an expert on what women might think?" asked Jackson, as Alex's miraculous maturity arc started to pile up on him. Alex simply smirked to the side and tapped on his wedding ring.

Jackson shook his head in amusement then took the document that Alex paged him for. He spent a good few minutes to recognize it as the budget that's been pitched for days now, so he whipped out a pen and signed its allotted fields before shoving the copy back to Alex. He turned on his heel to leave the room, an air of determination propelling his stride.

"Where you goin'?" called out Alex.

"Off to woo my ex-wife," Jackson called back and before he knew it, he was dashing his way off to daycare.

Jackson swung around the door post of the colorful hospital room full of toys and small children. His chest was puffing by the time he got there and he saw April sitting on a bean bag with a standing Harriet facing her and receiving sweet little Eskimo kisses on her nose.

April finally met his gaze and every drop of exhaustion left his body the second they shared a smile over their daughter's shoulder.

"Hi," he greeted in one final puff and he took a few steps forward to walk over to them.

"Hey there," greeted April, looking up at him and gently guiding Harriet to turn around. "Look, bug. Daddy's here."

"Hi, Sweetheart," said Jackson. He secretly looked at April, too, when he said it, just to snag the feeling for himself before kissing Harriet's forehead.

"Got that thing done?" asked April.

"Yeah," said Jackson, taking a seat on the bean bag right next to her.

Offering something for Harriet to play with, the daycare attendant spilled some building blocks nearby and Harriet jumped at the opportunity to get first dibs, decidedly walking away from her parents without the thought of looking back.

"No. No, baby, don't go," April pleaded, falling to her knees then on all fours to try and reach her child and bring her back to them. "Come baaaack," she croaked dramatically and Jackson got a good kick out of seeing her try.

She finally hung it up and sat on the softly padded floor, reclining her back on the bean bag she vacated earlier. Her forearm was rested on a raised knee and she looked up at Jackson in feigned heartbreak. "She traded me in for blocks."

"Yeah. Who knows what else she'd trade us in for?" he empathized. It took him a while to muster up the courage to dive in and talk to her about the serious stuff, which was an absurd concept to him knowing that they've been through far more intense conversations in the past. He considered putting it off, but the point that Alex managed to bring up was eating away at him, and he didn't want to wait until they had their date to get into it. Finally, he broke through, but only made it through one sentence before choking and falling silent again. "I have a question."

Puzzled, she looked around awkwardly and followed up. "Do you... plan on asking it?"

Jackson sunk down from his bean bag and folded his legs under him so that he could sit across her on the floor. She shifted to face him, wondering what was up.

Toying around with a plastic block that he picked up close by, he and found her warm eyes and primed himself to speak. "Do you think… I want you back… just because you've changed?"

She blinked a few times and caught on pretty quickly that the talk was definitely starting now and not later. She looked down at the colored foam boards beneath them and met him with a glance. "Crossed my mind. Why don't you tell me?"

"It's a complicated question."

"I don't need a complicated answer… Just an honest one," she said amiably, as she slowly took the block from his hand and started fiddling with it, too. Not in a frantic or angry way, but in a way that was surprisingly calm. "You divorced me for a reason, Jackson, and I spent years trying to come to terms with that. So now that we're doing… this... I just wonder, you know? What this is."

"Can I hold your hand?" he asked, his voice hushed and sincere.

It seemed a little backward for him to ask since just moments ago, they were doing a lot more than just holding hands. But when they were in the on-call room, all bets were off. The heat of the moment took over, and they granted themselves permission to their passion and each other's bodies. Now that they were sitting across each other on the hospital daycare floor, with their child playing three feet away from them, things were very much grounded to reality this time around.

"Okay," she whispered back, and he warmly took her hands in his.

He took a little time to piece together his feelings, knowing that what he was about to say was going to dig up a lot. "I've had to give up thinking that we'd ever get our old life together back. Even though I miss it. All the time."

"You do?" she asked, and it was painted all over her face that this was new information to her.

"I do," he replied, realizing that he never really told anyone this. Especially not her. "And it kills me that eventually, I have to learn to let that go. Not just because you've changed. But because I've changed, too."

"Yeah," she said, feeling his familiar touch, seeing the familiar shape of his hands over hers. Hands that wore the same old skin but held together a completely new person. "Yeah, we've changed."

"So, wanting you… wanting us... just 'cause I think you've grown? Just 'cause I think you won't hurt me like you did before? To put things on my terms like that… It's not right. It's not my call. It's ours."

She nodded in acknowledgement. "When?" she asked, and only continued when he raised his eyebrows to encourage her to elaborate. "When did it start up again? The feelings?"

"I'm always gonna have feelings for you."

"You know what I mean," said April, trying to sift through the fact that while feelings would always exist between them, certain kinds were being called into question at the moment.

He pinched his eyes shut for a second, knowing that his answer would be a risky one considering what just happened between her and Matthew. But she wanted to know the truth, and he felt obligated to provide her his honest answer. "After the car crash."

April tensed up, feeling her ribs twist at the potential outcome she refused to let herself go through a second time so soon. That of a man declaring his love for her just because she almost died, just because he was afraid to lose her, only to have things wither down when the impulsivity of the moment ran its course.

It scared her to death. Precaution overtook her bones and she slowly slipped her hands away from his.

"April… April, please."

"Have you thought this through?" she asked in concern, almost sighing the words out. Her voice always had a smallness to it, but it had the chops to sound massive whenever she'd order interns around in the ER or when things would blow up in a heated argument. But right now, her voice was far from big or angry. It was small and scared of being hurt.

"It's partly my fault why you're trying to be sure this time," he admitted, and the bitter aftertaste of Montana coated the inside of his mouth. But it urged him on to try and do better this time. To push through, and be the one to believe enough for the both of them. "I'm asking... if you're willing… to put a little faith in me again. To earn your love back."

She shook her head and he felt his heart pulverized into a million pieces, only to pull itself back together upon realizing that she wasn't shaking her head because she was saying no, but because she was about to correct him on something. "You think I ever stopped loving you? I only had to find other ways of how," she said, and a tear fell before she could stop it. "...when I couldn't be your wife anymore."

Jackson felt a part of him unwillingly transported back to the clear varnished table in that lawyer's office where it happened.

 _You want this? Do you really want this?_

His eyes flashed back to present day, to the version of her that has come out from everything that has happened between them.

"I was still so in love with you when I signed those papers," he said finally, after having willed himself away from the painful memory.

"You were?"

"Yeah," he said, his eyes now as shiny as hers. "It felt like I lost my wife and my best friend in one day. Because I didn't know what else to do to stop the pain." She looked down and blew out a stream of cold air containing all the bad feelings from that day and the weeks that followed after their divorce. "Of course I'm always gonna love you, April. You're my…"

When a hard breath took the place of the words that didn't come, she looked up at him and she understood. Because she had the same struggle summing up what he was to her when they were at Jo and Alex's wedding.

"I like you better now," she said. "I think it's okay that I like you better now."

"I like you better now, too," he smiled faintly, and their hands found each other again and started tracing light patterns. "Do you like me better because I won't mind leading your family in prayer anymore?" he joked, squeezing her hand playfully.

"Nah. It's not that at all," she laughed. "It's 'cause you seem… happier. I would've liked you better for taking up _anything_ that made you happier… Except maybe something criminal."

They shared a good chuckle and April soon remembered something that happened moments before Jackson arrived at daycare. "... There's one more thing that's been bothering me."

"What is it?" he asked, the look on his face spelling concern.

"Amelia came by for a visit," she said.

"Uhm. Okay?"

"She told me that she and Owen started falling apart the moment their foster kids were taken away from them. I can't help but think…"

"Since that's what tore us apart before..."

"I can't help but think whether these feelings are just the kind people have when they share a child. I can't help but wonder if we'd be anywhere near this point if we didn't have Hattie. If she's the only thing that's keeping us together…"

"Do you think Sammy was the only thing keeping us together?" asked Jackson, and the mention of their son's name hit them hard. "He wasn't the only thing. He was made with love. He was made with our love."

"And he…" she began, but was unable to finish her sentence. "Jackson what I'm trying to say is that I'm scared. In the back of my mind, I'm scared everyday that something might take her away from us. I know there are no guarantees. I've come to know that the hard way. It's something that's been constantly teaching me surrender." She looked at Harriet for a moment over Jackson's shoulder. Their little nugget was still close by, having the time of her life with all the toys she had to herself. "But apart from feeling like it'd be the end of the world, I don't know what would become of us if we lost her. And now, not only am I scared about keeping her safe... I'm also dead afraid we'd end up hurting each other again if we have to go through that nightmare again."

Jackson took her words to heart. Nothing he knew could assure her or himself of the future of their child. He wondered if the faith he'd come to know could teach him the same sense of surrender she's already begun to learn.

"It's scares me, too. Being a parent… being parents like us, who've already gone through that kind of loss… it's pretty damn scary. In fact, it's terrifying," said Jackson, and the fear he's been describing was apparent in his eyes. "I'm afraid, too, April… But I'm gonna do it afraid. Everyday. And I know... That you're the only person I want to do it with." His hand found the side of her cheek and wiped away her tears with his thumb. "Let's do it afraid."

"We can do it afraid," she affirmed, closing her eyes at the feeling of safety while being cradled in his touch.

"C'mere," he said, gently pulling her close to rest her back on his chest so he could embrace her from behind. They stayed on the floor while they watched Hattie play, and took a deep breath of contentment as they sat in silence together. Jackson eventually placed his chin on her shoulder, lingering his voice next to her ear. "So if you wanna back out from dinner tonight, I guess now's your chance."

"You kidding?" she asked, still soaking up the moment. "I don't back out."

"I was hoping you'd say that," said Jackson, laying a sweet kiss on her cheek.


	15. Something That Feels This Good

"Are you sure Jo and Alex are gonna be okay with Hattie tonight?" asked April.

The evening was young and she and Jackson sat across each other over a warm candle lit table set for two. Alex had offered to take Harriet in for the evening, since Jo has been bugging him nonstop to practice their parenting skills for when they'd start trying for a baby.

"Yeah," said Jackson, but as he spoke, it was clear that he was still thinking about his answer.

"Jackson," said April, verbally shaking him out of it.

"I'm sure they'll be fine. They'll figure it out. Alex is _great_ with kids," he assured her, and then finally took the time to appreciate the sight in front of him. She was wearing a smart black dress with thin straps that crossed her freckled collarbones. The lines converged into a V shape and cleared way for a tasteful amount of cleavage that sent him reeling all evening. "You look beautiful by the way. Did I say that already?"

"Mhm," she said, throwing him a bone for his attempt at misdirection. He did say it already - when he picked her up from the trailer she continued to inhabit by choice despite Matthew offering up their house to her. She took a moment to settle her nerves down and ground herself in the beautiful layout of flowers between them. The last time they were out for dinner like this was when Jackson asked her out to talk about getting a divorce. She pushed those thoughts to the back of her head, giving him a gentle smile as she tried to focus on having a good time. "This is nice."

"Yeah," he smiled back, taking her hand over the table. Immediately, she started tearing up a little, just enough to glaze her eyes with some shine.

The last time they were out for dinner like this, he didn't hold her hand. She tried to hide it well, but he knew that something was up.

"You okay?"

"I just…" she started, looking at their hands for a moment before catching his eyes. "I can't believe we're doing this."

He searched for a response, and the one that sprung to mind was the one she had given him on their wedding day.

"I can," he breathed and he felt his heart made whole by the emotion she bared open. One of comfort and reassurance. He caressed her hand with his and let the incessant sparks bounce around in his body. "Look, I know, that this must be hard… and confusing."

"A bit. So... are we dating now?" she asked, her left brow raising subtly.

"I… guess we are," he said.

They paused for a second to let that thought simmer.

"Weird," they said at the same time, and both got a good laugh out of their odd synchronicity. His face lit up with that schoolboy grin she never got tired of, despite how much older they were now. It was infectious to her, and in no time, her features were beaming as well.

"Hey," said Jackson, an idea sparking in his mind. "I think I know what might make this easier."

"Yeah?" she asked curiously. "I'm all ears. Whatcha got?"

"Why don't we treat this like a real first date? You know, where people who barely know each other try to get to know one another…" he challenged tentatively.

"Please," she scoffed, smiling and rolling her eyes. Her view cycled downward as she toyed with his fingers, gently grazing the spot where his wedding ring had been. "I feel like you know me better than anyone."

"Actually," he said, feeling the void of all the time they spent apart and all the things he didn't know about her anymore start to creep up on him. "I think there's a lot for me to catch up on."

"Okay," she braved, taking a sip of her wine to brace herself for what she wasn't sure was a good idea to offer. "Ask me anything then."

"Anything. Really?" he smirked in amusement, feeling his excitement build. At first, he was set on asking her all the normal stuff - like how she learned how to bat so well or what she's been up to lately. But the fact that she told him he could ask her anything was an opportunity he couldn't pass off. "I've been dying to ask this."

"Oh really?" she laughed nervously. "Uh-oh."

"Yeah," he said, and by the sensual tone of his voice, she knew it meant trouble. He cleared his throat for effect before asking her a question she knew would come up eventually. "So where did you learn that thing you did in the on-call room?"

"Thing?" she asked innocently, like she didn't know what the word 'thing' meant. She had an idea of what he was talking about but was going to drag it out for as long as she could. "What thing?"

"I mean... that thing…" he accused playfully, and his voice dropped to a rough whisper, which wasn't really helping with her already present inclination to jump him right then and there. "Where you'd slow grind me down to the floor while I was inside you." And there it was again. The seductive voice he used on her in the OR only a few hours back. The one she wanted to stuff down with a towel just so she could think straight. "I thought it was really sexy."

April felt all her blood rush straight to her face and in other places under the dinner table as his explicit words caught her off guard. Her eyes, which were all classed up in pretty makeup, shot bashfully around the room to make sure no one overheard them. "Hm?"

"Mmm," he hummed in confirmation, and she just knew that he was replaying their little stint in his mind.

"Well," she said, playing along and batting her lashes slowly, only to shut him down mischievously. "You must have me confused with someone else. I barely know you."

"You're a tease," he said, widening his eyes playfully and friskily squeezing her hand.

"Hey, this thing was your idea," she pointed out.

"You said ask you anything," he reasoned.

"You're using your own rules wrong."

"God," he said, shaking his head and smirking.

"What?" she asked, her features pushed together.

"I miss bickering with you. I don't think I've missed doing anything more in my life."

"More than the sex, huh," she teased, which made his argument budge as he gave in with a strangled breath.

"Did you learn it from Koracick?" he asked, unsure of whether he was just torturing himself by digging deeper.

"What? No," she laughed, "No no... Oh God, no."

"Phew," he sighed. "So then…" Before Jackson could go through the less likely options of Matthew, Vik the intern, or only Lord knows who, his thought process was broken by the sound of her giggling. " _Why_ … are you laughing right now?"

"Okay, how 'bout I answer your question and we start over. The right way."

"Hmmhm," he chuckled. "Fine."

"Alright," she said, spooling her pasta with a fork before abandoning it and setting the utensil down on her plate. Her face looked like she was about to rip off a bandaid and get something done and over with. "I learned it from a hooker."

By the time her answer registered, Jackson was in the middle of taking in a bite of food. His blue green eyes widened as he forcefully swallowed what he'd put in his mouth.

"April… you…"

"Calm your pants. I didn't try to swing that way if that's what you were thinking," she said, although she'd be lying if she didn't consider it at some point given her track record with men. "We met at the shelter, and became really close. She said I should try..."

April trailed off to gauge his reaction. By her assessment he looked quite scandalized, but little did she know that it was really all just shock and curious expectation. "... Aaaand now you think I'm skanky."

"Are you kidding me? No," he laughed, now thoroughly impressed. "You got sex tips from a hooker."

"I… got sex tips from a hooker," she confirmed, poking fun at herself as she took the bite she had left on her plate. Swallowing, she went on to elaborate. "She said I seemed uptight in bed and offered to help me work on… some things," she blabbed, but then stopped herself before bringing up the first hiccup she and Matthew encountered in their 'marriage'. "You know what, I think it's my turn to ask you something."

"Okay…" he gave in, despite his curiosity. "And off the record, you know, since I barely know you and all," he joked. "You… are anything but… uptight in bed."

Affected by his constant attempts to arouse her all evening, she let in a shaky breath and swallowed hard. He found it adorable that she was still trying so hard to push through. "So... do you have any pets?" she asked distractedly.

"No," he said, pretending that he didn't know exactly what he was doing to her. "I'm a surgeon…." he began and when she hummed a comedic 'Oh is that so?' expression in feigned admiration, he couldn't help but break a laugh into the middle of his sentence. "... and I'm always on-call so I don't think it's practical to have one right now. But I'm open to it."

"Interesting," she pouted in approval. "Any cool injuries?"

"I have this scar on my forehead," he said, pointing to the little dent above his right eye. "But you already know how I got it."

"Do I?" she said, squinting playfully. "Do I really?"

"Hey! You took two turns," he exclaimed.

"Mkay, then ask me something."

"Nah, I'll just highjack your question," he teased. "Cool injuries, spill."

Jackson was anticipating anything from the array of injuries that he knew she's experienced since their intern year at Mercy West. From hilarious mishaps to life-threatening injuries, he's seen her have it all with the scars to prove it.

April, on the other hand, took the opportunity to share something he probably didn't know to make the most of the getting-to-know scheme they had going.

"I got shot once."

Hearing that, the background music playing at the restaurant suddenly muted itself out of Jackson's brain as he immediately froze where he sat. His ears rung at such a frequency that it broke through his first date facade.

" _What_?" he asked seriously.

"Y-yeah," she said, lifting her left arm to reveal a small scar below her elbow. "Right here."

"In Jordan?" he dug, with a concerned and almost scolding voice.

"No, not in Jordan," she said, finally noticing that he was off and her tone grew wary as she went on. "I made it outta there without a scratch, oddly enough."

"So… you got shot… here? After you left Grey Sloan? When was this?" he barraged, doing his best to seem calm.

She knew it. She knew all too well what was up when his voice used that tone and when he asked those many questions at once.

It was pure worry.

"At the hospital. Remember the gun-in-the-vagina case? I think you guys took a sick day off and got wasted on your boat or something - " she explained, trying to refresh his memory and hopefully lighten his mood over the fact that she got shot by a gun triggered by a vagina. To her dismay, his sadness grew. "Hey, what is up with you?"

"It could've been worse, April. And I wasn't there," he sighed.

"You know it's likely that things wouldn't have changed even if you _were_ there, right?" she countered.

"It's not that, I - I didn't even know that my best friend…" he said, and paused to think about whether it was still okay to call her that after all the distance they've built between them at the time. "… I didn't even know that you were shot at our own workplace. Which I happen own, by the way."

"Come on, we both know that I've been through worse. It was just a graze. I was clear to operate right after," she said, then aimlessly shifted her gaze to run a recollection of that day in her head. "I _did_ operate right after."

"You uhmm… never told me this… because..." he said, with a firm guess already planted in his mind.

She nodded, knowing what he was thinking. "...Because it happened right after I moved out, yeah," she confirmed.

"I wasn't there. I didn't know," he repeated, looking down with disappointment in himself.

"Hey, look at me," she said softly. When that didn't work, she decided to channel some of the grit she's picked up from no one other than Catherine Fox herself. " _Look_ at me."

Jackson's face flung up to that specific tone of voice out of instinct, and April made a mental note to use it more often in the future.

Although his shoulders were still strained, his eyes were now glued to hers as his voice grew soft. "I'm looking."

April took a breath and searched his face to count all the freckles on his nose that she had already memorized. "It's my turn."

Before he could let out a breath of protest against revisiting that twisted idea of his that got them there in the first place, his pained expression softened at what she asked him. "Do you… have any kids?"

"Yeah," he said, his frustration diffusing as he wore the same scrunched up face he made when he'd try to fight off tears. "Yeah, I do."

"Tell me," she encouraged, and he immediately felt her way of calming him down start to work.

"I have a beautiful baby girl," he said, still breathing heavily. "She's two. And a son I love very much."

"What are their names," she asked. Really, she was telling him to say it instead of asking.

"Harriet. And Samuel."

"They sound beautiful," she said softly.

"They are," he smiled, his eyes twinkling. "Like their mom."

"I love you," she couldn't help but say.

"I love you, too," he said right away, and they spent some time in awe at themselves for being able to rediscover each other in that light.

"Wow," she finally breathed, relieving some of the tension. "Bet you don't get that often on a first date."

"No. No, you don't."

Jackson and April spent the rest of their meal chatting about things that weren't quite as heavy. As he suspected, she did learn how to play baseball in Jordan, when some of the soldiers took her in on their makeshift pastime in the desert. He mentioned that the data from his spray-on skin initiative has been looking very promising and she cheered him on for doing so well on it. As it turned out, she's been quite happy with her work at the homeless shelters as well.

There were many other things they had left to catch up on, but it was a good start.

"That was delicious," she said, taking a final sip of wine.

"Yeah, it was," he beamed. "Care for some dessert?"

"Sounds good," she agreed and Jackson nodded the waiter over. When the man came to their table, April looked up at him politely and spoke. "We'll take the check, please."

As she sent the waiter on his way to have their bill processed, Jackson looked at her like she could be suffering from short-term memory loss. "Uhm…okay? I thought you wanted - "

"I want… dessert," she said, and the way she said it turned him on to no end. The desire she held in her eyes fueled his own, and all he wanted now was for that waiter to come running back with their check.

For a brief moment, he considered wiping all the dining items off their table and taking her right there. If they didn't have their dignity to preserve, that's exactly what he might have done.

Immediately, he pulled out his wallet and did the fastest math of his life as he roughly computed the bill and haphazardly laid cash on the table.

Her eyes buzzed around at the speed of his actions, and she finally broke into a laugh as he swiftly took her hand. She grabbed her purse and they ran out of the restaurant, laughing their heads off like a pair of lunatics chasing the exit.

With Jackson leading the way, they finally reached the parking lot. Still holding her hand, he slowed them down and turned around to face her. He bent down hoping for a kiss, but just before their lips met, she lingered her mouth by the side of his face.

"Race ya," she whispered, pecking a kiss on his cheek before sprinting toward his car, heels and all.

Jackson chuckled to himself as he gave her the headstart he thought she needed - because it was pretty clear to him that the desire to chase this woman to the ends of the earth would propel him fast enough to catch up with her.

Closing the distance between them, he finally caught her, grabbing her by the waist and making her squeak and giggle. He twirled her around and set her feet back on the ground, and she spun around inside his embrace before their lips met at last. They were just nearly a foot away from his car, and it was easy for him to lean her against the door and send shivers down her spine as the cold metal touched her bare skin.

"Here, do you want my coat?" he offered, noticing goosebumps rising on her smooth skin.

He started peeling off his coat before she assisted him with the task. "I want it off of you, that's for sure," she said, knowing full well that she didn't need it because she'd be working up a sweat in just a moment anyway.

Jackson gave her a devilish look as he quickly opened the door to the backseat. Shedding his coat off all the way, he threw it inside and ushered her in.

"After you," he said, motioning her inside like a proper gentleman.

"Pshhh," she cracked up, impatiently rushing his antics. "Get in here!"

Jackson followed her in and closed the door behind him. He crawled over the backseat on his hands and knees in search of her face. It was fairly dark and he could barely make out her features, but sparsely lit flashes of beautiful red hair led him to where he needed to be. He hurriedly cleared out some of the baby items he encountered along the way and chucked them to the back as fast as he could, making her laugh with endearment.

"Right here," she whispered, and as if on cue, fleeting headlights of a passing car in the distance revealed her face to him as he swung one leg down to the floor of the car to sit himself up.

"Hey, you," he whispered, smitten by the the familiar look on her face that told him she was rearing to pounce.

April practically lunged herself forward to connect their lips once more and Jackson was immediately taken back to the day they ran off from her wedding - when she spun out in his Volkswagen outside the barn and he asked her if she didn't want to do it… and she took that same leap and promised him her heart.

He pulled away for just a moment only to say what was on his mind. "This feels like… something new..." he started, cupping her face.

"Yeah but somehow... it still feels... like us," she replied, taking the words right out of his mouth. "Am I crazy?"

"You are, but you're right," he laughed. "And so horny today." By the sound of it, it was the farthest thing from a complaint. She kissed him on the lips again once before moving up to straddle his lap and face him properly.

"I don't know what you're talking about," said April, before descending her lips on his with a slow, passionate kiss that made his length harden beneath her. She could feel his hard-on move under her body and the only recourse she had was to move her dress away to heighten the sensation.

As his breathing became more labored, she picked up on what his mind pleaded her to do and started moving her hips in a steady circular motion.

"Ohhh my God, fuck," he grunted, as she continued with her movements.

"I… love… dessert," she breathed, as she lowered her kisses and finally found his neck.

"Uuuuhhhh," he moaned. "April…"

"Mhmm?"

"Mmm," he hummed. "I wanna know what you taste like."

"You already know what I taste like."

"We just met, remember?"

"You… are impossi - ooohhh hoooolyyy," she broke, as he slipped his fingers under her panties and started playing with her clit. "Mmm, do it."

Hearing her go signal, he slipped in his middle finger inside her and started bending it against her g-spot. His actions made her writhe above him in ecstasy as loud moans started oozing out of her lips.

"Mmmm, honey, you're so wet," he said.

He hasn't called her that since they were married. Not in Montana. Not by accident after the divorce. Not even after she returned from the war. He hasn't called her that since they were still married and trying to figure out how to do life without Samuel.

"The pet name…" she said, being pulled out of it for a moment.

"I'm… I'm sorry-"

"No…" she said, playing with his ear. She knew that he loved it when she did that. "I want it back. I want them all back."

"Yeah?" he asked, nibbling on her ear.

"Yeah, baby," she said, and she urged him on to go at it with her breasts.

His heart hammered against his chest as he finally got his hands on what's been driving him crazy all evening. Kissing the middle of her chest, he inched his tongue sideward and let his finger push away the black fabric to reveal a pink, perked up nipple. He had his mouth on it immediately as he slowly teased the other one with his hand. It drove her absolutely nuts when he did that and he knew it.

Suddenly, his phone started vibrating beside them on the car seat where it had fallen from his pocket.

"Don't…" she whined desperately, her eyes still closed as she embraced his head against her breasts.

"Okay," he said, ignoring the call.

"Shit," she said through her teeth, as she glanced a peek at the caller ID.

"Mmm, baby, that good, huh?"

"No, I mean shit… it's Alex," said April, before patting his shoulder. "You better answer it. It might be Hattie."

Grumbling like a child, Jackson took his phone and hit the green button. He kept April right where she was and she hooked her arm around his neck for support.

"Hey Alex, what's up?" he asked, turning the speaker on so April could tune in.

"Avery, hi. Sorry to bust your boinking with Kepner, but I need to bring this girl to the hospital."

"Hattie?!" they said together, both pairs of eyes widening in concern, and not caring at all that Alex was spot on for guessing they were 'boinking'.

"No, sorry not Hattie. Jo. She slipped on one of Hattie's toys and hit her head pretty bad." There was a slight panic in his voice, which was a rare feat for him most of the time. "She wants to stay home, but I don't feel like takin' any chances."

"Hey, of course. You should totally take her to the hospital to be sure. How is she?"

"Well the fact that she's insisting I don't make a big deal about this tells me she's awake and responsive," said Alex in sarcastic optimism.

"We can be at your place in like…" he said, looking to April, who mouthed 'ten?'. "Ten minutes to pick Harriet up, is that cool?"

"Would've taken her to daycare with us, but she fell asleep..." said Alex.

"Nah, don't be silly. We got her," said Jackson.

"That'd be great. It doesn't seem too serious, but a say-so from Shepherd would mean a lot," replied Alex.

"Okay, man, see you soon then."

When the call ended, they exhaled and looked at each other knowingly.

"Well… Duty calls," April prompted, fixing herself up and flipping her hair away from her face.

"Yeahp," said Jackson, popping his lip at the end.

They got themselves strapped up in the front seats in no time, and the next thing they knew, they were on the way to Jo and Alex's place.

"That was nice," he offered as a consolation as he took the next right.

"Nice while it lasted. Hope she's okay."

"Yeah," he agreed. Jackson let out a breath of discomfort through this nose, and she easily picked up on it.

"Hurts?"

"A little. I'll be fine."

"I could…" she offered suggestively.

"While I'm driving? Nah," he said. "I might actually steer us the wrong way or slam on the gas pedal if you…"

Imagining her giving him a blowjob under the steering wheel and what it would do to him wasn't helping at all with his problem.

"... I'll be fine."

"Alright," she concluded, but kept the offer open. She didn't like seeing him uncomfortable, so she offered an alternative solution. "Just think about your mom and Webber."

"Can I NOT do that?!" he protested desperately. "Please?"

"Too late, isn't it?" she teased.

"You're evil."

"I'm thinking about it now, too," she winced and they both started cracking up.

When Jackson and April arrived at the Karevs', they were immediately greeted by Alex at the loft entrance.

"Thanks for coming," said Alex.

"How's she doing?" asked April.

"I'm doing fine, you guys!" called out Jo from the living room.

"Babe, you ready to go?" Alex called back to her, then he turned to face April and Jackson. "Hattie's inside. I'll just get her."

Alex returned soon after, holding Harriet in one arm and guiding Jo by the waist with the other.

"Hey thanks again for having her over," said Jackson, as he took the sleeping child in his arms.

"Damn Kepner, you look smokin' hhhhot!" slurred Jo, trying to find her balance.

"I gave her some pain meds and it made her a bit… loopy," said Alex, knitting his eyebrows together as he observed his wife closely.

The four doctors descended down the stairs and found their cars parked beside each other in the parking lot. April helped Jo inside while Alex situated himself in the driver's seat.

"Drive safe," smiled April, closing Jo's door for her. She and Jackson waved their friends goodbye and got ready to set up Harriet in the back of their car.

"Her seat's in the rear," said Jackson and April took Harriet so he could retrieve it from the luggage compartment and strap it to the backseat.

"Thanks, daddy," said April, sneaking in a yawn as the immensity of the day finally started to wear her down.

"I like that," he said, and it caught her attention. "Never told you, but I like it when you call me daddy."

"Really?"

"I mean… not in a kinky way or anything like that," he explained, securing the seat and laying a soft blanket on top of it. "Even after you moved out, you'd point Hattie to me with _'There's daddy'_ or _'Daddy's here'_ and… hearing it from you… it's everything."

"I thought I was the only one…" she said, laying Harriet down and buckling her seatbelt, and that surprised him, too. "My heart used to melt and fall apart at the same time whenever you'd called me 'Mommy'... it's just nice to hear."

They shared a smile and silently decided that it was probably a good idea to head home. Wherever that was at this point. The car ride home was definitely quieter, mostly because they didn't want to wake Harriet up.

"I love being a mom," she said finally, and her voice was soft and earnest.

"You're a good mom," he said.

"Well, you already how good a father I think you are," she said and he knew she was referring to that time they laid in bed together in Montana.

He didn't know how to top off that exchange without breaking out all the feelings again, so he opted to bridge in a tangent.

"So… trailer?" he asked, wondering where she wanted to be dropped off for the evening, or if they were sleeping in the same place for the night.

"Sure… it's uuuhmm... my night with her right?"

"Yeah…"

"Okay…"

She turned to look at Harriet sleeping in the back and pulled her view to him. "Weirdest first date ever," she said, smiling and scrunching her nose.

"Pretty weird," he laughed, his mood so much lighter.

When they got to her trailer, he pulled the car over by its entrance and they unbuckled their seatbelts.

"I'll get your door," said Jackson, still wanting the remnants of their date to be perfect, all things considered.

"Oh, it's alright," she said leniently. "Why don't you get Hattie and I'll go grab her baby bag in the back?"

"Okay," he replied. "Good plan."

They took to their tasks and started walking to the trailer.

"Still renting this thing out?" he asked, as he held Harriet soundly against his chest while taking quiet, careful steps.

"Nope. It's mine now, actually," she replied as she adjusted the strap of the baby bag over her shoulder.

"Oh," he said in surprise. "What about your house with…"

"That's mine now, too… apparently," she said, willfully hoping the subject would just die down on its own. Soon enough, they were standing by her door. "I had a really nice time, Jackson."

"Me, too," he said. "You have no idea."

They could feel the air between them start to stew and he smiled as he leaned down for a sweet little kiss. She moved her mouth slightly and pulled away so as not to rouse the little one.

"We never did that before…" she whispered.

"What? Kiss?" he asked incredulously.

"Kiss each other while holding our child…" she said, and he realized that she was right. They were far too depressed to kiss each other when Samuel was born, and they weren't anywhere near kissing terms when Jackson brought a newborn Harriet to April's hospital room.

"You're right," he said sadly. "But now that we have... it feels right."

"Come sleep with us tonight," she offered.

"Yeah?"

"Yes," she said, as she took her keys from her purse and started unlocking the door. "I mean… that's if you want to…"

"Oh hell yeah I want to," he said.

She smiled and he followed her inside holding their quiet bundle of joy, and he closed the door behind them to seal them away from the outside world.


	16. Take Me Back

It was early - much earlier than the usual time that Jackson would plop himself out of bed. Something, most likely the prospect of waking up to both April and Harriet beside him, nudged him straight out of his dreams and into the morning.

His vision went from blurry to sharp as a pin, and the girls came slowly into focus - still comfortably sound asleep in front of him. The fact alone that he woke up before April made him know for sure that it was his giddy subconscious mind impatiently tugging him awake.

Little Harriet was nestled between her parents, her features smooth and blissful like she was tucked away in the safest place in the world. Meanwhile, April's hand was unconsciously holding his somewhere between them.

Her touch was warm and loving, and knowing that they've been holding hands in their sleep next to their little nugget made him want to stay like that forever. If the idea of making them breakfast wasn't going to pull him out of bed, nothing would.

 _Breakfast. I should start breakfast_ , he thought to himself sleepily.

Gently lifting his arm from under Harriet's soft and fragrant curls, Jackson took his time to get up stealthily lest he wake either it them. He squeezed one eye shut at every sudden movement, like a careful burglar afraid to trip an alarm. After finally freeing himself from his little sanctuary, he traversed the trailer corridor toward the kitchen.

 _I wonder where she keeps the waffle iron._

Jackson skimmed through the shelves and cupboards to re-familiarize himself with her system. Her organizational methods were elaborate and far ahead, but he trusted her placements to be sensible and well-thought through. In no time, he found the waffle iron and closed the cupboard where it came from.

 _Let's see here. Where's the pancake mix up in this place?_

With no ready-made mix in sight, Jackson carried on to explore other options.

 _Whole wheat and bran. Gross._

Soon, he encountered a large plastic jar of something he recognized well enough, because he had one of his own stocked up in his apartment. He scoffed incredulously as he stared at what he knew to be a jar of flavored whey protein.

 _Psh. As if. She hates this stuff. Or does she… Come to think of it. Seems like she's been working out more,_ he smirked to himself.

At that thought, his smirk disappeared as he realized where they were at. He didn't really know much about how she's been coping in the last month. Her thing with Matthew wasn't exactly a first date dinner topic make. They talked a lot about work and their own past but she didn't seem quite ready to share what got her through her recent breakup. They barely spoke to each other before yesterday, and not twenty-four hours later, he was in her trailer in bed together with their child.

Pinning the thought up for another time, he searched her shelves twice over, a bit disappointed by coming up empty until it clicked that of course April was the type to make her waffle mix from scratch.

 _You're killing me, Apes._

Completely at a loss, Jackson whipped out his phone and went on to place a delivery order to one of his favorite all-day waffle diners. He knew their services to be quick and tasty and expected breakfast to arrive in no time.

Shutting the screen of his phone off, he plopped himself onto the chair facing what he could only assume to be her study. Almost instantly, a rather familiar artifact on her table made itself known to him.

In the early morning light, at the center of her work desk, was a little red notebook.

"No way. No freaking way," he whispered to himself as he took it in his hands and allowed the fond memory to flood and swell through his senses.

 _"Jackson! Give it back!" laughed April._

 _"You know, I always wondered what you keep writing in this thing," he teased, lifting her little red notebook away from her reach above his head._

 _"Well, buddy. Keep wondering," she suggested, clawing at his shirt like she might climb him like a tree. Frustrated by the height difference, her jaw stiffened as she gritted her teeth to make a funny voice. "That's mine!"_

 _"What ever happened to what's mine is yours, what's yours is mine?" he said, and he felt her grasp weaken. He knew it made her soft every time he made mention of their newly-made nuptials._

 _"Hmm?" he challenged with a chuckle, as she smiled and stammered for something clever and came up short. Taking advantage of her fumbling state, he finally lowered the notebook to land himself flat on their bed and hugged the journal tightly against his chest. "Just one little read," he begged._

 _"Oh no. Nuh-uh," said April. She hopped on after him to try and retrieve her hidden well of secrets, but he lazily curled up into a ball to protect it from her with his body - never daring to take a peep at it without first garnering her permission._

 _"Oooone little reeead," he persisted, his voice muffled by the soft comforter._

 _"Babe, It's embarrassing," she said, with her hand gently resting on the small of his back._

 _"Hey," said Jackson, finally facing her with eyes so genuine he could trade them in for gems. "It's me."_

 _At that moment, she felt all the times he's seen parts of her that no one else on the face of the earth has seen before, both physically and emotionally. If Lexie Grey, bless her soul, and some random thief of a patient could get their hands on her secrets, she didn't see why Jackson of all people shouldn't._

 _"Fine," she said, finally giving in. His eyes lit up and she secretly revelled in the tiny ways she could get that reaction out of him. "Few couple pages and you're outta there."_

 _"I like it when you order me around," he teased._

 _"I'm serious!" she laughed._

 _"I'll take it," he said right away, and sat up comfortably next to her on the bed. His voice grew solemn as he looked at her. "You're my wife. I wanna get to know you better," he professed, tugging at her heartstrings yet again before he opened the book at a random page._

 _April huffed out some joy through her nose and wrapped a hand around the back of his neck to graze her fingers behind his head. "You already know me plenty. You're my best friend, Jackson."_

 _He looked at her warmly and gave her a little smile before laying a soft kiss on her head. "I love you," he whispered._

 _"Love you," she mouthed, her voice barely audible._

 _He carried his smile with him as he began to delve into her handwritten notes. They were neat and dated frequently with entries from as far back as their intern year. April started worrying her bottom lip as she studied his features closely, distracting her nerves with how attractive her husband was._

 _"April, I just want you to know that…" he began seriously and she zoned in attentively._

 _"Yeah?"_

 _"That you're not just a good doctor."_

 _"Noooohohohoooo," whined April in a fake sob, as she playfully pushed his face all the way down to the mattress and made him lie on his side._

 _"You're a GREAT doctor!"_

 _"Jeez. Of all the things. You find THOSE."_

 _"YOU are the FUTURE OF MEDICINE," he went on dramatically, pointing a campaigning finger at her while still reading the book from his sideways position._

 _"Hey!" she giggled as she felt his body start to bounce with laughter under her own. "You don't get to laugh."_

 _"I'm laughing 'cause it's adorable," he argued, snaking a hand on her waist. "Besides… Only YOU can bring YOU down, baby."_

 _"Honey, I swear. I'm cringing so hard right now, can you please just… just don't read it out loud."_

 _"Okay," he gave in, shifting under her to lie on his back as he placed her open journal facedown on his chest. "Hey. Thanks for sharing this with me."_

 _Without words, she crawled up into his space and pushed the little notebook over to the side in one fluid motion, eventually capturing his lips with hers._

As Jackson skimmed the pages in search of some nostalgia, her notebook felt quite the same to him. April always kept her notebooks in such pristine condition that he couldn't even tell if this was the same one, or a later purchase of the same color. His answer came the moment he saw the dates.

They were recent.

Her handwriting barely changed at all. Still pretty. Still curvy and deliberate. There were fewer blotches and erasures on this one and he thought it was one of the many things that told him she's grown more sure of herself throughout the passing years.

The biggest difference of all was that instead of bearing the sprightly self-propping words of a young and hopeful resident, she's been writing all new sorts of things to herself.

 **You are a good mom. You are enough.**

"You are," he whispered.

 **Someday, Hattie is gonna have all these difficult questions. About life… Oh, God… About love. You'll have to figure out a way not to feel like a hypocrite when you offer her advice. Failing so much on it might feel disqualifying, but try your best to draw wisdom from those failures. It's not about you. It's about her. Protect her at all costs.**

With his heart all fuzzy, he flipped through the next page and found something that left him puzzled.

 **Didn't work. He found it weird. I weirded him out. I feel really stupid. I never had to try this hard with… I gotta keep trying. We'll figure this out.**

Shrugging off the urge to get too into it, he lead himself to the next page and it was dated somewhere around the time he flew to Boston to visit his mom.

 **This can't be happening. Not again. What is wrong with me?**

"Nothing's wrong with you," he muttered, eyebrows scrunched down.

 **Why am I so difficult to love? Maybe it really is just me.**

 _You're not. It's not you_ , thought Jackson, shaking his head. He barely noticed that his breathing started getting heavy over knowing she's been beating herself up about this.

 **I will never be her. Somehow, I have to learn to be okay with that. I am my own person. But damn, it hurts.**

 _Thatta girl._

 **They moved out today. They're both gone…**

 _I'm so sorry._

 **Fuck it. I'm buying that tin can and I'm gonna start living in the woods and pet raccoons like dr major owen hunt**

A few more pages down the line, he found,

 **I made out with Jackson last night. Lord, help me. He's still got it.**

 _Damn straight_ , he smirked.

 **We can't do this again… can we?**

 _We can._

The next one a day later was short and made him laugh quietly to himself.

 **God, I miss sex.**

Jackson was blazing through pages, seeping in more and more of what had transpired during the time she gave herself space to clear her head. But after a couple, he found a document-sized sheet of paper tucked between the pages of her journal. It was folded in three and he was already mentally punching himself to stop what his hands had already decided to do. Against his better judgement, he opened it up and it read:

 **Dear April,**

 **Got your letter. Thanks for checking in on us. We've been living with Karin's parents. Things have been good.**

 _Yeah, rub it in why don't ya_ , he thought bitterly, then wordlessly called himself out for being none the better going through her things.

 **I told them about us. Figured it was only right. They didn't know how to feel about it at first, but they said that you seem lovely. They said they're praying for us. Hoping we're sure about our decision and have come to terms with it. We have… haven't we?**

 _Have you, Matthew?_

 **I hope you're well. God, I only wish the best things for you over there. I bet you're just killing it with all the amazing work you've been doing.**

 _She is._

 **I think I'm starting to get what you mean. When you said I made you feel 'useful and good', I admit I felt a bit like a charity case to you - like you were just loving me out of pity. I didn't understand it then. But being here with them... seeing the joy in their faces every time they pick up Ruby, I can tell they can feel Karin breathing through this little angel she left behind. I told them you saved her life. They're forever grateful to you, April. You helped me bring them that happiness. Doing that for them makes _me_ feel useful… and good… and alive again.**

 **It's crazy… but I feel her smiling down at me for taking care of them. Spilling myself over, giving parts of myself fully… my heart is made whole.**

 **You taught me that.**

 **I still have so much love for you, April. And I will be thankful for you always.**

 **Yours,**

 **Matthew**

 **P.S. Please, I insist. The house we bought is yours now. Feel free to do what you want with it. Consider it a parting gift of sorts. Our paths may cross again. But until then… I wish you happiness. You deserve it more than anyone I know.**

Jackson took a huge breath in to try and digest all the information he's absorbed. He knew it in his gut that he shouldn't have dug into her notes the moment he realized they were only from the past few months. He told himself he'd shut the whole thing down and lay the book back on her table like he was never there - until a particular entry she wrote right after Matthew's letter floored him to a complete halt.

 **There's another tour to the Middle East in a few months… and they want me as Chief Medic.**


	17. Untold

Jackson frantically closed the book shut and tried to anchor his breathing. All the feelings came pouring in and started fighting each other all at once. Guilt. Revelation. Enlightenment. Admiration. Jealousy. Fear. Fear that she just might want to leave again after what she's been through. It was obvious to him that the thought had crossed her mind before they got together again, but the prospect of it was rapidly eating away at him.

Was she going to talk to him about leaving him Harriet for months on end until she returned? If she'd ever return… He shook off the terrible thought of her being in a dangerous place again overseas. Was she still interested in serving the tour now? Would he let her? Was it even his call to let her? And Matthew. What was she writing to him? Was she really over it?

The questions kept piling up until his headspace started to short circuit, but before his mind had the chance to explode, he heard April's voice behind him.

"Hey."

Frozen in place, it took him half a second to realize that he had pushed himself so far away from her desk that it probably didn't even seem to her like he'd been snooping.

"Morning," she smiled sleepily, clearly unaware of what he's been up to.

"Hey," he said, still petrified. She had no clue. He felt filthy. Guilt was pooling around in his system and there was no way for him to plug the source from where it came.

She creased her brows at him, sensing his guardedness. "Hm," she said plainly and Jackson's eyes grew shifty and conspicuous. "I know that look, Jackson."

"There's a look?" he laughed dryly, still holding it together by a thread.

"Yeah, and you might as well just spill 'cause you know I can see right through you," she said dangerously, making her way toward him. "It's the look you get when you're hiding something."

"I -," he stuttered. "I really shouldn't have -"

"You know you could've waited for me to make the batter right?" she finished for him, situating herself on his lap and wrapping her arms around his neck.

"The batter…"

"You've been digging around for that instant pancake mix, haven't you?" she laughed. "I see the waffle iron…" she whispered, looking over his shoulder to the appliance laid out in the kitchen as she kissed him languidly on the cheek. "... but no waffles. I told you. That stuff is loaded with chemicals."

"Chemicals. Right... Well, you caught me," he admitted sheepishly. If his mind wasn't going a mile a minute, what she was doing with her husky morning voice right next to his ear would have had him carrying her back to bed in no time. "I ended up ordering breakfast from that place around the block."

"I like that you tried," she smiled, going for his neck to place a few kisses before turning to look over to Harriet. "She'll be up in a few. I still like my coffee though if that's alright."

"Likewise," he smiled, keeping his nerves on a tight leash. He didn't think he deserved her coffee. Or the sexy waffle talk. Or the neck kisses.

"You okay?"

"I'm great," he lied, his feelings starting to fester. "I…"

Jackson was on the precipice of churning out the truth when they heard a knock at the trailer door.

"Ugh. If that somehow turns out to be _Alex Karev_ out there, this would literally be the third time in less than twenty-four freakin' hours," groaned April.

"Probably the waffles," said Jackson, kissing her cheek and shifting under her. "I'll get it."

"I'll start the coffee," she offered, complying to get them both out of her chair.

After paying the delivery man and setting the waffles down on the table outside, Jackson's eyes caught sight of April's as she slipped out of the trailer to join him on the outdoor patio.

"Coffee's brewing. Child is snoozing," she reported, breathing in the early sunshine. It was still around 6 a.m. and nowhere near the time for either of them to start moving. "It's a beautiful morning. What's your sched for the day?"

"Be at the hospital by 10," said Jackson, his brain still stalling. "...You?"

"Still taking the late ones I see. Gotta be at work in about two hours" she said, taking the seat next to him. They were still parked at the campsite where she started her hike. It hadn't been too far from the restaurant either so she decided to leave it there before she had to drive it back to work.

In the half hour that followed, they got through breakfast with Harriet more quietly than April had hoped, and she started to wonder if something was up. "Hey, you okay? You seem a little off."

"I'm fine," he insisted, the position he's gotten himself into still getting the better of him. "It's just… my mind's been... I'm fine."

"If you say so," she sighed, as she started growing uneasy. She hated it when he kept to himself and acted distant. Although she's gotten used to him trying to deal with his problems alone, she couldn't help but think that it had something to do with them. "I might go into work early today."

"You sure? We still have -"

"Yeah. I'm sure," she said firmly.

April's trailer had been granted secure parking at the now government-funded facility right by the community they've been working on. It gave her freedom to roam on the weekends for hiking trips and the like, while lending close proximity to her work on weekdays. A workday with Harriet for her was just a matter of dropping the little one off to the daycare center nearby.

"Want me to drive her to daycare?" he offered, as they finished packing up the trailer.

"Okay," she said weakly, her air shifted. She was in her own head now, too, with the way he was acting. He expected she would avoid kissing him goodbye, but she did anyway and said, "Talk to me when you're ready."

He nodded earnestly and they went on their separate ways.

Getting through the day was going to be a horrid ordeal for Jackson. He hated that he couldn't pull it together enough to keep them in good spirits. In fact, she looked really pissed. The worst kind of pissed. The silent and understanding kind of pissed. On top of that, he kept thinking about what she wrote in her diary.

On his drive to Grey Sloan, turning on the radio had one of Saintseneca's songs rub it in his face even more.

 _Wait a minute_

 _Did I hear you say you're going far away again?_

He frowned at the screen on the control panel as if the radio people were purposely trying to feed him anxiety.

 _Try to change it_

 _I can't take the lonely nights without your love_

With that, he shut the radio off and continued on route in silence. His mind was completely out of it. He had no idea where his legs took him and how, but by the time he tuned in to his surroundings, he was in an attendings' meeting and Bailey's voice was echoing throughout the room. She had been talking about the project she's been spearheading for the past few weeks.

"Good morning. As you all know, we'll be casting our anonymous selection for this year's lecture series. I need to get your suggestions to Chief over there," she said, pointing a look over to Alex, "by tomorrow. I'll be expecting printed files of your chosen guest speaker's profile in the designated submission locker by 5 p.m., today. Again, guidelines in the email I sent."

"Yeah, question. Can we discuss nominations amongst ourselves?" he heard Jo ask.

"Absolutely not," said Bailey, and Jo slumped her shoulders like a student who had answered incorrectly in class. "Otherwise, your anonymity wouldn't serve much of a purpose. Any more questions?"

"Can we nominate ourselves?" asked Link.

"Hey! Doesn't this count as discussing?" Jo protested.

"It's a legit question!" said Link like they were bickering siblings.

"Technically… yes," said Bailey with knotted brows. "The rules do say you can recommend any attending from Grey Sloan and other teaching hospitals in Seattle." Bailey sighed. "Everyone else…" She looked to the crowd to address them directly. "Pretend you didn't just hear this man say he's gonna nominate himself," she said, and everyone gave a chuckle.

"So much for anonymity," said Alex, leaning against the wall. He was getting the hang of being chief and it started to show.

"You _like_ giving lectures?" Jackson heard Amelia whisper to Link.

"Well… yeah," the orthopedic surgeon whispered back and lowered his voice. "And I thought you found it sexy."

Amelia shifted in her seat. "I am _sooo_ nominating you," she purred but her voice travelled across the whole room as it chanced upon a moment of silence. Bailey's deadpanned face, along with everyone else's, turned to her and Amelia shrunk into her chair. "Anonymously," she amended, half-apologetic.

"Can we nominate non-surgeons?" asked Jackson, with April in mind.

"We're hosting this lecture series for surgical residents, so no. The guest speaker has to be a current attending, I'm afraid. Preferably one with ongoing research," said Bailey.

"Damn."

"Seriously people. I gave this assignment a week ago… Y'all are still cramming like interns," sang Bailey in all sass, then shook her head in surrender. "Lord help us all... 5 p.m. Tuh-day!"

With a few more points left, the meeting was adjourned shortly after, and Jo floated right next to Jackson as their coworkers started flowing out of the room.

"I know what you were thinking," she said to him.

"I wanted to make things up to her. She would've loved to do a lecture series," said Jackson, a little disappointed.

"What did you do?" Jo asked curiously after letting out a gasp laden with intrigue.

"Something that needs making up for."

"And you two have only been screwing for what? A day?" she poked, clearly amused. "You still owe me the scoop by the way."

"Do I?" he said, raising his eyebrows, and they heard a voice behind them.

"You're _screwing_ someone," said Maggie declaratively and they stopped and turned around to face her.

"Maggie," he said in surprise and scratched the back of his head. "Yeah. Uhm. It's-"

"Don't pressure yourself," said Maggie easily, observing him struggle. "You don't have to tell me."

"Hey, Mags, you still dating that guy?" asked Jo, her tone light and conversational.

"I am," smiled Maggie, slipping her hands into her coat pockets. "About a month in. We're taking it slow. I like him a lot."

"That's good," nodded Jackson sincerely. With the way Maggie just blinked at him though, he was sure she was wondering why he was out 'screwing' someone when he was the one who wanted something serious. "I'm dating… her. Actually. Not just screwing."

" _Good_ ," she said in polite approval, embellishing some romance to the term _'Not just_ _screwing'_. A slight pause crept through the three of them and she continued. "I'm gonna check on my patients now before this gets awkward."

"Yup. See ya," said Jackson avoiding eye contact, and Maggie made her way out of the room.

"That went well," said Jo. "So I guess you aren't telling people yet."

"Yeah, we decided to keep it on the down low for now. Hey, have you seen Hunt?"

"Don't _you_ know how to dodge," teased Jo. "How 'bout I tell you where Hunt is and you promise to give me all the juicy stuff between you and Kepner."

"That sounds… wrong. Please don't say that," he said and Jo blinked away and winced at the dirty innuendo, her face lighting up again as he reluctantly agreed. "...Fine."

"Okay. After today's attendings' meeting, he was supposed to go to Exam Room 1012 with Teddy. And Koracick…" said Jo. "So that's a mess"

"Yeah tell me about it," said Jackson.

"Hey remember when April and Korasick -"

"I try not to," he said dismissively. "Thanks, Jo. Room 1012? Think I'll wait 'til they're done."

"Perfect! We have time then," she said and Jackson knew she was going to bug him for details about his recent reunion with his ex-wife.

Soon enough, he found himself waiting outside the exam room when Owen came out to fetch his iPad and start his day.

"Hey, Hunt!"

"Avery," said Hunt cordially.

"I was just curious about something. Hope you don't mind me asking. I know it's been a while."

"Sure," said Owen, lifting his gaze away from his chart for a moment. "What about?"

"Uhm," mumbled Jackson, clearing his throat. "April."

Owen's face tore away from his device. He didn't think Jackson would ask him anything about April that he didn't already know. "You're curious… about April," he confirmed.

"Yeah," said Jackson, motioning Hunt into a conference room. The trauma surgeon took a peek at his watch and set his iPad on the nurses' table before following Jackson to hear him out. "How was she? Overseas. In Jordan? What was it like for her?"

"I… don't know why you'd be asking me about this now," said Owen, making a small sound in his throat at the unexpectedness of the situation.

"I guess you just gotta trust me on this."

Owen's face grew confounded but his posture squared up as he took Jackson's question to heart. "Well… I think she was the highest performing trauma surgeon we had on the field," he said honestly.

"Really?" asked Jackson in awe, not knowing that Hunt held that high a praise for her.

"Yeah," smiled Owen, reminiscing on their days of service together. "You know people over there called her The Ma-"

"The Machine," supplied Jackson. "Yeah. Riggs mentioned that."

"Would _never_ slow down," said Owen, shaking his head and cutting a hand horizontally across the air. "There were times she'd just be finished with surgery… Then she'd hop right back on a rig to find more people."

Jackson listened to him intently as he imagined April zipping across the camp and doing her job like it was nobody's business. Then he imagined heavy tanks rolling across the field and explosions and gunfire. "Was she ever in any real danger? Was she hurt at any point?"

Owen chose his words thoughtfully. "We were all in danger. She got out of a few close calls. She was careful," he said transparently. Then he looked down at the floor then back at Jackson to decide whether he should continue.

"What is it?" urged Jackson.

Hunt looked like he backed himself up into a corner, the only relief being was that it's been years since. "At the start though… she seemed pretty indifferent… Depressed, as you'd imagine. She blamed herself for Samuel." Jackson expression grew pained. "I held her back from field work near any open fire... because…"

A long pause ensued and Owen started to think twice if he was wrong to mention it.

"Owen, finish the sentence," said Jackson, his face still tense and searching for the truth.

"I know the look when someone is thinking about hanging it up," sighed Owen, shifting his line of sight between Jackson and anything else that was around them. "But she got better," he said nodding and staring distantly, his eyes finally meeting Jackson's head on. "She said she kept thinking about you. And what it'd do to you if she… _wasn't_ careful."

"Why didn't you tell me this before?" Jackson frowned.

"It wasn't my place to bring it up," shrugged Owen and Jackson couldn't fault him for it. He hung his head and looked up when Owen spoke again.

"She was really good with the kids," said Owen and that did something to a fragile place in Jackson's chest. "Sometimes these civilian children would come in hurt. She couldn't speak their language, but she spoke to them through healing. Made them feel safe. I think…" said Owen, blowing out some of the tension. He was getting quite emotional as well. "I think she was trying to be like a mother to them. Made sure they ate well. Would lull them to sleep at night when they'd have a bad dream. No matter how tired she was. And I could see it. Moments of… _joy_. But also sadness. Maybe even a little envy."

Jackson tried to stop his mouth from quivering as Owen continued.

"But sometimes kids would come in… _really_ hurt. And we couldn't…" Owen was shaking loose the bad memories that followed. "I would always tell her she did her best. That she shouldn't beat herself up over it. She took those ones really hard. Like it was her job to keep them alive and she failed. Like she was obligated to not put another parent through what she…"

Owen's trance was broken by none other than the sound of Jackson full-out sobbing.

"Hey," said Owen, placing a comforting hand on Jackson's shoulder. "I'm sorry, I should've have..."

"It's okay."

"For what it's worth. Her acceptance grew. She knew that she was doing some good in a place where a lot of terrible things happen. She was amazing over there. Even though at times, she'd somehow think it wasn't enough. That's April for you."

"Yeah," sniffled Jackson, his brain simmering in all the things he hadn't known for so long. "That's April."

* * *

"Hey, thanks for picking her up. You really didn't have to."

"It's my pleasure. Wasn't sure you'd come."

"Aha," said April, setting her things down on a chair before taking the space beside him on his couch. "So you used our daughter as a hostage to lure me in for dinner. Nice."

"Thanks for coming anyway," he smirked. "I wanted to talk about… this morning."

"Yeah. What happened? You barely touched your waffles… Didn't kiss me good morning…" said April, her warm earthy eyes kind but concerned. "Is it some trouble with the hospital?"

"No," he said, shaking his head. "Nothing like that."

"Is it me? If you think I kicked you in bed last night, it wasn't me. It was her," she said, pointing to Harriet playing with her toys on the living room floor.

"No," he managed to laugh. "You didn't do anything wrong... _I_ did something wrong." Jackson gathered his spine and looked at her squarely. "I did a thing," he gulped.

"Okay," she said, a ton more confused than before. "Care to elaborate?"

"And I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have. And I don't wanna ruin this. But I owe it to you to be honest," he disclaimed vaguely.

"Jackson. Spit it out."

"I read it… Your notebook," he confessed and he saw her eyelids start to flicker as she searched for way not to react right away. He felt awful but knew he'd make things worse if he left it at that. "I thought it was your old one and I guess I just wanted to get a kick out of the past. Didn't really realize that you just kept buying the same color," he said, attempting a flimsy shot at some levity.

April just sat across him, unable to even look him in the eye. Her eyelashes blinked here and there, and what he assumed to be either hurt or anger started brewing in her like the coffee she had set up that morning.

Jackson willed all of the off-chance lightning there was to crackle down on him from the mild-weathered sky for making her feel that way. "April. Please," he whispered desperately. "Just... Say something?"

"Uhm... 'til what page?" she finally asked.

"Matthew's letter," he answered dutifully and a look of worry grew on her face. "And yes, I should've closed it the minute I realized it wasn't the old one."

"I can't believe you read it," she sighed, still trying to undo the knot in her brain. Her cheeks began to fluster and she held her warm face in her hands.

"I know. I'm sorry. I -"

" _Oh my God…_ " she said, heavily wiping her hands down her face. "So you know..."

They spoke at the exact same time and barely heard each other over their own voice.

"... About the awful sex," she finished, almost chuckling with embarrassment.

"... About you leaving?" he asked sadly, their voices meshing together.

"Wait…" they said together. " _What_?"

"No no, go back," said Jackson, his eyebrows ruffled together.

"No, you go back!"

"Awful… sex?" asked Jackson, trying to piece back together what she had said.

April paused, realizing what she just did, her ears turning hot. " _Sssshit_!" she swore. "...That's not what you meant?"

" _No_. I meant…" he said, distracted. "Wait... You and Matthew have been having shitty sex?"

"Well you read my freakin' journal, Jackson!" she said, angrily pointing a straight hand at nothing in particular. "Thought _you_ would know."

"I seriously didn't catch that," he said, his brows still glued together.

"You're an idiot. I thought you were smart."

"I _am_ smart."

"God, I wanna die," she whined, cupping her face again.

"Don't say that," he scolded with wide eyes and raised eyebrows, clearly triggered.

" _It was a joke_ , Jackson," she said, drawing out the words and slowly turning her face to him. "Because obviously I'm mortified that I just told you that without having to."

Jackson blinked a couple of times to let things soak. "So you're not leaving…"

"Why the hell would I leave?"

"I don't know? To get over your thing with Matthew?"

"Jackson, I -"

"Because last time," he said, cutting in and making her stammer silently before she gave it up and made him finish. "I didn't recognize the army as something you really really needed. And I get it now. Back then, when you left me alone… I thought you just didn't care about me anymore."

"It probably really seemed like I didn't care," said April, her impatience replaced with a serious expression. "And I don't blame you for feeling that way. I was a pretty shitty wife to you."

"You were hurting. And I was bottling up my feelings expecting you to pick up on things while you were in that haze."

"Oh, so now you're defending me from back then?"

"I don't know. You're sorta doing the same thing with me…"

April took a moment to get used to the fact that they finally got each other's point of view after years of being at war over this one thing. That they were managing a healthy conversation about it without either of them blowing up or walking out was all new to her.

"I don't wanna leave you, Jackson. Not again. Not ever. I don't need the army to feel whole again this time around. And besides, this is different from before."

"But if it's something you really want... I mean… Chief Medic," he said, blowing out a breath. "That's big. And if you want it… I wanna give that to you, April."

It amazed her. How well he's been able to rise above his issues with abandonment made her want to stay all the more. "That is not what I want right now," she said, taking his hand.

And out of the blue, he asked her what he didn't think he'd ever have the guts to. "You still love him?"

"I mean…" she said, a little tripped by the sudden topic. "Yeah… I still love him. Or at least I still have a lot of love _for_ him. He said it best," explained April.

He'd be lying if he said he wasn't hoping for a ' _Hell no, baby. I love YOU_.' but her words made sense. They sounded like the truth and held up consistently with the way Matthew was writing to her.

"Are we going too fast for you? Is what we're doing too much?" he asked.

"No. Of course not," she said, rubbing his hand with her thumb.

"Okay…" he said trustingly.

April got up and wordlessly walked across the room to retrieve her handbag. Within seconds, she was back with her little red journal.

Jackson watched her as she came back to him. Her eyes widened a little in silent reprimand before handing him the book. It was opened at the last page dated the other night.

 **I turned them down. I don't think I've politely declined anything that cool in my life. I feel so important. As thrilling as it sounds, I'm needed here. Hattie needs me. The shelter needs me. Jackson will probably overbook the nanny if I leave. And I'm not putting him through that again. Even if I know that it's not the same. I just can't. I won't.**

 **Am I fool for starting to think we might have a shot at it again? I know I'm always gonna be at least a little bit in love with him. I'm just not sure if it's a good idea or if it might lead to more hurt.**

 **Anyway, I recommended a trauma pal I met in Jordan for the job. I just know she'll kill it over there. So to speak…**

 **Think I might go hiking tomorrow.**

"You -"

"Matthew's not the one who's been driving me crazy this past month."

"I'm an idiot."

"That's what I said," she said smugly.

Jackson smirked and closed her journal, waving it in the air. "Could've led with this."

"I was going to, before you cut me off," she pointed out as she lightly kicked his leg and scooted closer to him on the couch. "And I'm glad you did. Because I appreciate everything you said. You don't even know."

"I really meant it."

"I'm over him. I really mean _that_. Hurt like hell, but I got up."

"That sounds like you."

"I had help."

"Really? From who?"

A tilted smile grew on her face. "You."

Just when he thought they could stay there looking at each other forever, she stood up again.

"Hey, where you going?" he asked.

"Gonna use your shower," she said mischievously.

"Ohh," he said smoothly, pulling her back to him. "I could use my shower, too."

April bit her lower lip and straddled him on the couch. "You been filthy?" she asked not so innocently, as she tugged at his shirt collar. "Huh? Been a dirty boy going through my diary?"

"Yes," he whispered and his breath hitched when she aligned their hips. "I've been… such a dirty boy."

"Well then," she said, getting onto her feet again. "You can shower after I'm done."

"But, but…" he fumbled as her hand gently slipped away from his grasp. "Wouldn't we be _saving_ water if we go in together?"

"We both know that's not true," she called out from the hallway.

"You're punishing me aren't you?"

"That'd teach you to go through people's diary!"

* * *

"I need to catch my breath," said April, panting heavily. Jackson rolled over to her side as they were coming down from their high. The morning after proved to be much better than the one before now that they were both naked under his sheets and gasping for air.

"Yeah me, too. That was… fuck. You're amazing," said Jackson, laying a kiss on her head. "Think she's awake?"

"I don't hear her crying," said April, cuddling up to him and breathing him in.

"In that case," he said, flipping to lay her on her back so he could kiss her passionately, full on the mouth and into the fluffy pillow. "Good morning."

"Mmm," she hummed, her eyes lusty and hooded. " _That's_ how I want my good mornings."

"You... are _awesome_ at makeup sex," he said, kissing her cheek and making his way to her neck.

"I really try…" she said, gasping when it felt particularly good. "...To channel all that pissed off energy, ya know?"

"I know. You were so pissed," he said, sucking on her collarbone. "Though I kinda liked it when you slapped my ass."

She laughed and massaged his shoulder. "Got a full day today?"

"Not really," said Jackson, and he felt something vibrate under the covers.

"That's mine," said April and it took her a while until she found her phone all the way at the foot of the bed. It was a wild morning. As she picked it up, the sheets fell away from her body and Jackson couldn't help but lean over and take a gentle bite at her bare ass. "Shh! Behave," she said and she finally set her eyes on who was calling.

"Work?" he asked, restraining himself.

"No," she said, her features both surprised and curious. "Bailey."


	18. Could She Be Back

_12 hours earlier…_

"It's open," called out Alex from his office desk. A heavy knock on the door had just capped off his afternoon of signing paperwork and reading through reports.

" _'This better be important'_ was always _my_ catchphrase," said Bailey as she slowly sauntered in, and Alex finally lifted his head to greet her.

A rugged smirk clicked on his face. "For Webber, it was just –"

" _'Come in'_ ," they said together, both of them trying to imitate Richard's gruff voice with their eyebrows pinched grumpily together just like his.

Alex cackled out a sound of amusement before nodding to the file Bailey was holding in her hand. "I'm guessing that's our guest speaker. What's it this year? Robot brains?"

"Isn't it funny how many attendings like to break rules in this hospital?" asked Bailey, hugging the file.

"I'm only laughing if there's no lawsuit involved," Alex grumbled, before signing one last form and setting his paperwork aside. "Where are the other files?"

Bailey slapped the folder she was holding onto his table and turned around to grab by the door what looked like a small trash bin. Lifting her brows, she gingerly held it up to reveal its overflowing contents. "In here," she said plainly, holding the container full of freshly printed files with small pictures of surgeons from around Seattle on the top right corner of each.

Confusion struck Alex's face. "You… _threw them_ … I thought this was my call."

Bailey shrugged innocently. "I didn't _throw them_. The people who printed them _threw_ _them_. Right in this here trash bin," she said, looking curiously inside with a childlike fascination.

"Uhm... Why?"

Bailey put the bin down and grabbed some hand sanitizer from her coat pocket. "Because some Dr. Loophole pinned… _that_ to my locker," she said, eyeing the file she had left on his desk. "On display for everyone to see." Alex opened the file and tried to fight the tiniest grin as Bailey went on. She generously rubbed the gel between her hands as she continued to speak slowly and deliberately. "I asked the nurses assigned to the floor and they told me they saw a pile up of attendings take a good hard look at it and decidedly scrap their own submission. Just chucked them. With a smile. In this bin."

"Seems like they were all in agreement then," said Alex, skimming through the pages. "Made my job hella easier."

"Or at least whoever was up to this did," Bailey corrected.

"Jackson," Alex muttered under his breath, shaking his head cheekily as he went through April's file. Apparently, there was a reason why his friend was asking about recommending non-surgeons. Alex just didn't think he'd push through with it given the rules that Bailey put out.

"What was that?" Bailey asked him sternly.

"N-Nothing," dodged Alex as he closed the file and tried to get a read on her. "You… don't seem to be fighting this."

"You don't seem to have been here when Kepner brought in those rock climbers."

"I was."

Bailey grabbed the file and wiggled it in the air. "Field medicine, Karev. Emergency treatment in dire circumstances. Amazing case studies. The car she toed in from the tunnel collapse? None of the junior residents got to see that. Not to mention the stunt she pulled off yesterday," she said with some excitement seeping through her voice. "I may have overlooked it before, but now… I see it. Our surgeons certainly seem to see it, too."

"Look, I'm on board with Kepner. But she's not an attending. I thought that was a thing for you."

"Honestly, Karev? I'd give her the lecture series regardless. But I don't see why it can't work both ways." she said vaguely.

"What do you mean?"

"Teddy will be on maternity leave soon and Owen Hunt on paternity leave at the exact same time. The Trauma unit will be in shambles if we don't do something and we can't have a stunted Trauma unit. We're a level one –"

"Kepner's not just replacement material," Alex argued. "She shoulda been head of that department years ago."

"Let's fix that then."

"She has a job. Like a legit, funded-ass job that she practically put up herself. And I think she's… happy with it," Alex remarked, a small trace of warmth gracing his face.

"Alright," sighed Bailey, softening up. "But if you think it's at least worth a shot, will you ask her anyway?"

"I will," Alex promised, shortly before pointing at Bailey for assurance. "But she still gets her TED Talk."

"Fine by me," agreed Bailey, her normal level of spunk returning. "But if she passes off the job like you say she will, you better find us a new Head of Trauma. And fast."

"That sounds… reasonable."

* * *

"That sounds… educational?"

April was on the phone with Bailey as she struggled to keep herself decent with the bedsheet. Jackson was the last person who she'd be self-conscious with, but the idea of speaking with Miranda Bailey on the phone naked wasn't going to fly with her.

"Yes, of course I'm interested," she went on, grasping the sheets tight over her chest. Jackson did his best to listen in, but what Bailey was saying to her from the other end of the line was all muffled up into April's ear. The more they spoke though, the clearer it became. "No really, it's an honor to be chosen, let alone be considered for it… but… but isn't this lecture usually held by attendings?"

Jackson was stunned. It worked. It freaking worked, he thought, and he couldn't imagine how. He had to find a way to calm himself down lest she start to draw suspicions. While April was on the phone, a long pause told him that Bailey had her reasons for breaking her own rules and he was genuinely curious as to what they were. However, seeing as April was a little too preoccupied to be bothered, he took the opportunity to bend forward and patiently place a tender kiss on her exposed knee while she sat at the foot of his bed. Taken by the sweet gesture, she silently ran a hand over his head to keep him there as she listened to Bailey. The movement of her hand stopped for a second when she laughed coyly, as though she'd been given some compliment. "Dr. Bailey… Thank you, but my point is… I'm not a surgeon anymore! I –"

Jackson looked up at her through his lashes and saw that as she tried to clear things up, her attempts at disqualifying herself started to waver. "You… but… Hmkay. Yes. Yes Ma'am. Understood…" she said, pinching her lips and nodding affirmatively. Jackson wore an amused expression as she momentarily warped right back into the floundering resident they all once were under Bailey's authoritative wrath. "Alrighty then," she wrapped up, a hand fluffing up the crown of her soft hair. "…I miss you, too."

April clicked the phone off and blew some air through her lips.

"Well?" asked Jackson.

"Well… That was random," she said, finally relaxing her shoulders. "Did you know about the lecture series?"

"Yeah, we started doing it a few years back. It's like a special masterclass for the residents that Grey Slo –"

"No, I mean," she laughed. "I know how the lecture series works, Jackson. I helped organize a few."

"Of course you did," said Jackson, rolling his eyes at himself for not knowing any better.

April worried her bottom lip pensively. "Did you know they'd pick me?" she asked.

"I had no idea," he said truthfully, still in awe that his last ditch effort to get her the recognition he thought she deserved pulled through somehow. "But they couldn't have made a better choice."

After Jackson spoke with Owen the day before, he had retreated to his office to hastily wield his computer and type out a file about April – her experience as a trauma surgeon, her time serving in the war, her above-average clearance rate in the pit, all her notable cases, and the work she's been doing for the homeless communities of Seattle. He wasn't quite sure what he was aiming to accomplish by pinning her file open on Bailey's locker, but rules be damned, he was going to have her considered by everyone. Anonymously.

"I'm sure they could've."

"Did you say yes?" he asked, kissing her softly to hush away her self-dismissal.

"Does it look like I said no?" she giggled. April had always wondered what it would be like to be chosen as a lecturer herself back when she was just helping out with the project. When she was working in Grey Sloan, people tended to source her out for her keen expertise with paperwork and drafting rules rather than have her participate. The innovation contest was one of many instances. As a former attending, she had taught her fair share of advanced skills labs but those were routine. Big presentations like this one were often reserved for handsomely funded research and superstar surgeons with big names and high expectations. "I'm a little nervous though. Masterclass… I don't… I don't know if…"

"You'll be amazing, April. I just know it," he said, tucking away a stray lock of hair from her face. "And we'll be so damn lucky to have you."

"You really think so?"

"I really do," he said, kissing her again. "You're worth breaking the rules for."

"Okay," she conceded weakly, still in her head. She swooped the covers away and lowered to the floor in search of her underwear, essentially disappearing from view in an instant.

"Okay?" asked Jackson, peeping over the bed to see where she had gone.

"I mean there's no use in going back on my word to Bailey. I really do miss her. And all of you guys over there," she called out, her voice a little muffled until she resurfaced into view in her underwear while expertly fastening on her bra. "Can't say they feel the same way about me, I'm sure they're glad I'm gone."

"What? How can you say that?" he asked, taking in the light scars on her body that he had been kissing moments ago.

"I know it's been so long… and I should have grown out of it by now," she said, putting on a white cottony shirt. "... but sometimes… I still feel like The Dud. Dorky, grating, high strung Kepner who everyone finds annoying…" Jackson opened his mouth to contest her but she went on. "Plus! They probably already think I'm certifiably deranged from when I completely lost it at Trauma Cert."

"Hey, I was there when you started to lose it at _our_ first Trauma Cert, and I still married you."

"Maybe _you're_ the one who's deranged," she accused, lifting an eyebrow. "Besides, you didn't even stick around to see me _actually_ threaten to run Hunt down with an ambulance."

"Touchè. I stand by it though. You are not the Dud," he insisted and she snorted out an unconvinced sound through her nose. "I'm not messing with you!"

"You're really sweet when you wanna be," she purred. "And you're making it really hard for me to stay mad at you."

"You're still mad at me for yesterday?" he purred back.

"Mmm maybe just a little bit," she teased suggestively. If he didn't know any better, he would have easily gone for round two, but he knew that she was trying to change the topic.

Now was not the time for sex. Now was the time to be her friend.

"April. Listen, Sweetheart," he said, with the voice that made her ignore the world. At the mention of her favoite petname, she sat in front of him. "Do you know how many people refused to leave your hospital room while we were all waiting… _praying_ for you to wake up? Grampa Hunt gave himself a back ache sitting on that damn couch beside your bed."

Her expression now completely affected, she was mush. "Owen."

"And do you know what Stephanie told me?"

"I don't know," she said, rolling her eyes comically and making a pouty whimpering voice. " _'Harder, Dr. Avery!'?_ "

"N-no," he frowned. "She said she got quickest paced and most comprehensive trauma course from you when you taught her how to run the pit. Duckie. You're good."

"This is supposed to be a pep talk?"

"April… baby. You're good. You're pretty great actually."

"It's just…" she said, shifting away. "When I look at you guys... Out of all the people in our batch... I don't feel like I compare."

"What do you mean?"

"Grey is an award winning surgeon. She won an actual award –"

"Named after a skanky old geezer," he pointed out.

"She had it re-engraved –"

"– Yyyyeah," he laughed. "But the media outlets get it wrong all the time and it's fuckin' hilarious."

" _You_ … have amazing research going on. You're board chair of a hospital you renamed in the loving fucking memory of Mark and Lexie," she praised.

"All because mama bought her baby a hospital –"

"No. _No_. Don't start with me on that," she said fiercely, poking his bare chest. "What you had to learn in such a short amount of time, what you had to build for yourself along the way… that's all you. Your double certification… All you, Jackson so don't you even start."

Jackson rubbed the spot in feigned hurt, mouthing ' _Ow_ ' like she physically injured him. But she didn't relent.

"And of course Cristina is like, what, the cardiolord of heart surgery somewhere over in Switzerland? Printing ventricles up in the Alps and probably skiing on the weekends. Gosh and Alex… Back then, I thought he was just an abrasive little… _foot_ who sleezed around but now I know he's the type of guy who flies in sick kids from Africa and, and turns down Hopkins just to stay with us, and now he's chief and I am so proud of that furry gremlin it's not even funny."

"Please don't do that," he said, shaking his head.

"I'm not saying these things just to bring myself down on purpose. I mean them. This isn't false modesty or anything."

"Yeah, and it's worse because you seriously don't believe that you're good enough for it. Which totally isn't true –"

"Jackson," she sighed and she took a breath to set them straight. " I had to come to peace with a lot of things. To accept that certain things weren't meant for me and be okay with it. There were times when everything felt _wrong_. Because I put so much pressure on myself and I kept _failing_. I failed my boards. Failed my family, my mentors, my peers. So many times, I felt like just this... _failure_ – as a Christian, as a surgeon," she ranted, until her eyes were dead set on his and her voice shook a little. "... as a wife, a mother, a woman."

"That wasn't… that wasn't your fault."

"When all I've been harboring blew up, all I felt was…"

"Anger," he empathized.

"Yeah," she said calmly. "Very angry and in pain. It wasn't healthy. But I know better now. And I'm trying, you know, to give myself a break and stop worrying about things I can't control. So now that I'm happy with what I'm doing, and something comes along, suddenly praising me for what I did in a life I chose to walk away from –"

"You take it," he suggested. "Because maybe it's some sign trying to remind you of how great you are."

"I can't help but think that there's been some mistake. And, what if I blow it? I don't know if I can take another jab from a place where I felt so… small."

"I look up to you. A-a lot," he said, seemingly out of nowhere.

"What?"

"Like… not physically. 'Cause like… You're tiny."

"Rude," she remarked.

"But, emotionally… I know you're ahead. You… You kept outgrowing me," he said, and she saw him go through at least twenty different feelings when he said it. Unmistakably, somewhere in there was sadness. But with greater force was pride, joy, and admiration. "You zoomed right past me and found a sense of self that I'm still learning to find for myself. You're the fastest learner I've ever known, and I'm amazed at how many times you've picked yourself up." He took her hand and squeezed it tightly. "But you know what really makes me crazy about you? Is that every great thing you do – you do because it's right. Not because there's some award or recognition waiting. And that's what residents need to learn. So whether you do the lecture series or not, is fully up to you and whether _you_ think it's worthwhile. I will support you either way."

She was sure this was it for her. She was going to die and leave this earth having been diagnosed with an exploded chest bursting with emotion. Not wanting to waste any time, she drew her herself as close to him as she could and hugged him with everything she was. Her face was buried in his neck and they silently held each other in the purest embrace.

"I'm prepping for a masterclass," she said into his skin.

"You're prepping for a masterclass."

* * *

Jackson and April found a good rhythm over the past few weeks. Her house with Matthew was sitting on its own, having been put up for sale for a while now. Sometimes they would all sleep at Jackson's place, sometimes in April's trailer. Still, they took normal shifts with Harriet just to lay some boundaries and take things slow, but they both enjoyed the pace they've been taking. And still, no one apart from Jo and Alex knew about them. They were genuinely surprised that they could keep their mouths shut for this long.

Jackson's day was light as a feather. Being in charge of mostly elective surgeries had its benefits with how flexible his schedule could be. If the pit wasn't hauling in a mass of burn victims, he mostly had his own time in his hands, which he would often put into developing his research.

He was strolling his way to his lab while browsing over some data on his iPad when he walked straight into a small but forceful body that also seemed to have walked straight into him. With a mutual ' _oof_ ' and a ' _sorry about that_ ', the next thing he could take hold of was that a pile of books had hit the floor and the face of a redhead he loved so much was looking right at him.

Surprised herself, she stared at him for a second. "Hey, you."

At a loss for words like it was some dorky hallway meet cute, all he could do was catch a sound in his throat. He didn't know that he could be getting the butterflies just by running into her at work. She finally looked to the floor and crouched down to retrieve the books and a few flyaway papers.

He quickly stooped down to help her out, his eyes darting back and forth from the stuff they were picking up and her face. "Hey there, stalker," he poked and they both let out a light-hearted laugh. "Seriously, though. Whatcha doin' here?"

"Well," she started, lining up the bundle of things in her hands. "I'm returning these to the library. I just took some notes for the class."

" _Master_ -class," he corrected.

"Shush."

"You're sneaky," he said. "You hiding from me?"

"No," she defended all too quickly and lowered her voice. "We're not supposed to be seen here together. So I just… didn't call you."

"Well good luck with that now."

"Nu-uh," she countered playfully. "You... are a good, normal citizen who's helping me out after you practically bumped me over."

" _You_ bumped _me_!" he said as they stood to their full height. "You're like a tiny little bulldozer."

"Ugh. Again with the tiny jokes, jeez," she complained. "Where were you headed anyway?"

"To the lab," he said trivially.

"I see," she stalled.

"Do you… I don't know. Wanna check it out?" Again, he was perplexed where all this shyness with her was coming from.

" _Huh_. I just realized that I've never seen your work," she considered. "Tell you what. Lemme just shelve these off before the hospital thinks I stole them."

"Do you need help with those? They look a bit heavy."

"Nah I got it, thanks," she said, looking to either side of the hallway. "And I think it'll be better if I went alone."

He cleared his throat to put up a front. "Very well, Dr. Kepner. Stop by anytime you like. I'd love to show you my… research."

"Thank you, Dr. Avery," she nodded, pretending to sound cordial. "I will meet you there."

"That's horrible," he criticized.

"You're the one keeping me here!"

"No," he sang, not breaking eye contact. "You can go if want."

"I will," she said, scrounging for dignity.

"Okay –"

"Fine," she concluded, reflexively moving in and tipping her chin up to receive a routine kiss that he was about to give before she gently pushed a hand flat on his chest to stop him.

"We can't… here," he muttered, correcting himself as well.

"Yeah, sorry," she whispered. "I got used to…"

"Same."

"I'll… see you later," she said softly. And with that, she finally turned on her heel and made her way along the hall, not forgetting to look over her shoulder with a small smile just for him. The pesky butterflies found their way back to his stomach and he knew. He was a goner.

It didn't take long for him to hear a knock on the door. "You came," he said, as he opened it for her.

"Of course I'd wanna come," she replied, not missing the way he bit his lower lip by hearing that. "That's…" she laughed. "Not like that."

"Why not?"

"So," she said, diverting to his equipment. "I guess this is your cave."

Basing from her response, he figured she wasn't in the mood for sex and was genuinely curious about his research.

"Yup. Right this way," he said, framing himself to give her a proper tour. "I have some trials set up as of the moment. I'll be making some measurements once they start to reconstitute."

He guided her shoulders to line her up with the microscope so she could get a good view of the loaded specimen. April looked through the eyepiece and started twisting knobs to reposition the plate, refocusing as she went. After locking in on an area she was interested in, she leaned one arm on the table and folded a leg so that her ankles were crossed casually.

Feeling the need to be near her, he hovered as close as he could, but stopped when the side of his hips grazed her backside. The last thing he wanted to do was push a boner against her when she wasn't up for it. Instead, he mirrored her stance and stood behind her, leaning an arm on the table as well and overlapping a warm hand over hers.

"What responses are you measuring?" she asked, her eyes still glued to the viewing tool.

"Tensile stress, biocompatibility," he answered, rubbing innocent circles on her hand. His words came out slower, his voice soft and gravelly. "The aerosol has to promote simultaneous reconstruction and healing," he said, his eyes zoning in on the part of her neck that was left exposed from when she had pushed her hair to one side before taking a peep. He was sure she could feel his breath there as he spoke. "The skin has to be smooth… supple."

With that, he saw the hand she was using to hold the microscope clench it tighter. It suddenly dawned on him that she wasn't disinterested. She had been resisting.

Getting fueled up, he slowly ran the hand that wasn't leaning on the table along her hip and across her belly.

"What… parameters…" she trailed, melting into him as her hand reached the back of his head and scratched it lightly with her fingernails.

"Reagent percentiles," he whispered in her ear, breathing in her fragrant scent. "Blood flow is important." As he said that, he was sure she felt something of his twitch behind her. He ran his nose along her neck and looked up to find that it was now her forehead touching the eyepiece. Her breathing started to change. "And naturally, the skin should be able to stretch…" he growled softly, pulling the collar of her button-up top to the side and sucking on the skin of her shoulder with a pop. "... and bounce back with ease."

"Jackson," she breathed, her mind foggy. "We can't. Not here."

"And why is that?"

"We've never done it here," she said, noting that he had cleared his old chairman's office to have it combined with his lab in one room.

"All the more reason," said Jackson, dusting her neck with light kisses before running his tongue along it, torturously slow.

"You're bad," she meant to say but practically moaned.

"You know you kill me when you say that, right?" he said, moving his arm up to palm her left breast.

With not much resolve to begin with, all she could whine out was, "Lock the door."

"Already did."

"Presumptuous much?" she chuckled.

"Nah. Just prepared," he said, squeezing her in all the right places.

"I like foresight," she praised, as she bent a leg backward and rubbed it along the outside of his calf. "Foresight is sexy."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," she moaned, and bumped her ass against his growing erection.

"Shit," he hissed. "Okay, see, now this time... _you_ bumped _me_."

"Shut up," April giggled, and she turned around to open her mouth and kiss him full on the mouth. Taking initiative, she walked them over to the big comfortable chair behind his office desk and forcefully sat him down.

"God, you're sexy," he breathed, as she fluidly stripped off her dark dress pants and threw them behind her on his desk. A noticeable tent was already forming under his dark blue scrubs, but seeing what she was wearing underneath her daywear made it twitch with excitement. "April, you're wearing a thong."

"I'm aware," she said simply and moved in to pull his pants down just enough to unleash his hard-on. "God, I wanna fuck you," she cursed.

"Christ," he breathed, his core contracting as she put her mouth on him.

"Would you like that?" she said, releasing him and making heady eye contact.

"Yes," he moaned, his hips rocking slightly as she pumped him and sucked on his tip. He knew that she loved it when he was rough with her, but seeing her take control turned him on so much. "God, yes. Baby. Fuck me."

Without a word, she stood up to straddle him on his office chair, not even bothering to take off his lab coat or his scrub top. After seeing his research, she loved the idea of having sex with him still dressed in his doctor clothes.

He seemed to be on the same wavelength, quickly buttoning down the salmon colored blouse he saw her wear to the intern mixer on the day she got shot at the hospital. He opened it just enough to reveal a lacy bra and the middle of her chest.

"Do you want me to get a…"

"I'm still on the pill," she said. "And I wanna feel _you_."

"Okay. Slip me inside you, baby," he pleaded and with that, she pushed her impossibly thin thong to one side and lowered herself onto him.

"Goddamn," she breathed, letting him fill her all the way before she started to move slowly.

"You feel really good," he whispered, squeezing two handfuls of her ass while she continued to work him.

"It hooks from the front," she pointed out, which he knew was another way of her telling him to suck on her boobs. With no plans of denying her, he unclasped it and pulled one of her nipples into his mouth. "Mhhmgh. God, you're big."

He was aware that hearing her in complete ecstasy was enough to get him off, but feeling her clench her insides around him was threatening to get him there first.

"Jackson…" she said against his neck as she kissed it.

"Yeah baby?" he asked, his eyes still closed in pleasure.

"We're having sex in your lab."

"Yeah, I know. Fuck," he groaned, pulling her closer as he was reaching the point of of losing it. "And I'm really clo… I'm gonna..."

"So am I," she panted desperately, keeping him deep inside her and moving sensually. "Shit… Jackson. Please. Give it to me."

Hearing her ask for it, he lifted her slightly so he could quickly thrust into her from below. The sound of his hips hitting her ass started getting loud as she froze and felt her orgasm wash over her at the same time his did.

He shot himself insider her, coming even harder as he felt her legs shake and her warm inner walls quiver. Her lips quickly smashed into his to drown out her own moans and they came down together, panting with their noses squished to the side against each other's faces.

"Holy fuck," she swore, trying to even out her breathing. She looked down at their bodies and lifted herself to pull him out of her. "You need another pair of pants. It's… it's all over your –"

"Shhhh," he said, rolling them closer to the desk and lifting her up so she could sit right next to his keyboard. He knelt down on the ground without bothering to tuck himself back in, spreading her legs to eat himself out of her and give her the kind of quality head that set her standards for sex impossibly high.

With his tongue on her clit and two fingers moving wildly inside of her, he knew that the end was near. She came in no time, leaning back and mindlessly pushing several buttons on his keypad. While she rode it out, he stood up and made no hurry to kiss her until she couldn't remember where she was.

"You're so beautiful," he said, kissing her once more and finally taking the time to look at the mess they had left on both his pants and her nether regions. "I'll be back with a washcloth."

"We're lucky you have a sink in here," she said, sanitizing with the hand gel on his desk and hooking her bra back on. She turned around to see the monitor she'd haphazardly nudged to life. On it was a password prompt and a picture of Jackson with their laughing daughter wrapped up in his embrace.

He returned soon wearing a fresh pair of scrub pants and a damp soapy washcloth in hand. As she eyed it thankfully, he teased it away from her, shaking his head and mumbling a quiet little 'M-m'. She knew what that meant. Kneeling on one knee, he gently cleaned her off and she tilted her head to one side as she rested a hand on his shoulder.

Seeing him bent on one knee in front of her did things to her – whether it was to clean themselves up after getting wild with each other, or for more innocent things like picking up one of Harriet's toys from the floor. She was desperately eager for the life they should have been building before things fell apart.

Finally, they stood up. She slipped her pants back on and buttoned up, and he kissed her chastely on the lips.

Unmissed by him, she looked back at the photo on his screen seemingly deep in thought.

"You guys look really cute in this one," she said, faintly tracing a finger on the screen. She was beyond sad that she was missing from the photo, but she liked where they were. Things were good. They were spending a lot of time getting to know new versions of each other. She just hoped that her face didn't give away how painfully aware she was of what they were both missing out on.

"We can have that conversation," he said, observing her closely as though he could hear her thoughts. "Just so you know. I'm open to it."

"Thank you," she smiled. "That means a lot…" She looked around the room for a little bit. "I should probably get back to work."

"Okay," he nodded attentively, and a shy smile crept across his face. "I'll call you."

"I'd like that."

Jackson saw her off to his door. They opened it and found Alex poised and ready to knock.

"Of course…" said the peds surgeon. "Are you guys just shagging _all the time_? Is that why I keep catching you like this?"

"No," said April defensively.

"Yeah," said Jackson proudly at the same time.

"This is worse than when you two got married," said Alex.

"I'll… leave you guys to it," said April, inching her way away from the situation.

"Actually, Kep, it's you I was lookin' for," said Alex, and that certainly got her attention. "I've been a little swamped lately but when I heard you were in the building, thought I'd see if you were with Avery. And apparently you were."

"What's up?" she asked. "Plan on kicking me off the masterclass? I'll be honest, I was expecting as much. A phone call would've been fi –"

"Would you like to be Head of Trauma?" he asked point blank, not finding the need to beat around the bush. "You're the best candidate. I mean, I know you have your own thing going on and –"

"Why? Owen's still around. And Teddy is…" she trailed off and the face she made when everything clicked was lethal. "No."

" _No_ ," Alex repeated, asking her with his eyes if she was sure about it.

"Yeah. Absolutely not," she said with too much certainty for either of the men to be comfortable with her answer. She was practically bred for this job. "But thank you, Alex, for considering me. I hope you find a good match soon."

She gave Alex's arm a light pat before silently bidding them goodbye, leaving them to exchange looks of guilt and concern.


	19. I Want YOU

"Kepner's pissed," sighed Alex, as he skillfully shot a 9 ball into the corner pocket of Joe's pool table.

"Pissed is a strong word," said Jackson, chalking up the tip of his pool stick.

"How is she?" the peds surgeon asked curiously, a beer bottle in hand.

"I called her. Said she'll be up late to work on her lesson plan," said Jackson.

"Wait." Alex paused thoughtfully. "So she's _not_ dropping the class?"

"Nope. She's pretty serious about seeing it through," Jackson assured him, and took a sip from his drink. "It's just your job offer she declined."

"I had a feeling she'd turn it down," said Alex, eyebrows tilted up as he stared blankly at the textured surface of the green play table. "I just wanted her to have first dibs. You know? On the off chance that she'd wanna be chief. Apparently she doesn't."

"You had a feeling she'd turn it down?" Jackson asked, aiming for his shot.

"Yeah. 'Cause of her job," said Alex, scrunching his face at him like the answer was supposed to be obvious. "Didn't think she'd turn it down _that_ fast. Or that much. Did you see the way she murdered me with her eyes?"

"Was worth a shot though, right?" Jackson managed to chuckle.

"I feel like a shithead."

"Don't. It's not like she hates you. She just said no. Even thanked you for considering her."

"Sure..." Alex tried hard to accept it for what it was, but had trouble coming to terms with the idea that everything was just fine and dandy. "No, screw that. Avery. She _is_ the job. She's been manning it right from under Hunt's nose for years. And I saw it on her face. She wanted it."

"We don't know that. Maybe she just wants to focus on the class," Jackson pressed on. "Maybe she just… moved on."

"Look." Alex let out one more sigh to collect himself. "I'm glad she's pushing through with the class. The residents need a solid trauma course. It's a priority. They're too fussy. Too careful. Not enough bloodthirst for the game, not like back in the day."

"Right? We'd totally kill each other for a good trauma."

"Nah but Kepner… she…" smirked Alex, shaking his head before amending the thought. "I mean yeah, she'd probably still strangle me to get to a GSW first. But she cared a lot about the really boring ones, too. If that's not love for trauma, then I don't know what is."

Jackson felt equally resigned. "If we can't have her as chief… just… pick a good one, alright?"

"Easier said than done," Alex said in surrender, and returned his focus to their game. "At least it's just until Hunt or Teddy can take over." At that moment, they both turned their heads to see Meredith plop onto a chair by the table where they had set their food. "Ey, Mer."

"I need a drink," she said. "My residents are idiots."

"Did they drop a kidney during a domino transplant?" asked Jackson, recalling Meredith's colossal blunder back in her residency.

"Perform Api's on each other?" Alex asked.

"Cut a patient's LVAD wire?" Jackson asked again.

"Good point. No," Meredith said bleakly. "They screwed up my paperwork. They're very safe, very boring idiots."

"That's exactly what I've been saying!" Alex exclaimed, serving Meredith a gesture of praise.

"Hey, and we saw April at the hospital," said Meredith, motioning Amelia to come over with their drinks. "Looks like the Taylors finally made it for a visit."

All of the color emptied itself out of Jackson's face, and before he could make his shot, he stood himself straight again to face Meredith and Amelia.

As though on cue, Alex asked the question for him. "You saw Matthew?"

Jackson calmly took a swig of his drink, mostly to hide the fact that he was practically scowling. It was as if he'd just been told that a dead man was roaming the streets of Seattle. A second flew by as he foolishly entertained the possibility that the past few months had all just been a dream, and that he was being jogged awake into another world – one where April was still just living her newlywed life with Matthew.

Completely oblivious, Meredith shared a look with Amelia and wore a sleek, cat-like smile as she answered, "No… But she looked freshly laid, so…"

With absolutely no chance of being stopped, the beer that Jackson was sipping quickly exploded out of his mouth and into his nose against the top of his beer bottle. As it turned out, he knew exactly why she looked freshly laid – because he had everything to do with it.

Too busy choking on his beverage, Jackson barely noticed Maggie joining in with some food. "Who just got laid?" she asked, bestowing the group with a tray of fries. She offered a token look of concern toward Jackson, whose face was practically dripping with liquid froth.

"April," answered Meredith and Amelia in unison. The gang of sisters had successfully raided their table and were now sure to make a night of it.

"Man. Always wondered what devout Christian sex is like," said Amelia and everyone turned to look at her like she was blurting out thoughts that were meant to stay tucked away. Sensing this, she simply smiled and shrugged it off. "She's the new lecture master, right? I threw Link's file in the trash for that to happen."

"You, me, and a whole boatload of other people," said Maggie, munching on a fry. Alex reached for one and she pushed the tray closer to him.

"Jackson, your nose is full of beer," Meredith pointed out although it didn't seem to need it.

"Yeahp," he coughed, as he continued to clean himself with his handkerchief. "Sorry about that."

"Don't be," Amelia said breezily. "It's good to see sexy men in their ungodly form once and a while."

"April, she… she just came by to review some literature," said Jackson, sniffing quietly and tucking his hanky away in his back pocket.

"And bang her hot paramedic husband in public, apparently," Amelia smiled suggestively.

Staring aimlessly at nothing a short while, Jackson decided that he didn't want to be there. Anymore. At all. "I think I'm gonna clock out," he said, his eyebrows high as he gently slapped a hand on the play table before setting aside his pool stick. "Night you guys."

Meredith and Amelia looked confused but not by much. Maggie seemed to react only with what she knew – that he'd rather not stick around for stories about April's sex life with her husband.

Only Alex knew the cause of his inner turmoil, and offered a sturdy pat on Jackson's back. "You guys will figure it out," he said under his breath for only Jackson to hear.

Jackson returned the same gesture in silent thanks. He took his beer to finish it off, but frowned and decided against it. With a curt nod to Alex and the ladies, he grabbed his satchel and started walking toward the exit. He was sure they were going to talk about how weird he was being, but he didn't care. Soon enough, he was driving out of Joe's parking lot with a clear destination in mind.

A handful of minutes got him to where he wanted to be, his car finally slowing down by a guard post. Fastened to it was the gate to the compound where April's trailer was stationed.

"For Dr. Kepner," he told the guard.

"One moment," said the man dressed in a cap and uniform as he dialed a code on his control panel. Soon, they heard April's voice through the gridded speaker.

"Hello?" she asked in a prim voice.

"Good evening, Dr. Kepner. Jackson Avery is here."

"Jackson who?" she quipped, which made both men smile and roll their eyes. Jackson was a regular visitor of hers and April easily got bored with having to go through the same motions of granting him entry. "Bring him in, Danny. Thanks."

"Will do, doc," laughed the guard, as he buzzed the gate open with the push of a button.

April's trailer was in its usual spot, parked next to her car on a wooded lawn illuminated by a warm streetlight. Jackson pulled over and saw that only a faint desk light was left to glimmer across its windows. That told him that Harriet was presumably tucked in for the night while April was still working. He walked up to the silver living tube and found April already by the door.

After having to sit through his friends talk about her nonexistent sex life with another man, Jackson found it imperative to plant a good long kiss on his girlfriend's lips.

"Mm," she hummed, a little dazed from such a passionate greeting. "What's up?"

In hindsight, he finally made note that she wasn't wearing her contacts but a pair of dark-rimmed reading glasses. "What's up with the specs?"

"I ran out of contact solution. Been so busy lately, I forgot to restock," she replied, leading him inside.

"I like 'em. Very sexy," he said, following her to her study.

"Stop," she laughed. "What brings you here?"

"I just wanted to see you," he said easily, and shifted his view to the sleeping lump on her bed.

"She's out cold," she whispered and he turned to face her again. "There are still some things I need to wrap up. My first class is tomorrow so…" she said, stroking her hands across both his arms. "I'm not really sure if we have time…"

"It's cool," said Jackson. "That's not what I'm here for."

"No?" she smirked and he shot her one back before retrieving his composure.

"People at the hospital. They noticed," he said and saw the expression on her face start to fall and grow worried.

"What?" she said, dropping her arms to her sides. "They… They heard us?"

"Nah. Mer. She saw you… Looking _'freshly laid'_ …I believe is the term she used," he said, swiping his line of sight across the ceiling at the phrase.

She took a step back to start pacing in thought but stopped herself to look at him. "They don't know it's you."

"Got _that_ right. They think you were banging your _'hot paramedic husband'_ in a closet," he said sourly, making air quotes with his fingers and blinking his eyes to the ground.

April's eyes widened at the thought, but instead of saying something she turned away to stare at whatever was outside her window. Nothing remarkable seemed to be out there, but she and Jackson allowed the silence linger before she spoke again.

"So we start telling people," she said finally, facing him with an open expression – her eyes soft yet confident.

"That's not what you wanted before," said Jackson, his lips barely moving as his eyes found a home in hers.

"Yeah… But I can see it's making you uncomfortable," she reasoned.

"I'm not sure I'm ready for all the questions, either," he admitted with a wilted smile. "And we don't owe anyone the truth–"

"You're right. But we owe it to ourselves to do what we want..."

"Then we do what we want," he said, moving close to her.

"Okay," she said, tilting her head up, somehow satisfied with the vagueness of it all.

"Okay," he echoed. "... And you should, too."

She drew her eyebrows together. "You lost me there for a sec."

"Do you really not want the chief job?"

"Ugh. I knew you were gonna bring that up," she sighed before answering genuinely. "The answer is no. I _really_ don't want it. Not like this."

"Not like what?"

"I've only ever been offered chief to sub in for someone better," she said, seamlessly landing herself onto the rolling chair in front of her desk. "It happened with Mer, and it's happening again. Owen and Teddy will be off duty until their baby leave is up. Only this time, they wanna pull me out of my job to sub in."

"Alex doesn't want to pull you out of anything," said Jackson, pulling a stool out in front of him to sit down and meet her level.

"Then how am I supposed to work two jobs on top of a lecture series?" she posited, re-opening her laptop and adjusting her glasses onto the crook of her nose. The irony of her saying that she couldn't work multiple jobs while demonstrably multitasking in front of him was something he definitely noticed. "I know Alex meant well. So I treated his offer for what it was. A courtesy."

"He thinks you're pissed at him," Jackson mentioned.

"Well I'm not," she said, switching her view from her screen to him. She was sure to meet his gaze from over her glasses to ram her point straight through. "Sincerely."

"That's what I told him."

"Thank you."

A silent pause lodged itself between them but not for long. "So the timing was shit," he said.

"The timing was _dirt_ shit," she concurred, eyes now focused on finishing her work. She pushed the glasses that were clearly too big for her further up the bridge of her nose and he saw a tiny glimpse of what she might have been like in high school. "And I'm not just some form of relief that they can call on a whim, just to be set aside after they're done with me. I wanna earn it."

"Ouch."

"Sorry, I didn't mean... I wasn't talking about us."

"I know," he said, although his gut still burned with guilt. "And April… you _have_ earned it. You were always next in line."

"Next to Teddy, you mean," she corrected, as she clicked her mouse around to close up all her open software.

"Owen gave the job to Teddy for personal reasons," Jackson explained, trying to ignore how quickly she was able to get things done.

"Tell me that doesn't make it worse," said April before she closed her laptop and churned out an audible breath. "There was a time I could really see myself running a department. And if I remember correctly, the last time I did, everyone hated me for it. I'd like to think that I'm past that now. I'm sure Alex has time to find someone."

"Okay," Jackson said simply.

"Then why do I feel like there's more?" she asked, staring him down with slightly bigger eyes due to the curvature of her lens. Having her be so argumentative while looking cluelessly adorable wasn't helping with his chances of strong-arming his point.

"I don't know," he said, benignly placing a hand on her thigh. "Just seems like you've been turning down a lot of big things recently. Chief Medic, Head of Trauma, you almost turned down the lecture series…"

"You disappointed in me?" she asked with sheepish sarcasm.

"Never," he said right away before pulling himself closer. "I just want to make sure that it's what you really want… _regardless_ of what people might think. You do what makes you happy, baby."

"I appreciate that," she said. "This _is_ what I want. Thank you."

"C'mere," he whispered, and pulled her over his lap. He frowned a little when the frame of her glasses nudged itself against his cheekbone. "I can't kiss you right with this thing on," he said, removing her glasses and setting them on her desk.

"I can't see a thing," she giggled softly before cradling his face in her hands.

"Bright and early tomorrow," he muttered before kissing her softly. "You should get some rest."

"Still can't think of a good intro," she said, touching her forehead to his in defeat. "'Good morning everyone' is so… bleh."

"How 'bout… I'd like to thank… my _amazing_ boyfriend for–" April squeezed his nose between her fingers and wiggled it from side to side, causing his voice to sound silly. "...his support'"

"Will you be there?" she asked after releasing him.

"Wouldn't miss it," he said, but a disclaimer was in order. "...Unless I get a page."

"I know how it goes," she said kindly, and they gave themselves leeway for a short make-out session before Jackson prompted himself to leave.

"I'll see you in the morning," he said reluctantly, glancing over at Harriet's slumbering form. "I wish I could stay."

"Then why don't you?"

"I don't wanna make you late," he said with a wink, and two pretty dimples formed alongside the smile it had given her.

* * *

The lecture hall was chock-full of people. The venue built for conferences and other events of the sort had been reserved for this specific purpose. Dozens of delegates from other hospitals were in attendance along with a handful of Grey Sloan's attending surgeons. The interns that April met and partied with a year prior were now the residents she was teaching in this class.

All the usual suspects had rearranged their schedules accordingly in support of their visiting alum. The people from the bar last night were all seated together, apart from Alex, who was seated next to Bailey and Webber. Near the back were Owen and Teddy, stationed by the exit in case a trauma would have them paged to the ER. And much to Owen's dismay, Tom Koracick was seated right next to them.

Meanwhile, Jackson had just left his spot beside Jo and the ortho guys to walk up to April discretely before the presentation was scheduled to start.

"Hey," he said, fiddling with something small but sizeable in his hand.

"Dr. Avery," April addressed him, despite knowing that no one was within clear range of their quiet conversation.

The inside joke from yesterday caused a sly little smile to animate his face. "These are for you," he whispered, sliding over a fresh pair contacts with a small bottle of solution.

"Howww did you…" she muttered, shaking her head in awe. "You know I'd kiss you right now if it weren't for–"

"I know," he nodded, while she put them on. "Got your intro down? What'd you decide on?"

"You'll see," she said and soon, the emcee's voice gradually pushed itself into their brains in time for her to catch her cue.

"...please welcome – Dr. April Kepner."

With time to spare, April applied one last dose of her eye drops and blinked it in a couple of times as the crowd started to clap and watch the emcee step away from the stage. She kissed two of her fingertips and secretly landed them on Jackson's chest before fluidly making her way up to the podium.

"Good morning, all. First off, I'd like to thank… Dr. Bailey and Chief Karev," she said, stealing a split-second glance at Jackson – who let off a silent belly laugh as she resisted the urge to do the same. "...For inviting me to be this year's guest lecturer for your resident-level masterclass. So," she progressed, clapping her hands together excitedly and sounding pumped. "Are you guys ready to learn some Trauma Surgery?!"

If it wasn't just awkward silence that met her, it was definitely the sound of some cricket who managed to snag a seat in the audience. Jackson knew that he loved this woman to death but could not possibly phathom this being a top choice for an intro in any workable universe. Everyone was silent for only the shortest while – that was until a loud booming voice echoed around the room in response.

"Wooooooooo!" sang Catherine, and all the heads in the room turned to her. "Yeah, baby!"

It certainly seemed to get the energy going as smiles turned into laughter and soon, generous applause – but only the doctors from Jackson and April's batch would have truly remembered how April did something similar during Catherine's first visit to the hospital.

"Okay then," April smiled modestly. "Also, I don't mind you guys asking questions during the lesson. I prefer teaching conversationally. Just time them right." With a click of her remote, the large screen bearing the Grey Sloan logo faded to black. "Let's begin."

April adjusted the mic and poised herself to take ownership of the podium. Everyone's attention was centered on her, and she tried to shimmy the dreadful thought off her shoulder. More than anything, shifting her focus to the residents and their education was the only way to keep her sane and out of her head.

"Regardless of your chosen specialty, you'll find that a sound background in trauma is essential when dealing with high-pressure situations. Trauma Surgery is an exciting field that exercises speed of mind, resourcefulness, and a deep understanding of the telltale, split-second event patterns that lead to complications. This course is designed to integrate those skills into your chosen specialty if you already have one, and provide rudimentary foundations in trauma even if you don't."

Some head nodding and a good handful of interested faces. So far so good.

"The first chapter will consist of a case study, followed by step one – 'How to Listen to Your Paramedic (Like Really Listen)'," she declared, and seemingly out of nowhere, a suggestive whistle from some unknown source echoed through the hall. Some people chuckled, mistakenly aware of her supposed involvement with one particular paramedic. April laughed it off dryly, while steering a quick glance at Jackson, who was now seated next to Jo and nodding her on to continue.

"Leon Kelton, age 35," she carried on, using his encouragement to regain her rhythm. "Multiple penetrating injuries sustained from a 4-storey fall into a grid of rebar." At the sound of it and with a diagram to match, the faces in the crowd scrunched up with a collective grimace accompanied by a chorus of 'oooogh' – all in verbal pity over the patient's condition.

"This was back in 2013. Leon was kind enough to share his file with us today," she said, internally amused by their reaction until a hand stood up amongst the sea of attendees. She traced the standing arm back to a face she knew well. "Schmitt, you have a question."

"I… I think heard about this case," said the resident, still mild and polite as ever, yet no longer four-eyed like how she last saw him.

"Yeah?" asked April, her interest piqued.

"A nurse once told me that _'Craaazy things happen in this hospital. People falling into_ _metal rods and throwing flashmob proposals all in one day_ '," he said, his imitation of an elderly nurse somehow on point, much to the amusement of his peers. "I wondered if this is the same one."

April raised her eyebrows and felt the eyebrows of all her friends rise with them. "Y-yeah. yeah it is… I would know," she tried to say calmly, fighting her eyes from growing distant. People were now smiling with endearment, expecting her to be the smiliest one of the bunch. "But before we stray off too far, who here would know what the first course of action would be?"

A few answers were flung around relating to possible treatment plans, consults to be paged, and even paperwork needed – but April disqualified them all.

"All very worthwhile answers. But all of you are wrong," she said lightly. "Remember. While inspecting the patient, the first thing you must do when receiving a trauma is to simultaneously take in the paramedic's report. From there, you'll be surprised by how much information you can extrapolate from context."

"So, it was a trick question," said one of the residents after being given permission to speak. "None of our answers were completely valid because we didn't ask for the full report."

"Exactly," April supported, finally thankful that all the smiling and the whispers have started to die down.

Within the next fourty minutes, April was able to button up the lesson, relieved by the fact that she made it through the first one rather successfully with a very eager batch of residents.

"That'll be it for today. I've emailed you all some recommended readings if you're interested. It's not like I'm grading you guys or anything, so it's really just something for you to pick up in your free time. Which residents never really have anyway," she concluded and got a good laugh from everyone.

After the session had been dismissed, the crowd loosened up to take part in the spread of food and hot beverages laid out in the periphery of the hall. It was a short mixer that was prepared for the opening lecture, where the doctors in attendance could mingle and connect about the lesson.

Jackson was dying to approach April at the snack table, but saw that a few people from Seattle Pres had gotten to her first. He turned to see his mother's eyes on him, sparkling with stern interest as he shot her back a guarded look.

He spent a good five minutes just floating around the crowd, waiting to get her alone and tell her how great a job she did. His wait was worth it, it seemed, because it wasn't long until he received a text from her.

 **Technical room. Now.**

He smirked and pocketed his phone, scouring the place to find that April was indeed nowhere to be found. At least not to everyone else. With a dash to his stride, he snuck over to where she'd instructed him to go. As he reached the door, he made one quick check to see if anyone was looking. It seemed they were all caught up with the mixer. Soon, a hand pulled him inside the dark room full of wires and audiovisual equipment.

"What do you think you're up to? Hm?" he whispered to April, who took on the task of ridding him of his lab coat.

"I haven't thanked you for these," she said, pointing to the corner of her eye before holding the sides of his face.

Jackson drew himself closer, rubbing his nose against hers. "All these people are here for you..."

"They can wait," she said hurriedly.

"God, you're amazing," he breathed, grazing his lips to hers and caressing the sides of her torso. "And you did great out there. Really, April, it was–"

"Shhhh," she hushed and lightly pushed his neck down to kiss him, but their lips were just barely touching when her phone rang in her pocket. April had half a mind to ignore it to hell, but was never good at ignoring calls to begin with. She sighed and bowed her head in defeat, and Jackson kissed her forehead instead to let her know he'd happily wait. "Hello?" she answered.

"April, baby, where have you gone?" asked Catherine.

"Oh. Uhm… well I–" she pieced together, trying not to sound all breathy with Jackson's mouth on her neck.

"There are some people here looking for you. You need to get back here right this second."

April took a breath and looked to Jackson, who had no idea who was calling but could tell that she was being called back in regardless. "You're mine later," he said, cupping her jaw.

"Deal," she mouthed to him over the phone.

"I'll be right out – back! I'll be right back," she told Catherine and soon, the two carefully snuck back out of the room, unnoticed by all.

"There you are!" said Catherine, holding onto April's arm. "Right this way, dear."

"Wait. YOU called her?!" said Jackson, his face forming into pure retaliation. Catherine's face grew powerfully open and he realized that he might have just sold himself out by letting his mother know exactly who April was with when she received the call.

"You guys! I found it!" a resident said, his voice cutting through the buzz of everyone else, including their own.

"Found what?" someone asked.

"The flashmob proposal! It's on YouTube!"

"Hook it up to the projector!"

April's eyes grew as large as they could, and as if reaching her hand out could stop them, protested, "No no, I don't think you wanna–"

In no time the hall was filled with the bouncy sound of I'm Gonna Be by The Proclaimers. The screen lit up with the video taken more than five years ago, of April in her trauma gown being surrounded by a dancing mob of Matthew's friends and family members.

"Awww, Dr. Kepner! You didn't tell us it was you!"

"Yeah. Uhm. I may have forgotten… to mention that–" she said, with a palm on her forehead.

"That's her husband now," said Andrew DeLuca, his eyes smiling kindly.

"Aren't they adorable?" said someone else, as the video continued to play.

April couldn't tell who it was because her eyes were already closed for a long and stressful blink. "Yeah, no I… I'm not… he and I…" she stuttered, minutely shaking her head.

Suddenly, her stuttering stopped when a closer look at the video led her to spot Jackson in the background of all the dancing commotion. For the first time, she saw the look on his face as he stared at Matthew proposing to her in the ambulance bay. His chest was heaving with emotion, eyes wide and full of loss. Only when Matthew had lifted her from the ground and she searched for Jackson's face in the crowd did his expression change into a willful smile as he cheered her on.

It was likely that everyone else in the lecture hall were focused on the happy confetti-laden couple in the foreground of the film, but April's eyes not once left the image of that one plastic surgeon who had always owned her love.

Finally, the video was cut short with a freeze frame of Matthew smiling wildly at her and her doing much the same. April heard claps and awwws here and there, but all of it registered as a collective blur.

"You should invite him over to model for a paramedic," smiled Bailey, pulling her mind back to her immediate surroundings.

"Not too bad-looking either," said Tom Koracick, popping in and sipping his cup of coffee. With another look at the present-day Jackson, April found him only a few feet away – seething at Tom's general direction.

Jackson didn't think a more obtrusive form of bombardment was possible. Not only was he displeased by how everyone was unknowingly pushing a sour topic into April's face, but seeing two of the other men she had slept with other than him – Tom in one corner and Matthew, albeit virtually, in the other – was agitating his possessive tendencies. There couldn't be _anything_ that could have made this worse.

"Hi, Dr. Kepner," said Vikram Roy, slyly walking up to April's side. If Jackson had a table in front of him, he was sure to flip it. "I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed your class," he gushed, keeping steady eye contact that April chose not to return.

She thanked the resident politely and quickly excused herself from the situation. On the other hand, more people were already approaching her, and she started to feel the social pressure slowly closing in. Subconsciously, her feet brought her closer to Jackson – her only solace in this claustrophobic atmosphere.

He seemed to have other plans though. As she neared him with no clear goal in mind, he took her hand in his and pulled her close to plant a deep long kiss – in front of everyone in the hall who were now just staring with wide eyes. Several gasps came together. The sound of a teacup hitting the floor came next. If they weren't too caught up in it, they would have noticed that everyone's mouths had fallen open, their eyes still huge and their eyebrows creased.

"What are we doing?" April whispered, outwardly ignoring the crowdstate of complete and utter shock.

"Whatever the hell we want."


End file.
